Year - 1999Score - BOMB
Imagine going to your local beach on a hot, summer day. You plan to catch some rays. Maybe making some sand castles or bury friends in the sand. Or you're just a water person and prefer to swim in the ocean to feel cool from the heat. But just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water, you hear that familiar theme...
Da dum
Da dum
As you splash around, a fin appears at the surface to head in your direction.
Da dum
Da dum
The fin is gaining speed, as people see it and begin to scream and rush out of the water.
Da dum
Da dum
You turn around and...
Da dum
Da dum
...you realize that you're being chomped to bits by--
......
What? This review isn't for the classic 1975 Steven Spielberg classic JAWS?
......
Not even JAWS II? JAWS 3D?
......
JAWS THE REVENGE??
......
Are you serious? I'm actually gonna review...gulp...SHARK ATTACK?
......
With...gulp...Casper Van Dien?
......
Excuse me.
::walks away from computer screen::
NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
::walks back to computer screen::
Sorry, I wasn't feeling too great for a second. But now that I'm back, here's my review for SHARK ATTACK.
::grab bucket and pukes in it::
PLOT
SHARK ATTACK is about a marine biologist named Steven (Casper Van Dien) who travels to South Africa when he learns one of his good friends were murdered due to a shark attack. The dead friend's sister (Jennifer McShane) suspects foul play in her brother's death and Steven decides to help her get to the bottom of things [which means that he'll end up porking her as repayment]. Anyway, the mystery is difficult to solve as there are powerful people involved (one played by Ernie Hudson, who needs a new agent) who want to cover up what's really going on. Steven discovers that a genetic researcher named Miles (Bentley Mitchum) has been increasing the size of shark brain cells in order to extract some life-saving enzymes that could lead to a cure for cancer. But by doing this, the sharks have become more violent. And I become more bored and uncaring.
REVIEWI have three words for SHARK ATTACK:
WHAT THE FUCK!?
This has got to be one of the most boring and terrible films I have ever watched in my life. Not that I was expecting this piece of crap to be good. But with a title like SHARK ATTACK, I was expecting - I don't know - sharks killing people? Yeah only like 4 people, out of 25, got killed by sharks. If that's the case, WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT OF THIS FILM?? And when the sharks do attack people, it's not even scary or exciting to watch. Instead, we have the producers of this shit retrieving stock footage from those "Shark Week" episodes on The Discovery Channel as our shark villains for the film. They couldn't afford real sharks? Oh wait, they had mechanical sharks on the set. Too bad they looked pathetic. Pamela Anderson has more real parts than the sharks that were used. It's not even funny to watch either. It just makes you frustrated for wasting time that could be used for eating, playing video games, banging your boyfriend/girlfriend. Instead, you're watching a film that has really nothing to do about attacks caused by sharks, but by a marine biologist who wants to get to the bottom of things. The fact that I noticed that the "same" shark morphed within a sequence because of the use of stock footage for multiple sharks to make them appear as "one" is just ridiculous.
As for the story for SHARK ATTACK, I could probably write a better one asleep using my dick. It's not really a hard one to dissect really. You have someone get killed at the start of the film. His friend [our hero] finds out and goes to the scene of the crime to figure out what led to the death. He meets up with the friend's sister, who automatically becomes the sidekick [whom he'll eventually bang]. We meet the powerful, rich villain and the mad scientist who thinks he knows it all but is only a pawn for the powerful, rich villain. Our hero and his female sidekick/sperm bank realizes the cause of the problem. The villain finds out, captures them, and then ends up dying once the heroes escape and kill him. Of course, we need to have some locals involved to help the heroes. Then it's happily ever after, end credits, pop the disc out of your DVD player, find the person responsible for this film, and shove it up that person's ass. It's been done a million times, yet when executed properly, we totally buy it.
Not SHARK ATTACK!
Nothing is built up here. Our hero, Steven, is such a bland character that nobody will give a shit about him. He's supposedly friends with the dude who died at the beginning, yet they don't ever share a scene together. A flashback or two would be nice to establish relationships and make us invested in why Steven needs to do what he needs to do. And it doesn't help that none of the other characters in the film are remotely interesting. The friend's sister [I couldn't tell you her name at the moment, nor do I care to look for it] is a blonde chick who's actually smarter than Steven and fights more macho than him too. The villain is as one-dimensional as they come. The funny thing is that he's barely even in the film to make any kind of presence felt to the viewer. He shows up, disappears for a while, and then returns at the end when everything comes together. Talk about really bad screenwriting there! More bad screenwriting? What about the scientist who thinks he knows it all and is a prick because of it? Gee, how fucking original. He fuckin' tested his drugs on CHILDREN! Who tests things on CHILDREN? It's bad enough animals are being tortured. But on helpless little kids? What a fuckin' prick. And the Latino named Mani who speaks with an accent and is pretty much a clown - I wanted to slap him with my dick. Hell, he probably wasn't even worth it. I'll save that for the hot blonde sidekick. Still, these characters were horrible and I can't see why anyone would think this film would be a good idea.
The acting doesn't help the characters one bit. Casper Van Dien makes Hayden Christensen seem worthy of an Academy Award with his wooden performance. He's never been known for his great thespian skills, but he deserved better here. For whatever reason, he has trouble emoting and portraying an actual bad ass. Not his finest performance. He's pretty bad in this one.
The rest suck as well. Ernie Hudson is terrible as the villain of the film. Stupid African accent mixed with a lack of enthusiasm for the script equals Razzie nominee. The man did GHOSTBUSTERS! Hell, he was great in THE HAND THAT ROCKS THE CRADLE! And let's not forget THE CROW. But this? It's embarrassing. Boy, that check must have been fat because there's no other reason why anyone would want to be part of this film. Jennifer McShane was okay as the token blonde girlfriend. She was pretty hot and acted a bit better than Van Dien. But it's hard to play off of someone who has no idea how to fuckin' act. I think she would have done a much more believable job talking to trees. And Bentley Mitchum played the swarmy scientist dude okay-ish as well. Nobody stood out for anything great. They were all below mediocre.
The direction by Bob Misiorowski is also pretty lame. Like I mentioned before, no tension or build up to anything, bad editing, ridiculous special effects and/or occurences [cars that explode on impact - really?], and nothing visually stimulating or impressive. Just a blah film with a blah visual style. The fact that he couldn't direct stock footage properly in a serious film [believe me, this is no joke - only for the unsuspecting viewers hoping for some action and violence] shows that he shouldn't be making films period. Let's just wrap this up because thinking about this film is making me seasick.
THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE REALIZING GOING TO A FISH MARKET IS MORE INTERESTING THAN THIS FILM
1. If you're downloading something, watch your back. Guys will attack you from behind, cut off your arm, and feed you to the sharks. Nice to see the F.B.I. using new tactics to stop piracy.
2. Casper Van Dien plays a marine biologist. I guess STARSHIP TROOPERS makes you smart, huh? What's next? Denise Richards as some kind of rocket scientist? Oh wait...
3. Ernie Hudson tells Van Dien that his people are all behind him. Hudson should know about being behind after working all those years on OZ.
4. Mani is sick of the shark attacks because he can't go fishing. He should just go to the town hooker. I'm sure she has crabs that he'll be able to catch if he reels in far enough.
5. Don't ever fight Casper Van Dien. If he can survive bad Aaron Spelling soaps and horrible TV movies, he can survive anything.
6. Chasing killer sharks is considered dangerous. Same goes for watching SHARK ATTACK. Remember kids, sharks and crappy films made about them both bite!
*This was a Public Service Announcement paid for by The Wolf.*
7. Mani finds fish and the smell of fish gross, happy to be a vegetarian. I see he's into pickles. Hey, to each their own.
8. The blonde white chick kicked the black goon's ass. If Hilary had done that to Obama, maybe she'd be winning delegates right now.
9. If you want to open a file cabinet, throw it hard to the floor. Keys are so overrated.
10. If a shark has to choose between a white dude and a black dude, he's picking the dark meat. This pretty much throws away that stereotype. Black people can swim. They just don't want to.
THE FINAL HOWL
SHARK ATTACK should be turned into chum and be fed to fish everywhere so we wouldn't have to watch it. It's just flat-out terrible and uninteresting to watch. I wasn't expecting a classic but it met BELOW my expectations [which were pretty low to begin with]. Skip this and watch any of the JAWS films. Yes, even the crappy sequels. Believe me, they're a lot more entertaining than anything SHARK ATTACK has to offer. And I still have SHARK ATTACK 2 and SHARK ATTACK 3 to review! Hoo boy! FUN!!!
SHARK ATTACK, I'm harpooning your ass into the WTF Vault where you can swim with the rest of the fishes. I would tell you to kiss my ass, but you'd probably bite and chew on it.
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