The WTF? Worst Films Extravaganza Presents: Do You Wanna Know A Secret? (2001)

DIRECTED BY
Thomas Bradford

STARRING
Dorie Barton - Beth Morgan
Joseph Lawrence - Hank Ford
Jeff Conaway - Agent Owen Sacker
Tom Jay Jones - Oz Washington
Chad Allen - Brad Adams
Leonora Scelfo - Tina Webster
Elsie Escobar - Nellie Lopez
Britton Purvis - Tom Barton

Genre - Horror/Slasher/Mystery

Running Time - 96 Minutes

Score - BOMB


Being a member of Netflix, I'm always greeted by a series of recommendations for films that are similar to the ones I have in my queue or have rated. Since my number one genre on Netflix is horror, I get tons of recommendations for films I have never heard of in my life. It's pretty awesome I think because I'm always looking for new stuff, but I usually don't bother researching these recommendations or even adding them to my queue.

The other day, however, I actually added one of these recommendations in my queue called DO YOU WANNA KNOW A SECRET?. What compelled me to add this film, I have no idea. It had so many things going against it that should have stopped me from doing so.

1. It's a slasher flick from the early 2000s.

2. It has Joey, I'm sorry, JOSEPH Lawrence from Blossom and Chad Allen from My Two Dads in it. Yeah...

3. A sober Jeff Conaway is playing a cop. If he ain't going through withdrawal, he's not worth my time.

4. The plot sounds eerily similar to another slasher flick from the late 1990s. This can't be good.

Still, I put it to the top of my queue and watched it last night, hoping that it would surprise me. Let me ask you a question: DO YOU WANNA KNOW A SECRET?

(looks from left to right to make sure no one listens)

This movie sucks harder than Sienna Miller on Balthazar Getty's dick. Surprise!

PLOT
Some blonde hair college dude who wears tighter jeans than most women ends up getting killed by some ridiculous looking killer. The only clue left by the killer is a note that reads "Do you wanna know a secret?" I really didn't want to know but I had to find out in order to review this crap.

Anyway, a year passes and the dude's girlfriend Beth (Dorie Barton) and her new boytoy Hank (Joseph Lawrence) decide to go to Spring Break with four of their friends to get laid and party like rockstars. The four friends happen to be stereotypes: the token black dude Oz (Tom Jay Jones), the asshole Brad (Chad Allen), the drunk slut Tina (Leonora Scelfo), and the angry Latina chick Nellie (Elsie Escobar). They end up staying at a beach house, ready to have fun on their vacation. "Coincidentally", these friends end up dying one by one as the words "Do you wanna know a secret?" are written everywhere. I'm talking about on a computer monitor, shower curtains, windows, my 12-inch cock - everywhere! Beth keeps seeing the killer around, knowing the person is somewhat connected to her. Who can it be? Is it Jennifer Love Hewitt? Is it Sarah Michelle Gellar? Is it Ryan Phillippe? Is it Freddie Prinze, Jr.? Is it Jack Black returning as that annoying Jamaican motherfucker from the sequel? Am I thinking of another movie that's actually better than this one? Yep.

REVIEW
I have three words for DO YOU WANNA KNOW A SECRET? that shouldn't be a secret:

WHAT THE FUCK!?

I should have known I would be torturing myself with this fuckin' film. What a waste of time DO YOU WANNA KNOW A SECRET? is. Why did I honestly think that maybe this could be a good horror flick? It has Joey fuckin' Lawrence as the male lead for God's sakes! The fact that this film made me want to watch a 24 hour marathon of Blossom episodes shows how lame this movie is. DO YOU WANNA KNOW A SECRET? is honestly the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life.

Kermit Christman and Del Tenney wrote the piece of shit screenplay, or as I like to call it, plagarized it from I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER and I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER. They took everything that was good about IKWYDLS and replaced it with annoying characters, bad actors, lame murder sequences, and a twist ending that you can figure out 20 minutes in. And as bad ISKWYDLS is, I would rather watch that 100 times than watch 5 minutes of this.

The characters are all annoyingly horrible that you wish someone would nuke them all to save yourself 80 minutes of your time to watch something else. Beth is the blonde "final girl" character who's trying to be like Jennifer Love Hewitt but looks like a manlier Reese Witherspoon. The problem is that she doesn't have big tits, she isn't cute at all, and possesses not even 1/100th of the acting talent Hewitt has. She thinks she's crazy. She acts like a jealous bitch. And she has a thing for Joey Lawrence. Ew! Speaking of Lawrence, Hank is the male lead himbo with the big muscles but really tiny brain [I'm sure that's not the only organ on his body that's small]. He tries to be a nice guy but distracts you with his well-groomed features that most women would be jealous over. He's also a kickboxer. Yeah, let's say that he won't be in any tournaments anytime soon. And he likes to say "Hip hop hooray" alot too. Ugh...

The other characters are just as bad. Brad is the dickhead you want dead the moment you lay eyes on him. He enjoys rubbing it in to Beth that her boyfriend was brutally murdered and enjoys playing Doom on his laptop. Yeah, great guy. The token black guy, Oz, is embarrassing to watch. Especially since he likes to correct people with the proper slang for all the cool kids to understand him. I keep forgetting today's youth doesn't know any proper English and wouldn't be able to understand their own language without subtitles. Thanks, Oz. At least he doesn't die first although he's called "boy" and arrested because he's black. Nice to see the Civil Rights movement still being practiced today! Tina is the slut and has no shame in hiding it. Too bad she looked like her pimp smacked her around a bit after she left her corner before heading on this trip. But then beauty is subjective, isn't it? And Nellie was the typical Latina chick who liked sex and had an attitude. Oh yeah...this is gonna appeal to the minorities. Fuckin' idiots.

And then there's the killer. You barely ever seen him or her, which is plus. You gotta see what this person's costume looks like. I can't even explain how silly it is. It's like this person went to the 99 cent store and bought the cheapest looking ensemble he or she could buy. I actually laughed when I saw the mask. Oh my God, why would anyone think this would scare people? It's so pathetic to look at! Michael Jackson looks scarier and that's his face!! This was just comedic.

The gore? Non-existent. Sure there's blood, a decapitated head, and a shot of someone's throat that's been slit. But do we actually see the people being killed? No. What the fuck is the point then? And there's no nudity either! This is a R-rated horror flick and it doesn't have guts and T&A? BULLSHIT!!

The direction by Thomas Bradford is absolutely terrible. He attempts to direct this as if he's making his own I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER film. But no secret - he fails miserably at it. Pacing? Totally off. Tension? Suspense? Scares? Oh, who needs that? Even the cinematography and editing wasn't all that great. The only good thing Bradford did was cut away from Joey Lawrence's junk when he was in the shower. If I had seen his "Whoa!", I would have found this hack of a director and told him my secret. And that secret involves sharp weapons that boys like me shouldn't be playing with because I'm not totally right in the head when I get pissed off by the worst film I have ever witnessed! Great. Now I'm twitching and hearing the voices again....

The acting is abysmal from everyone. Dorie Barton is as bland of an actress as they come. She's not even hot to look at either [which could have helped at least], so she's pointless. Jeff Conaway watched every cop show he could find and took every bad aspect about them to create his character. This dude was a walking cliche. No wonder he got hooked on drugs. See what you did, Thomas Bradford!? Chad Allen played an actor trying to act like a dickhead but only making me bored instead. Didn't work, douchebag. Tom Jay Jones, Leonora Scelfo, and Elsie Escobar were eh. Honestly, the best actor was Joseph Lawrence, yet he sucked too but on a lesser level. When the dude from Blossom is your best performance, you know your movie is in trouble.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE NEVER OPENING PANDORA'S BOX AGAIN

- Some blonde dude was looking for his girlfriend, Beth, in the Men's Bathroom. If that's the first place you look for your honey when she's missing, then something's not right. God, I hate it when chicks pee standing up.

- Some slut wanted to show her tits in exchange for a taco. So that's how Portia de Rossi landed Ellen! Nice trade!

- Beth told Hank that if he was cheating on him, she would cut off his bits. I got one word to say about that: WHOA!

- The core group of friends have their own rhyme that unites them as one. If this is what real friends do, then I'm glad I'm a loner.

- Tina wished she could be a bitch. Bending over in front of me and barking like a dog would be a great start. Woof!

- Beth was furious when she caught Hank kissing Tina in front of her. Well maybe if Beth didn't hang out in the Men's Bathroom so much, maybe Hank would be more interested. Sometimes, a guy doesn't want a prostate exam!

- Nellie got scared when the token black guy, Oz, popped up with a knife in his hand. Silly goose. Black people use guns, not knives. Sheesh. Some people are so ignorant!

- Brad, played by Chad Allen, was stabbed to death. No big deal. He gets stabbed every night. Only except that it's in his bedroom and it doesn't involve knives. Can you taste the rainbow?

- Hank is the worst kickboxer ever, yet he managed to beat up a couple of dudes. Gimme A Break! Maybe if he stopped getting his spa treatments and actually studied something other than metrosexuality [nice eyeliner], his skills would Blossom.

- "People aren't supposed to die on vacation." Wait, so they're supposed to die at home? Who the fuck writes this shit!?

- Some racist police officer called Oz "boy". Unless you're The Tall Man, calling a black person by that word is not only offensive, but it's gonna get your ass capped. Word.

THE FINAL HOWL
I can go on and on about how much you'd be wasting your time with DO YOU WANNA KNOW A SECRET?. But then again, I'm attempting to repress this horrible piece of "cinema". Don't buy. Don't rent. Don't watch. After you read this, just erase it from your mind that it even exists. Don't even let it kiss your ass because it'll taint that very act. It may save you a trip to the mental asylum. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to write an apology letter to the makers of BLOODY MURDER. Hmph. You fucked me over, Netflix! You owe me big time!

The WTF? Worst Films Extravaganza Presents: One Missed Call (2008)

DIRECTED BY
Eric Valette

STARRING
Shannyn Sossamon - Beth Raymond
Edward Burns - Detective Jack Andrews
Ana Claudia Talancon - Taylor Anthony
Ray Wise - Ted Summers
Azura Skye - Leann Cole
Johnny Lewis - Brian Sousa
Jason Beghe - Ray Purvis
Margaret Cho - Detective Mickey Lee
Meagan Good - Shelley Baum

Genre - Horror/Ghosts/Remakes

Running Time - 87 Minutes

Score - BOMB


The horror scene in the late 1990s/early 2000s was an interesting one. After the massive success of SCREAM in 1996 and I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER in 1997, American film studios kept cranking out as many teen horror flicks that they could in order to capitalize on this revival of horror. Some films managed to succeed, like URBAN LEGEND, HALLOWEEN H20, THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT, THE SIXTH SENSE, and FINAL DESTINATION to name a few. But mostly, we were treated to the same exact shit time and time again, causing people to look elsewhere. And that "elsewhere" happened to be in Asia, where the horror scene was becoming quite the talk of the movie world. Films like AUDITION, RINGU, JU-ON, and so on were showing unsatisfied viewers that horror was alive and well in a whole other part of the world.

Unfortunately, American markets caught on to this and decided to bring these films to the Western world. But instead of Asian themes and actors, they would Americanize everything with American actors and American themes because us Americans are just too damn ignorant to want to watch Asian people get frightened by Asian looking ghosts that meow like cats in heat. So in 2002, we got the first major Americanized remake in the form of THE RING. Fortunately, THE RING worked pretty damn well and was a good flick, making tons of cash at the box office. Hell, watching that scene where that little bitch from the well coming out of the television to kill creeped me out for days. Unfortunately, the sequel creeped out in an entirely different way, but there's no need to discuss that now.

Testing the waters to see if lightning would strike twice, the Americanized remake of JU-ON, known as THE GRUDGE, was released. A pretty good flick itself, THE GRUDGE was very successful at the box office. Again, I wish I could say the same about the sequel, but that's another story for another time. Then, things just got ridiculous as studios began remaking as many K-horror and J-horror films as they could just to make money. PULSE bombed and deservingly so. This year alone we've had 4 films so far that were based on Asian horror films: MIRRORS, SHUTTER, THE EYE, and the movie I'm reviewing today: ONE MISSED CALL.

Now I've never seen the original ONE MISSED CALL, known as CHAKUSHIN ARI, directed by famed Asian director Takashi Miike in 2003. I've heard reports that it's actually a decent flick, but you wouldn't be able to tell that from watching the horrible American remake. ONE MISSED CALL is so bad that it made me almost end my plan with my cell phone provider. Let's see the many reasons as to why you should hang up on this one as if it were an annoying telemarketer.

PLOT
Get this - cell phones ring with some weird ring tone that the owner doesn't even use or have heard of with the call being dialed by a deceased friend. Apparently, the message says you have "one missed call" and a voicemail is left for the listener to hear. The message is the last moments of the owner of the phone's life with a date stamped to let them know exactly when they're gonna die. Since her friends are dying [with red hard candies popping out of their mouths] because of these weird phone calls, Beth Raymond (Shannyn Sossamon in desperate need of a new agent) wants to know what's up with these stupid phone calls.

She goes to the police, but they don't believe her. I mean, why would you believe a woman who named her child "Audio Science" anyway? But I digress. Anyway, a detective named Jack Andrews (Ed Burns cashing a paycheck for his next indie flick) takes her case, since his sister died from the same call. They must work very quickly to figure out what's going on since Beth has received a phone call herself.

And some other shit happens as well, but none of it is gonna make the film sound better than it isn't.

REVIEW
I have three words for ONE MISSED CALL:

WHAT THE FUCK!?

This has got to be the worst film I've seen all year. It's right up there with MEET THE SPARTANS and STEEL TRAP, no joke. ONE MISSED CALL is the reason why I loathe this "let's remake a good film that doesn't need it" trend. There's nothing of redeeming value here. There are no scares. There is no character development. No suspense. No tension. Too much silly CGI. And it's boring. How do you make a horror film boring!? The original must be better by default because I can't see why any studio would remake a bad film and make it worse.

There's some rumor where director Eric Valette refused to watch the original version, CHAKUSHIN ARI, even telling the actors not to watch it either. I think he wanted to make his own film without being influenced by the original, although he had no problem copying themes from THE RING or THE GRUDGE and keeping the same cliches going from those films by using them here. Yeah, great idea dillhole! Don't bother watching the original so you could, I dunno, improve on it. Why would anyone want to do that? Give me a fuckin' break, dude. I can't believe Warner Bros. thought that was actually a great idea on Valette's part. But then again, they did release BATMAN & ROBIN to the public years ago, so maybe I shouldn't be surprised.

The story is also absolutely ridiculous. Cell phones? Really? That's supposed to be scary? "Oh my God, someone is calling me from some strange ringtone that sounds like an ice cream truck is pulling up the curb! Someone help me!" And not only that, but the ghost on these phones actually scrolls through your call lists and picks a sucker to murder in a few days. Who knew the afterlife was so tech-savvy?

I dunno about you, but if I received a call that told me I was gonna die two days from now, I would - I dunno - cancel my service!? Break the damn phone [which doesn't work by the way]!? Move away where there are no phones!? I would do anything but actually continue to answer the damn thing, like Beth does. Boy, she's so hard up on listening to morbid phone calls and wonders why she's part of this bullshit. That's what happens when you're nosy, bitch! Curiosity killed the cat, remember? And you're on your last life, sweetheart. Yeah, you keep answering the stupid phone with the weird ass ring tone and hearing yourself die. Duh? And then the scene that really pissed me off - Beth lying in her bed with earphones on in the dark after she was just smothered by some dead person in a vent. Sure, why not relax after some zombie wanted to kill you? It's not like that's a daily occurence? Put that iPod on and listen to Miley Cyrus sing her big teeth mouth off. That's gonna change alot of shit. Stupid whore.

The rest of the characters are just as stupid. One girl gets on top of a train platform, knowing she's gonna die that way. Some dude utters exactly what he said in his voicemail message before getting impaled near a construction site. Let's not forget the detective who will not break down a door because it's against his moral code, but knows exactly how to use a card to jam the lock and open said door. He also enjoys looking through peepholes when someone evil is banging on a door, not realizing looking is a two-way thing. What a genius. And the hot Latina chick, who goes through a faux-exorcism hoping the ghosts will leave her alone. Babe, when some TV producers has cameras on you and is counting the cash he'll receive from the ratings, he's not helping you rid of evil. He is evil.

And of course, we have to create a connection between Beth and the killer, who were both abused by their mothers as children. Beth is even a psychology major who takes classes on abuse, yet can't deal with her own. And the killer, well, let's just say that never mess with anyone's asthma pump. That's right. The killer is pissed off because she had no more medication in her pump. The little things that will motivate people into murder these days, geez! What a bunch of whiny bitches!

The story, written by the guy who wrote DON'T SAY A WORD [I'll never tell...his name, not like I care to know anyway], is horrible. The dialogue is bland. The situations just make you want to pull your hair out. The characters have no personalities other than stupidity and boredom. Even the motivation of the killer and the ending itself is just really painful to watch. And why do the victims begin seeing CGI millipedes and cartoonish looking ghosts anyway? What the fuck does that have to do with what the killer saw in her final moments? Wait a minute - the producers couldn't afford REAL millipedes? Oh, that's just pathetic. This is just bad screenwriting from beginning to end.

The deaths could have been cool if FINAL DESTINATION and its sequels didn't do them before and/or better. I will say the first death was pretty funny, especially when even the animal within the scene wasn't even safe. It's not gonna raise my score or anything, but I did giggle when the scene happened. I would have cared if these characters died if the movie actually focused on them and not on the stupid cell phones that popped up everywhere in this flick. Subtlety is nice sometimes.

What is there to say about the direction by Eric Valette? It's not the worst visual filmmaking I've seen in my life. There are some moments where style is attempted, although I'm getting really sick of seeing ghosts who have head twitches everytime they want to kill. But it was pretty much "point and shoot" here. Nothing great like his work on MALEFIQUE, which is a good flick if you haven't seen it. But there's no tension, no suspense, no nothing that would make you think this film is supposed to scare you. I do know this film was supposed to be rated R instead of PG-13, so maybe the studio reined Valette in from doing what he does best. That's a shame because if they had let the guy do his thing, it probably would have been a much more interesting film to look at.

The acting was just terrible. Shannyn Sossamon is a very good actress and I love her like a lot of other people. But she's totally wasted here beyond belief. She looks bored the entire time and seems to be sleepwalking through the film without a care in the world. I think she still was on the drugs she took in RULES OF ATTRACTION and carried them over to here. New agent, Shannyn - get one! Ed Burns is no better. It's obvious he did this film so he can get paid to finance his next indie flick. He's a good actor himself but he has no business being in this film. Plus he and Sossamon have no chemistry with each other whatsoever, even though you're supposed to believe that they could hook up. Their match wouldn't even make a spark. Ana Claudia Talancon is hot as hell and I believe has some decent acting ability. But she's just silly here as well. Still, I enjoyed looking at her and her ass. Ray Wise seemed to be having fun in his small role, but seemed out of place. Azura Skye is a good actress stuck in a bad film. Johnny Lewis was alright too. And was that Margaret Cho as a detective? Yeah...I think I'm done here.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE WISHING I HAD PICKED UP THAT ONE MISSED CALL WARNING ME NOT TO WATCH THIS PIECE OF SHIT

- If you're female and own a cat that happens to be missing awhile, don't look for it near a body of water. You'll probably gonna get pulled in by some mysterious arm to your death. Unless you're a lesbian, you shouldn't be on the hunt for wet pussy anyway.

- Brian got impaled by a metal rod after some explosion. I heard about experimenting in college, but that's just ridiculous.

- Some TV producer played by Ray Wise believed Taylor was possessed because of the weird phone calls. The Devil performing exorcisms - oh, the irony!

- Beth had a day to figure out the origin of the phone calls before her death. I'm sure she wished she had more time like 40 DAYS AND 40 NIGHT or something. But then again, death doesn't follow any RULES OF ATTRACTION.

- The victims see millipedes whenever they're about to die. Too bad they're not centipedes. Rebbie Jackson could use the money from royalties and give it to Michael.

- Ed Burns pretty much ruins a major stereotype about his heritage. If he had the Luck of the Irish, why would he be starring in both this and 27 DRESSES? I guess he's not magically delicious, no matter how many women think so.

THE FINAL HOWL
Zzzzzzzz....huh? Oh yeah. ONE MISSED CALL sucks donkey dick and can kiss my ass. Save yourself the time and energy to watch this boring, clueless, and silly horror remake that had no business being released into theaters. Unless you really need a cure for insomnia or just want to rip into a film for whatever reason, then maybe check it out. Other than that, put ONE MISSED CALL on hold - for good.

Maniac On The Loose (2008)

DIRECTED BY
Steve Hudgins

STARRING
Nick Faust - Dr. Franklin Grimm
Steve Hudgins - Max
Randy Hardesty - Alex
Jessica Cook - Melissa
PJ Woodside - Dr. Lewis
Tom Dolan - Ryan

Genre - Horror/Serial Killers/Independent

Running Time - 94 Minutes

Score - 3.5 Howls Outta 4


Whenever I get sent a screener for some independent film, I get a bit apprehensive. I mean, a majority of them that I've seen aren't really all that good. Hell, they're downright terrible. When Sarah [Fatally Yours] offered her staff of writers screeners to pick from a while back, I wanted to pick a film that sounded like it could be decent. That's when I saw MANIAC ON THE LOOSE on the list and decided, "Hey it sounds cool. Maybe it'll be good." So I requested it and days later, I received it through the mail.

After opening the package, I found a note from the production company, Big Biting Pig Productions, telling me not to reveal any of the twists and plot devices in the film. I was like, "Oh no, this film is trying to be THE USUAL SUSPECTS. This can not be good." So I went in watching with low expectations - only to be surprised that MANIAC ON THE LOOSE is a pretty good indie horror flick! Who knew?

PLOT
Some crazy dude from a mental asylum escapes the joint, heading back to the neighborhood he once grew up in. Before you can say HALLOWEEN, the head of the asylum and the movie's prick on a stick, Dr. Franklin Grimm (Nick Faust), does his best to keep the situation out of the public's eye because not only could he lose his job, but ruin his respected reputation as well. What a caring individual.

Meanwhile, some chick named Melissa (Jessica Cook) gets into her car and drives over to some dude named Alex's house. Apparently they met on some internet dating site [without photos no less - smart broad] and they plan to have a blind date. She turns on the radio to hear some report about the escaped mental patient, warning people to be on alert because the guy has no remorse for his actions. As a matter of fact, he's some famous family serial killer named John Bromley. It's always nice to have a famed serial killer in your town. Gives the neighborhood some personality. Anyway, Melissa and Alex get caught up into the maniac's plans, leading to twists and turns in the story that must be seen to believe.

REVIEW
This will probably be one of the shortest reviews I've ever written, since I can't spoil anything but talking about certain stuff about the film. I will say that MANIAC ON THE LOOSE is one of the better screeners I've received to review. Like THE USUAL SUSPECTS, what you see isn't always what it appears to be. Plus like PULP FICTION, the story has a non-linear narrative where the past and present collide to give us insight to the situation and how it came to be. Usually many filmmakers use this tactic as a way to look better as a director and screenwriter, but failing miserably when nothing makes sense and end up confusing the viewer even more. MANIAC ON THE LOOSE, fortunately, doesn't end up confusing anyone because it all makes sense once it reaches its conclusions. Hell, I didn't get some of the twists while watching it until they were presented on screen. Pretty impressive filmmaking there.

Writer/director Steve Hudgins has crafted together a very good indie flick. Hudgins doesn't have a lot of money to work with, but the visuals were still good. The flashback stuff and the transitions revealing the twists in the film were very well done. Not once was I confused by what I was watching. There is also some gore and stuff, and the shots of the gorier scenes were cool. The pacing was great. The editing was great. Hudgins did a nice directorial job overall. One of the better looking indie horror flicks I've seen.

The acting was very good. The performers were all unknowns and all had a place in the film. There were some moments of maybe being a bit over the top when it came to acting, but other than that, I was fine with it. I wish I could talk more about it but that would be spoiling things. Still, it was a nice job overall.

There are also special features on the DVD I received, such as a blooper reel, two trailers, and three deleted scenes. They don't really add much to be honest but at least the thought and attempt was there.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE NEVER USING AN INTERNET DATING SITE AGAIN

- If you want to escape from a mental asylum, wear grey footie slippers. No one will hear you walk, open doors, or sound any alarms. So that's how my stalker, I mean my number one fan, did it...

- Melissa had beads hanging in her car. I sense a flasher! Whoo-hoo Mardi Gras! Titties!!

...Sorry. I got carried away there. I can act like such a boob sometimes.

- Dr. Clark felt that his talents were wasted at Dawson's Springs. I'm sure James Van Der Beek felt the same when he lived by that creek with the same name. Remember: You don't want to wait for your life to be over.

- Don't ever lick your lips at a woman. Unless you're LL Cool J, you're just gonna ruin any chances of doin' it and doin' it and doin' it wild.

- "Max" licked the rim of Melissa's glass of water before serving it to her. I prefer soap and water for cleaning gunk off of my drinking glass, but I appreciate the late effort.

- Dr. Grimm told Dr. Bloomfield [who happens to know his actors and films] that he should quit medicine and become a critic. Okay, who read my journal and based a character on me? I hope no one makes a film about the "sticking just the tip in" incident...

- During a forced sexual situation, Melissa spat in the face of her attacker. Damn, I was hoping she swallowed. Boo!

THE FINAL HOWL
MANIAC ON THE LOOSE is a good indie horror flick that's worth more than a single watch. Instead of being some HALLOWEEN clone like it could have been, it offered some originality by creating a series of twists and turns that worked in its favor. Just like HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER, I'm more untrustworthy of the people in my neighborhood. Who knows if that friendly neighbor is doing nothing more than setting me up in a trap? What a messed up world we live in.

Death Race (2008)

DIRECTED BY
Paul W.S. Anderson

STARRING
Jason Statham - Jensen Ames
Joan Allen - Hennessey
Ian McShane - Coach
Tyrese Gibson - Machine Gun Joe
Natalie Martinez - Case
Max Ryan - Pachenko
Robin Shou - 14K

Genre - Action/Racing

Running Time - 105 Minutes

Score - 2 Howls Outta 4


If you're reading this and happen to have been living under a rock for years, you should know that we're living in the age of remakes. There's not a month where at least one "reimagining" of an earlier [and most likely better] film isn't released on DVD or in a theatre near you. I think most of us are sick of this trend, but a majority of these remakes happen to make bank, so it ain't going away any time soon.

That's not to say that all remakes are horrible. Films like John Carpenter's THE THING and the 80s version of THE BLOB to modern remakes like Zack Synder's DAWN OF THE DEAD and Alexandre Aja's THE HILLS HAVE EYES have proven that if you take an old idea and update it in a smart and intelligent way, the film can be a major success.

Unfortunately, the same can't be said for Paul W.S. Anderson's remake of 1975's Roger Corman produced DEATH RACE 2000, simply titled DEATH RACE. It's not a horrible film at all. In fact, it never bores you. But it's not a great film either and leaves you desiring more than it gives you. Yes my friends...DEATH RACE is just another film that happens to be nothing more than mediocre. Let's change gears and see where this film made a pit stop.

PLOT
In 2012, America has pretty much gone to crap in every way. To make ends meet, Jensen Ames (Jason Statham) works at a steel mill to support his loving wife and their baby daughter. After returning home one night, some goons invade their home - murdering Ames' wife and knocking him out. When he wakes up, Ames is confronted by police officers and is arrested for his wife's murder. Ames is quickly convicted to serve time at Terminal Island Prison, run by the ice cold warden Hennessey (Joan Allen). Ames soon learns that Terminal Island Prison is a place where prisoners race each other to the death to be broadcast all over the world via the internet. Hennessey presents Ames with a "get out of jail free" card by offering him to don the mask of the famous driver, Frankenstein. The previous Frankenstein (played by David Carradine - who played the character in the original film) was murdered in the last broadcasted race by Machine Gun Joe (Tyrese Gibson). Hennessey promises Ames that if he wins the race, she'll set him free to be with his daughter. Ames accepts and gets partnered with hottie navigator Case (Natalie Martinez) and crew member Coach (Ian McShane). But as he prepares for the race and learns more about Hennessey and Terminal, Ames discovers that the situation is not all what it seems and that he may have been purposedly been framed for murder by Hennessey just for high ratings for the upcoming race.

REVIEW
DEATH RACE is one of those films that's all style but no substance, yet it doesn't really work here completely for some reason. It's got action. It's got cars. It's got bloody deaths. It's got explosions. It's got hot women. It's got bad ass Jason Statham doing what he does best. Yet, it doesn't click at all and it leaves you feel a bit blah. The fact that the trailer is more exciting than the actual film is pretty sad.

Paul W.S. Anderson, who is known as one of the worst directors in the film industry at the moment [I'm on the fence on that one], doesn't do any favors here as a screenwriter. Anderson pretty much took everything that was cool about the original [colorful characters, unique cars, camp value] and left it on the cutting room floor. The characters aren't developed enough for us to give a damn about them, except for Ames and maybe Hennessey mainly for their actions and dialogue alone. All the racers besides Ames/Frankenstein and Machine Gun Joe are interchangably cannon fodder just to have these two race each other at the end. The cars all look like metal tanks with machine guns and smoke screens. In the original, even the cars had personality. Here? They're as cold as Hennessey's personality. Nothing really special about the cars here except that they can kill people if used correctly. And there's no camp value in this film at all. It takes itself way too seriously for such a silly premise. Plus it's predictable and heavily cliched as hell. Those things are only bad when a filmmaker doesn't attempt to do anything special with them, like Anderson fails to do here. It's just lazy screenwriting from beginning to end, which sucks because this film could have been cooler if someone who can actually write a compelling script was hired for DEATH RACE.

Plus Anderson seems to attempt at some social commentary here, but doesn't do anything with it. There's the idea of people paying hundreds of dollars to watch people kill each other on the internet. Yeah, that shows how fucked up society has become due to its futuristic dark age. But is it made to be somewhat important? No. THE CONDEMNED [which is exactly what this film is, but with cars] and UNTRACEABLE did a much better job expressing this commentary in their respective films. DEATH RACE just swats it away. Plus, we have something that's brought up about Machine Gun Joe's sexuality, that never plays out at all in the entire film. Why even bother saying he's a homosexual if he doesn't even exude or display anything that would make the audience believe the same thing? And then there's the idea of replacing Frankenstein with someone else. Hennessey says something along the lines of being able to replace the driver but not the mask towards the end of the film and it just made me see it as Anderson's way of commenting on the remake cycle. It's as Anderson is saying that as long as the name of the film is the same, even with a different crew and actors involved, it doesn't really matter because viewers will see it as sort of the same anyway - as if the original can be replaced by something new and most people wouldn't tell or care about the difference. Maybe I'm overanalyzing it but I call bullshit if I'm right. Not that it matters anyway because I'm sure it flew over many people's heads anyway.

Was there anything I liked? Sure. The action was pretty good. Who doesn't like watching people dying in horrible ways, such as hit and run and explosions? Seeing the races and watching metal get shot and caught in traps is always fun in my book. Plus the women were very hot in this film, especially Natalie Martinez, who can navigate with me anytime she wants. Foxy lady...

I also liked Anderson's direction here too. He's not the greatest by far but, like Michael Bay, knows how to direct action. The pacing was tight. The editing was good. The action sequences were sort of fun to watch. Anderson seems to be following in the shaky-cam trend most action directors seem to love at the moment. It did divert from the action at times but it didn't bother me all that much. I honestly think this may have been Anderson's tightest directorial film. That's not saying a whole lot, but I didn't hate it - so it's all good.

The acting was probably the highlight of the film, even with the lack of material the actors were given. Jason Statham is playing Jason Statham as usual, being a total bad ass motherfucker who will not take any shit as Jensen Ames. He's cool, collected, and charismatic as hell. Joan Allen as Hennessey was a bit weird in terms of casting, but she played the bitchy ice queen to a "T". I would never expect Allen to be in a film like this, but I guess those BOURNE films really did a number on her. However, I really enjoyed her here as she was very classy, yet you could tell she would stick that knife into someone and twist it just for the hell of it. I wish her character was more developed, but what can you do? Tyrese Gibson seemed to be having the most fun as Machine Gun Joe. He was okay, I guess. I still don't understand the whole homosexual deal since Tyrese never lets on that he is. I personally prefer Sylvester Stallone [who played the character in the original] over Tyrese. At least you knew Stallone's deal in the original. Here? No clue. And Ian McShane was good as Coach, although his talents are suited for a much better role and film. As a matter of fact, all these actors deserved better than DEATH RACE. But at least they tried to make the most of it, for which I do appreciate.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE REALIZING THERE'S NO NEED TO TURN TWIZTED METAL INTO A FILM AFTER WATCHING THIS

- Don't ever say "you can't kill me." If you're not a cat and don't have extra lives, you're fucked. And not in that Jenna Jameson sort of way either.

- Joan Allen was a pretty good bitch. I guess she was BOURNE to play the part. Get it? Oh...how I love puns!

- If your navigator happens to be female, you may have to ask her to sit on your lap in order to shoot someone with napalm. Not only is this a good strategy offensively, but the two of you will probably bond when she happens to shift your stick right into her tunnel.

- 14K really got a horrible third place finish. His attempts for a "flawless victory" only lead to his "fatality". How ironic.

THE FINAL HOWL
If you're looking for some depth in your movie, DEATH RACE is not for you. But if you happen to enjoy explosions, vehicular mayhem, and Jason Statham being a bad ass, then DEATH RACE may be a good rental. It is what it is and does what it needs to do well. But after seeing so many films like it many, many times before, DEATH RACE is nothing more but "been there, done that". Still, it's a fun flick if you leave the brain at the door.

Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer (1986)

DIRECTED BY
John McNaughton

STARRING
Michael Rooker - Henry
Tom Towles - Otis
Tracy Arnold - Becky

Genre - Horror/Serial Killers

Running Time - 83 Minutes

Score - 4 Howls Outta 4


As most of you know, the horror genre is my absolute favorite. It started when I first watched John Carpenter's HALLOWEEN when I was about 5 years old and I've never looked back since. Now at 27, I don't get creeped out or scared by many horror films, old and new, anymore. I just find them to be enjoyable entertainment and a nice escape from reality.

However, there are some films that don't let you escape from the real world. They bring about this illusion of reality by bringing a sort of documentary style to subject matter that we hear all the time in the news and on those crime shows you can watch on cable or satellite. One of these films is 1986's HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER. Based on serial killer, Henry Lee Lucas [who claimed to have murdered about 3000 people but have been considered false accounts], HENRY is an 83 minute vehicle to give viewers a glimpse into the darker side of the human psyche and show us that we all possess that characteristic in each and every one of us. Watching a man murder people because he can isn't enjoyable entertainment. As a matter of fact, it's downright disturbing. If HENRY doesn't creep you out, I have no idea what will.

PLOT
Henry (Michael Rooker) is a former criminal and drifter who lives with some white trash redneck named Otis (Tom Towles), who lives in Chicago, Illinois. Henry seems to be a normal guy - he works as a bug exterminator and does some construction on the side as well, he's very quiet, and seems very likeable. Oh, Henry also enjoys murdering people because of his "us vs. them" mentality. This murderous lifestyle starts to feel a bit cramped when Otis' sister, Becky (Tracy Arnold), moves in with them after leaving her husband. Otis has this unhealthy obsession with Becky, while Henry sees her as a chance of a normal life, even if it makes him feel uncomfortable. Things get complicated though when one night, Henry and Otis pick up two hookers and Henry murders them both. While shocked at first, Otis begins to enjoy being Henry's partner-in-crime, becoming obsessed with the idea of murdering people as his way of owning some power.

REVIEW
HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER is a true horror movie. There's no asylum escapee wearing a blank white mask. There's no mentally challenged brute displaying his love for hockey. That guy who invades dreams? He ain't here. Hell, there's not even a dude with pins in his head or a posessed doll who loves to use vulgar language. What we have here is an everyday dude who just happens to enjoy killing people as a hobby. No supernatural abilities. No family motivation. Henry just kills people because he can. How many people out there do you think behave like Henry? That person you walk by down the street? The last date you had that didn't work out? The waiter or waitress that serves your food? Your next door neighbor even? How do you know these people aren't serial killers in their secret life? The answer is...we don't. The fact that Henry looks like you and me and happens to enjoy taking people's lives without a shred of evidence giving us proof of that makes HENRY a very real and scary film.

You have to give director and screenwriter John McNaughton credit for creating such a powerful film. The story itself isn't as in-your-face as most horror films. It's extremely subtle - too subtle in fact - giving HENRY a sense of realism we don't usually see in the horror genre. The fact that Henry [then Otis] are serial killers is never really the focus. The focus is that Henry and Otis are regular joes who sit in a kitchen, reading the newspaper and drinking coffee, in a dim apartment. They have family issues like everyone else. They make their living by working honest jobs. They look like average people you can encounter in your every day life and not think anything special about them. They're protrayed as human beings. They just happen to enjoy killing people as if it's an addiction, like drugs, sex, and gambling. We never really learn why Henry enjoys killing so much. Is it power? Is it because it's the only thing he's comfortable with? Is it something more sinister? We don't know. That's pretty frightening because all of us are capable of what Henry is involved with if we allow ourselves to fall into that dark abyss. McNaughton gives the character such a normalcy that you can kind of understand why he would do such horrible acts, even though you know it's wrong. That's a hard thing to pull off but McNaughton does extremely well with it.

And there are moments that are pretty disturbing. For example, the scene where Henry and Otis invade a family home and torture the family that lives inside of it. Henry even brutally murders the teenage son as if it's regular routine in front of his mom and dad before they both murder the parents. It's not an entertaining scene in the slightest, but it's extremely effective because this could actually happen to any of us in real life. Other moments like when Henry picks up a hitchhiker carrying a guitar and then giving the guitar to Otis moments later without ever specifying what happened to the hitchhiker [although we know what happened] is pretty grim stuff. And then there's that scene where Becky and Henry are playing War [nice metaphor there] and Becky just flat out tells Henry that she was sexually abused by her father. This leads to Henry talking about how he murdered his mother simply because she "was a whore". And then he can't even remember how he murdered her because of all the confusion with the other women he's killed in his life. The conversation isn't meant to shock the audience. It's just two people discussing their past as if it's no big deal.

John McNaughton directs an excellent film here. There's really no style here. McNaughton shoots the entire film as "matter-of-fact" almost, like one would with a documentary. He just lets things happen naturally, without forcing tension or suspense to captivate viewers. The film is cheapy made and looks cheaply made, but that's really the point. You actually feel as if you're part of Henry's and Otis' world, witnessing their sick lives as a silent partner. You actually feel sort of dirty watching this film. It's bleak, depressing, and effective at the same time. McNaughton does a good job making you wonder if there is a Henry or Otis living in your neighborhood, wondering when they'll strike next.

The acting is perfect in HENRY. Michael Rooker has done a lot of films since HENRY, like MALLRATS, SLITHER, and CLIFFHANGER. But Rooker has never been effective as an actor as he is in this film. He protrays Henry as normal, quiet, shy, and almost polite. If you didn't know the guy was a serial killer, he'd probably be your friend or something more. He's frighteningly sympathetic and misunderstood, even though you should hate the guy for his actions alone. And when he starts murdering people with Otis, Rooker lets out this devious demeanor in Henry that's quite scary. Rooker never allows Henry to be some sort of caricature of a serial killer or even protrays him as a monster. He's a human being with massive flaws. Rooker gives the performance of his life here.

The supporting characters are just as perfect. Tom Towles, as Otis, is menacing and disgustingly perverted. He's the guy you love to hate because he's such an asshole to his sister. Plus he sells drugs to high school students. And then later in the film, Towles makes Otis more evil by actually enjoying murdering people as if it's better than sex. Plus making Otis so perverted that he practically rapes his own sister gives you reason to want this guy punished badly. Towles does a great job giving this character life. And Tracy Arnold is the sort of the moral center as Otis' sister, Becky. She's pretty dim and naive, but she's almost Henry's hope of a normal life and the catalyst that differentiates Henry from Otis. Arnold gives a great performance of a woman who has no idea who she is or what she wants because of her messed up past, making her a good fit for Henry. You kind of want to see these two together, but you know it doesn't come that easy. Simple and effective acting benefits HENRY greatly.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE NEVER TRUSTING ANYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD AGAIN

- Serial killers enjoy flirting with waitresses to make them believe they'll receive a nice tip. Unfortunately, that tip is either the blade of a knife or a bullet. I don't believe that's proper restaurant etiquette but I'll let it slide just this once.

- Some chick in the bathroom has the top of a bottle sticking out of her face. I've heard of someone hitting the bottle hard, but that's just ridiculous..

- Henry exterminates pests for a living. Sometimes it just writes itself.

- Becky found cutting fish gross due to the smell. That's funny. People also say that when she doesn't have her legs closed. Probably just a coincidence.

- Henry killed his mom because she was a whore. Gee, I hope Sienna Miller doesn't have any kids in the future.

- Henry and Otis picked up hookers and then killed them after having sex with them. It's just like Grand Theft Auto!

- Don't ever sell televisions. You'll get a bad surprise for not giving deals to your beloved homicidal customers. Remember: You can only be famous when you're ON television, not IN television.

- Serial killing is addictive. Just like with potato chips, you can't kill just one. Ask O.J. Simpson all about that. ALLEGEDLY.

- Don't ever rape your sister, especially if she once worked in a beauty shop. She'll know how to use a comb for more than just brushing hair. I've heard of an eye for an eye, but that's just really pushing it.

THE FINAL HOWL
If you want to feel uncomfortable for 83 straight minutes, watch HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER. It's undeniably powerful and effective. Just don't expect to have fun or be as entertained as you normally would be watching a slasher flick. HENRY is not that kind of film - far from it. I would recommend to anyone who hasn't seen this film to watch it at least once. I doubt it that you'll come back and watch HENRY over and over again. You have the nightly news for that.

Dog Soldiers (2002)

DIRECTED BY
Neil Marshall

STARRING
Kevin McKidd - Private Cooper
Sean Pertwee - Sergeant Wells
Emma Cleasby - Megan
Liam Cunningham - Captain Ryan
Darren Morfitt - Spoon
Leslie Simpson - Terry
Chris Robson - Joe
Thomas Lockyer - Bruce

Genre - Horror/Action/Werewolves

Running Time - 105 Minutes

Score - 3.5 Howls Outta 4


Whenever I think about the future of horror, my thoughts go to four individuals every time: Rob Zombie, Eli Roth, Alexandre Aja, and Neil Marshall. Marshall is probably the least known of the four, although most people have heard of his two recent movies. One was the recently released action/sci-fi hybrid homage, DOOMSDAY. The other was the more impressive and probably the best horror film of 2006, THE DESCENT. THE DESCENT put Marshall on the horror map, making him a name to look for in the future.

Unfortunately, most Americans probably didn't realize that Marshall made a film before THE DESCENT, called DOG SOLDIERS. DOG SOLDIERS is a modern take on the whole werewolf film that was pretty much destroyed by those wretched THE HOWLING sequels with a few gems not HOWLING related shining through along the way. DOG SOLDIERS is definitely one of those gems. It's not the best werewolf flick ever made and doesn't attempt to change the rules in any way. And it doesn't have to, because Marshall shows that werewolves and films about the lycans can still be good if you put a lot of heart and soul into it.

PLOT
Sergeant Wells (Sean Pertwee) and his squad of soldiers [Private Cooper (Kevin McKidd), Spoon (Darren Morfitt), Terry (Leslie Simpson), Joe (Chris Robson), and Bruce (Thomas Lockyer)] are expediting in some Scotland woods. Most of them complain about the expedition, wishing they were watching football [soccer] instead. After noticing some weird events, such as chewed up bodies and some injured and scared special ops agent named Ryan (Liam Cunningham) who is as trustworthy as far as you can throw him alone in the woods, Wells and his squad soon encounter a pack of hungry werewolves ready to feast on whatever is in front of them. After dealing with these creatures for a bit, the squad is helped by some researcher named Megan (Emma Cleasby) who knows what these werewolves are, who they are, and how to kill them. They head to the nearest house in the area for safety, hoping to defend themselves throughout the full moon night before daylight and help comes. Unfortunately, not everything or everyone appears to be as they seem, giving the squad more trouble they had been anticipating.

REVIEW
DOG SOLDIERS is probably one of two werewolf films from the 2000s [GINGER SNAPS is the other one] that I would recommend watching to anyone interested. It's pretty much NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD...but with werewolves...LOTS of werewolves. It's not a scary film at all but it's an entertaining one, as it mixes action with some black comedy to keep it a bit upbeat during a dark situation.

The story is pretty much straightforward: soldiers hike through some desolate woods, they find evidence of some kind of slaughter, they encounter werewolves, they're helped by someone with knowledge of these beasts, they lock themselves in a house and fight for survival. Nothing more. Nothing less. Neil Marshall, who also wrote the screenplay, takes what everyone knows about werewolves [silver, full moon, transformations] and uses them all logically well. He doesn't attempt to create a new lore like in THE HOWLING III: THE MARSUPIALS. There's no horrible magic subplot like in THE HOWLING II: YOUR SISTER IS A WEREWOLF. There's no crappy CGI like in AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN PARIS, CURSED, or SKINWALKERS. It's simple. It's to the point. Marshall introduces us to the soldiers and uses banter amongst them to create a reason for the viewer to care about them. There's no character development. We know who these people are through how they react with each other and within the situation. Sometimes, that's all you need to create sympathy. And once Marshall sets these characters up, then the action never stops until the very end. Marshall understands how to make a werewolf film work very well. How come no one else can do it? Why are good werewolf films so far and between? Can anyone tell me? It's not rocket science and Marshall proves that.

Like DOOMSDAY, Marshall pays homage to films or characters he was influenced by. The film, like I said, is pretty much NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD but with werewolves. But you also get moments that seem to have been influenced by ASSAULT ON PRECINCT 13, ALIENS, THE WILD BUNCH, THE MATRIX, and even GINGER SNAPS. Plus, one character is named "Bruce Campbell". And Marshall doesn't do this to look cool and to make money off of it. He does it because he can make it all work together and create a movie that people may have seen before but in a different twist. He uses every cliche and twist you can see in this type of movie, but still makes you care and see it differently while he's at it. That's the sign of a great filmmaker who not only uses what he knows but uses them in a way that makes it his own as well.

The SFX by Image FX was very impressive in DOG SOLDIERS. The action sequences and the gore were done believably. Loved the explosions. Loved the gunfire. Loved the blood splatter. Loved the mutilations done by the werewolves on to their victims. It worked for me. And the werewolves look pretty cool. Sure, they're guys in wolf suits. But they looked pretty believable. Especially since they're in the shadows most of the time. They kind of reminded me of the werewolves in the original THE HOWLING almost. I wish there was a full on transformation sequence because those are always cool to look at. But with the limited budget Marshall had to work with, he used it in all the right places to make DOG SOLDIERS work beautifully.

If I had any issue with the film, it's that most of the soldiers were interchangable. Aside from Cooper and Wells, the other members of their squad could have been played by anyone and it wouldn't have changed a thing for me. I know one really loved football. Was that Terry? And was Bruce the one pulled out the window by a werewolf during one of the action sequences? No wait, that was Spoon. You see? Nothing about them were really that distinctive. That's the whole point of being a soldier, I suppose, but in a film like this, it doesn't work too well.

Neil Marshall impresses in his first directorial film here. The film has a lot of style [shaky cam...whoa], energy, and heart. I loved the black and white POV shots whenever a werewolf would hunt its victim. I loved the dim composition and cinematography. The action sequences were shot with a lot of tension and suspense. Just a beautifully directed werewolf film. No surprise that he did a slightly better job with THE DESCENT. He even directed DOOMSDAY extremely well, even if the story was lacking. Marshall is the future of horror. Keep an eye on this dude, everyone.

The acting was perfect here. Kevin McKidd, who was recently on Journeyman and HBO's Rome and now a part of Grey's Anatomy, was great as the hero of the film. He was very moralistic and loyal to his squad to the very end. His toughness and willing to fight when the odds were hugely stacked against him were admirable traits. McKidd did a great job bringing depth to what could have been a one-note character. Plus, this dude voiced Jezz Torrent, the lead singer of Love Fist in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, which makes him forever awesome in my book. Sean Pertwee was awesome as the tough Sgt. Wells. I think he had the best scenes and the best lines. Gruff, intense, and fun to watch, Pertwee made the character work wonders. I loved this dude here. Emma Cleasby was great as the tough female lead, Megan. She held her own and then some with the men in the film, bringing class and grace to her role. Liked her alot. Liam Cunningham was a great asshole as Captain Ryan. I wanted to kick this dude in the balls every time he opened his mouth. That means he did his job. The rest of the actors were great too and nice comic relief for the film. A very cool cast of actors here.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE WISHING I WAS WATCHING THE FOOTIE RATHER THAN HUNTING WEREWOLVES

- "No knight should be without his sword." I agree, especially for those jousting sessions at night. And like "The Sword In The Stone", that sword ain't pulling out until I'm ready!

- Don't whistle in a group during a stealth-like expedition. You'll be "Hi Ho, Hi Ho"-ing six feet under towards your eternal bed. Don't be a Dopey.

- Contrary to belief, it's not normal for a dead bovine to fall from above onto your campsite. Don't have a cow and just skin the bovine to make yourself a leather jacket to keep warm. Then expect Pamela Anderson and Jenna Jameson to throw paint on you to show how dedicated they are as PETA activists. Who knows? Maybe you'll be able to throw your "paint" all over them later that night. See? Think positive.

- Some dude impaled himself against a branch while running away from a werewolf. Talk about going out on a limb to survive!

- Going up against a werewolf is like watching a Judd Apatow comedy: You'll be gusting a gut for both occasions. Only it literally happens when you mess with a werewolf. Ew...

- Don't ever call a werewolf a pussy. If you do, you'll be the one getting fucked and eaten like a female porn star, you douchebag!

- Megan began playing the piano while werewolves were outside the cabin, ready to kill. Either she's doing this because music soothes the savage beast, or because she's just a stupid bitch who deserves to get killed for not helping the others. I'll say the latter because I'm a dick.

THE FINAL HOWL
Finally! A very good werewolf film that doesn't involve bad actors, bad CGI, or kangawolves hurting my eyes and brain! DOG SOLDIERS is a film made by a fan for the fans, which is how it should be. You wanna see some real werewolf action? Check this flick out if you haven't. Gotta love the Brits.

The Toxic Avenger (1985)

DIRECTED BY
Michael Herz
Samuel Weil

STARRING
Mitchell Cohen - The Toxic Avenger
Andree Maranda - Sara
Pat Ryan, Jr. - Mayor Peter Belgoody
Gary Schneider - Bozo
Cindy Manion - Julie
Robert Prichard - Slug
Jennifer Baptist - Wanda
Mark Torgl - Melvin Furd

Genre - Horror/Comedy/Science Fiction/Cult

Running Time - 82 Minutes

Score - 4 Howls Outta 4


There are good movies. And there are bad movies. It's all subjective, depending on our tastes and our attitudes towards the subject matter presented to us. If you been following my very popular WTF? Worst Films Extravaganza series, you know there are some films so bad that it just brings out the inner wolf out of me and deservingly get ripped to shreds. However, there are bad films out there that are so bad that they're actually really good and are of high entertainment value. And if you ever want to watch a film that's bad, yet so good, you usually go to one film studio: Troma Films.

Lloyd Kaufman has created a niche market when it comes to bad films. Movies like TROMEO AND JULIET, CLASS OF NUKEM HIGH, and REDNECK ZOMBIES have garnered a cult audience who has an appreciation for these sort of films. But the film that has made Troma what it is today is probably their best one. And that film is THE TOXIC AVENGER. For those who want to party inside the House of Troma, THE TOXIC AVENGER is the perfect place to start.

PLOT
Some nerdy, 90 pound weakling named Melvin (Mark Torgl) has a job as a janitor at the Tromaville Health Club, mopping floors and cleaning toilets badly. Due to his frame and the way he carries himself, Melvin is constantly the butt of jokes at his workplace by the patrons who work out there - specifically blonde bimbo Julie (Cindy Manion), her angry boyfriend Bozo (Gary Schnieder), their perverted friend Slug (Robert Prichard), and his brunette nympho girlfriend Wanda (Jennifer Baptist) who spend their times playing a game of hit-and-run to see who can garner the most points [Puerto Ricans are worth 30 points while children under 12 are worth double]. Julie creates a plan to humiliate Melvin by seducing him into a pink tutu and making him kiss a sheep in front of the entire Health Club. Melvin, obviously embarrassed, hysterically jumps out of a window of the Health Club and falls into a vat of toxic waste, which burns him and makes his skin bubbly. Returning home and attempting to wash off the waste, Melvin begins to transform into the seven-feet-tall and muscularly deformed Toxic Avenger [although he's known as The Monster Hero here due to Troma not sure what to title the film when the script was used].

Now a new, uh, man, The Toxic Avenger begins to sense all evil in the city of Tromaville, killing all criminals and leaving his calling card by mopping their faces in. He even manages to gain a girlfriend in Sarah (Andree Miranda), who happens to be blind. Enjoying a "normal" life for a change, he has no idea that fat Mayor Peter Belgoody (Pat Ryan, Jr.) wants to destroy Toxie in order to continue his corrupt reign over the city.

REVIEW
THE TOXIC AVENGER is one of the most popular cult films you could ever watch. While a failure at the box office, its massive success on the video market led to multiple sequels and even a popular cartoon called The Toxic Crusaders that I enjoyed very much when I was younger. Is the film bad? Absolutely. There's no question about it. But it knows it's bad and intentionally pushes all sort of buttons to elicit reactions out of its unsuspecting viewers. That's why THE TOXIC AVENGER is a great film.

After watching THE TOXIC AVENGER, you realize why it was such an underground success. It's funny as hell. It's gory and bloody in an over-the-top manner. And best of all, this film knocks the conservative way on its ass by being one of the most intentionally politically incorrect films of all time. I mean, what other film will you get two couples pretty much getting off running down a kid on a bike and then reversing their car back just to squash his head like a watermelon? Or one of the chicks who were part of that tragedy actually fingering herself as she looks at the photos she took of roadkill? Or that brutal scene where Bozo and Slug beat up an old woman for her car in broad daylight? How about having every stereotype being displayed, not caring if they offend people? I mean, homosexuals are seen as men-crazed, tight clothes wearing individuals. Tromaville's police chief seems to be inspired by characters from Hogan's Heroes, acting like a Nazi and even calling the Mayor "Mein Fuhrer". Even the blind are unscathed, seen as clumsy and helpless individuals because they can't see. Most films wouldn't have the balls to do something like this today unless they're written by Trey Parker and Matt Stone of South Park fame. That's why THE TOXIC AVENGER is so special. Sure, a lot of people dislike the film for this very reason but they don't get it. The film is supposed to be bad. It's supposed to be pushing boundaries. It's supposed to make you feel dirty for watching such filth. It's self-aware and doesn't take itself seriously at all. This is the kind of film that is fun to watch and probably more fun to make. If you can't appreciate a film like this, you need to take that stick out of your ass and learn how to loosen up and have fun.

Directors Michael Herz and Lloyd Kaufman aren't the greatest directors in the world. But THE TOXIC AVENGER proves that it doesn't really matter. It just makes the film more charming and appealing with the pretty bad visual style. The editing is uneven. The pacing is disjointed. But it just makes watching the film that more inviting because it's supposed to look cheaply made. I will say that the special effects teams did a decent job with the Toxie transformation, but the rubber mask that's supposed to be Toxie's face cracks me up. I loved the shots of gore and blood. Very awesome. And what about that cheesy soft rock theme that plays whenever Toxie and Sara are together? Talk about gasping for some Air Supply.

The acting is horrible. Each actor is over-the-top and couldn't deliver lines believably to save their lives. But it wouldn't be a Troma film if the acting was so good and it just makes this B-movie that much more entertaining. I happen to find Toxie's dubbed voice extremely hilarious and worth the price of admission alone. This isn't Shakespeare and it shouldn't be treated as such. This is a showcase for horrible thespians and thank God for it.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE WALKING AROUND LIKE THE ELEPHANT MAN

- In 1985, Tromaville was the Toxic Chemical Capital of the World. In 2008, it's Paris Hilton's vagina. I don't think even Toxie can salvage what's left of that polluted wide open area.

- At the Health Club, men are free to wear tight briefs while flirting with each other. The Health Club also allows really obese people to get full body massages while they eat meaty sandwiches, as well as allowing members to fornicate in the middle of a workout session. Is there any wonder why I work out at home?

- There's only one muscle men need to worry about. John Wayne Bobbit learned that the hard way years ago.

- Running over a Puerto Rican is worth 30 points. At least I'm worth more than everyone but children under 12. Well at least to everyone but Michael Jackson and R. Kelly, that is.

- Don't let a dumb, vindictive blonde seduce you into wearing a pink tutu. She's either pulling a prank on you or she's setting you up with her gay best friend. If you value your dignity and/or your anal virginity, I'd advise you to stay away from a pink tutu.

- Some gay thugs beat up a cop. I guess three queens can beat a straight...

- Out of the three thugs that try to rob the fast food joint, the white guy was named Leroy and the black guy was named Frank. Shouldn't it be the other way around?

...What? Like you weren't thinking the same thing?

- Frank needed help after getting his arm ripped out of its socket by Toxie. Someone give the brotha a hand!

- Don't help a blind girl home. Her hospitality will handicap you more than she is. Time to buy another cup...

- Some drug dealer got his noggin crushed by a weight machine. That's no way to get ahead in life!

THE FINAL HOWL
THE TOXIC AVENGER is a horribly made film that's actually a blast to watch. If you're into indie films, cult classics, and movies that have an offbeat sense of humor, this movie is for you. It's immature. It's fun. It's Troma. What more can I say except that THE TOXIC AVENGER is one of the best bad films ever made. Let's grab some mops and rid the world of filth - Monster Hero style!

The Ruins (2008)

DIRECTED BY
Carter Smith

STARRING
Jonathan Tucker - Jeff
Jena Malone - Amy
Laura Ramsey - Stacy
Shawn Ashmore - Eric
Joe Anderson - Mathias

Genre - Horror

Running Time - 90 Minutes

Score - 3.5 Howls Outta 4


THE RUINS is based from the best selling novel written by Scott Smith. On vacation in Mexico, two couples and college buddies Jeff (Jonathan Tucker), Amy (Jena Malone), Stacy (Laura Ramsey), and Eric (Shawn Ashmore) are having the time of their lives. They meet some German dude name Mathias (Joe Anderson), who tells the foursome that he is looking for his brother at some Mayan ruins nearby that don't seem to be on any tourist map. While this would spell danger for me, the foursome figure it would be fun to have an adventure. So they join Mathias and a Greek companion (Dimitri Baveas) on a ride to these ancient ruins. Since ignorance is bliss and no one believes in doing travel research anymore, the group doesn't realize that the ruins not only happens to be considered sacred by the Mayans, but they're evil as well. Once they step on the territory, they're confronted by naives with weapons who refuse to let them leave. The group is forced to survive without food or much water on top of the ruins for who knows how long. Unfortunately, that's the least of their problems since the plants surrounding the ruins seem to have a life of their own.

I never read the book for THE RUINS, but I gotta say that this film is one of the better horror films I've seen in 2008 so far. I was totally captivated by the events in the film, expecting a sort of torture porn flick but getting a moral, dramatic, and psychological horror film instead. THE RUINS isn't about killer plants that want to torment and eat people. Hell, it's barely a blip on the film's radar until the very end really. Instead on focusing on the plants, Carter Smith decides to focus on the characters and their moral decisions on how to survive as long as possible. After seeing so many horror films looking to impress viewers with as much blood splatter and horrible traps for so many years now, watching THE RUINS was a refreshing change of pace in mainstream horror.

I love the fact that most of the film takes place in daylight. We normally have dangerous things happen to people at night because it's dark, but to have it happen to people when the sun is out and you can see everything that's happening around you is quite unsettling. Director Carter Smith and his cinematographer Darius Kohndil visually give us a beautiful film that was mainly done with natural light. I couldn't imagine being on top of some tall ruins with that hot Mexican sun beaming down on me. It has to be torture. I also love that Smith doesn't cut away from any of the action. We see everything that occurs, especially the gore in the last half of the film. I have to say that I actually cringed and looked away at times because some of it was so graphic. Especially during that amputation scene, which just gave me shivers. And when one of the victims actually tries to cut the killer vines out of her own body desperately is such a disturbing sight. I felt so sorry for these characters, even though you don't know much about them, because I would never want to be in a situation like this.

Speaking of the characters, there isn't much character development in the story. We do know a little about them (like Jeff wants to be a doctor and Amy is an aspiring photographer) but not enough to connect with them on that sort of level. However, we do connect with them due to their actions and the situation they're in. Mainly because Carter Smith and Scott Smith focus more on their interactions and deteriorating relationships between each other rather than the actual terror sequences. I do think THE RUINS shows how ignorant Americans are of other cultures and how dependent we all are on technology. When the characters can't get a signal on their cell phones to call for help, it's like the end of the world for them. Then they begin to act like jerks or do the stupidest things. Yet it's hard to dislike them because when you're put in a similar situation, what would you do? Still, it shows that some of us do not have a grasp of reality. There is a world outside of technology. It's unfortunate some of us forgot what that world used to look like.

I did think the ending was a bit weak. It was kind of cliched, especially the ending on the Unrated DVD. I was expecting more out of it, I guess. Kind of disappointing, since I hate those "let's set up for a sequel" kind of endings.

Carter Smith directed a great film here. It's full of tension, suspense, and it builds up slowly. Like I said, the cinematography was beautiful and the editing was perfect. I totally bought into what I was watching. A very well made horror film that showcases its strengths extremely well.

The acting was also very good as well. Jonathan Tucker is one of young Hollywood's most underrated actors and he's believable as the standoff-ish Jeff. He pretty much makes himself the leader of the group probably because he feels he's the most educated and pretty much gets on the group's nerves. Tucker was more than capable in the role and took a stereotype that we see in these kind of films and fleshed him out a bit just through facial expressions and body language. Jena Malone was good as Amy. I was never really sure what he deal was with Jeff and Mathias, since she seemed to want both men. Plus she did some really stupid things at times. Yet Malone is a capable actress and did well in the role enough for me not to hate her. Laura Ramsey probably had the meatiest role as Stacy. Out of the core four Americans, Ramsey's character had the most ordeal to endure. I really enjoyed seeing Ramsey take her beautiful blonde character into a world of descent, paranoia, and delusion extremely well. Shawn Ashmore doesn't get much to do as Eric but he does what he can with the script. And Joe Anderson does more than he could with his short screen time as Mathias. He could have been the stereotypical evil foreign dude, but he's extremely likeable and you feel sorry for the crap he has to go through.

THE FINAL HOWL
THE RUINS will be on my "Best Horror Films of 2008" list. This film had me hooked from beginning to end due to its great direction, acting, and story. I do think the ending was a bit lame (someone told me what the book's ending was and I probably would have preferred that one) but the rest of the film is gold. It's just a shame this one was totally killed at the box office while that PROM NIGHT remake was a big success. Some people just have no taste in movies these days. THE RUINS is definitely worth a visit or two as far as I'm concerned.

The Signal (2008)

DIRECTED BY
David Bruckner [Transmission I: Crazy In Love]
Jacob Gentry [Transmission II: The Jealousy Monster]
Dan Bush [Transmission III: Escape From Terminus]

STARRING
Anessa Ramsey - Maya Denton
A.J. Bowen - Lewis Denton
Justin Welborn - Ben
Scott Poythress - Clark
Chad McKnight - Jim Parsons
Sahr Nguajah - Rod
Cheri Christian - Anna

Genre - Horror

Running Time - 98 Minutes

Score - 3.5 Howls Outta 4


THE SIGNAL is composed of three not-entirely-linear sections, called Transmissions, that give us different points of views of the main characters that lead to its conclusion. It's another "man vs. technology" type of film, but THE SIGNAL doesn't preach social commentary and tells a great story both narratively and visually.

In Transmission I: Crazy In Love, we get Maya's (Anessa Ramsey) point of view of the events. We learn Maya is a very unhappily married woman, as she has an affair with Ben (Justin Welborn). Ben tries to convince Maya into leaving her husband and meeting him at the Terminus 13 section of the bus station so they can go away together. Maya is tempted but decides to go home to her husband, Lewis (A.J. Bowen). After noticing some disruptive signal that Lewis watches closely on the television, Maya starts to see Lewis act very strangely around two of his friends. So strangely that Lewis becomes the epitome of anger, taking a baseball bat and bashing one of them in the head, killing him. Maya rushes out of the apartment, going to a neighbor's place and almost getting smuggled to death by her. She's saved by some deranged killer with shears, who's distracted enough not to kill Maya. Maya starts to realize that everyone in the apartment has gone insane and attempting to kill each other, due to weird signals coming from the television, radio, and cell phones. She attempts to leave town with Lewis' surviving friend Rod (Sahr Nguajah), but he's affected by the signal as well, causing their car to crash. Maya flees the scene without Rod, walking towards Terminus Station.

In Transmission II: The Jealousy Monster, we get Lewis' point of view. Lewis goes to Anna's (Cheri Christian) place in searching for Maya, but is confronted by a shocked Anna (who just murdered her crazy husband) and bumbling neighbor Clark (Scott Poytress). Confusion is all over this one, as Lewis believes Anna is Maya, Maya belives Clark is her dead husband, and Lewis believes Clark is Maya's lover, Ben. This is the funniest portion of the film.

In Transmission III: Escape From Terminus, we get Ben's point of view. After escaping Lewis' wrath (Lewis tried to kill him for sleeping with Maya), Ben (under the effects of the signal) along with Clark try to find Maya and escape Lewis, who is hunting after the both of them.

THE SIGNAL is an interesting little feature. It has that anthology vibe like in films such as CREEPSHOW and THE TWILIGHT ZONE: THE MOVIE, but it's non-linear structure plays out more like PULP FICTION, where the narrative zips back and forth in time so we see different point of views from the characters in the same scenes. Directed and written by three men, it's surprising how well the narrative and the feel of the film's visual styles merge into a great level of continuity. All three Transmissions compliment each other extremely well, even with their different levels of tone and feel.

The first Transmission is the most horrorcentric of the three. It introduces the love triangle and the signal that sets up the rest of the film. It's also probably the most violent portion of the film, as we watch people start to go crazy and kill people for an unexplained reason (we never do learn what the signal is or why it does what it does - which I happened to like alot). It's very suspenseful and brutal to watch, creating a moody edge-of-your-seat vibe that reminded me of a zombie flick. David Bruckner directed and wrote a very powerful and effective opening segment that made me want to watch the rest of the film.

The second Transmission is the comedy portion of the film. It's more dark comedy than "ha ha" funny. Instead of being terrified by the events, we see them in a more humorous point of view, to the point where we kind of see how silly the whole thing could turn out. I mean, when you see a traumatized wife talking to her dead husband (that she murdered by the way) as if he's still alive and still attempting to keep her promise of a party, you know the film's tone has totally changed. It took a while to adjust to the more comical feel, but when I did, I found the second section to be pretty funny. It was almost like a sitcom, where misunderstandings took precedence and they led to nothing but confusion and chaos. Jacob Gentry loves his kooky characters and situations and he showcases them well. I did feel that this section of the film did feel out of place with the first and third sections being more serious, but I liked it.

The third Transmission by Justin Welborn was pretty much a mash-up of the horror of Transmission 1 and the comedy of Transmission 2. I thought Welborn combined the two styles pretty well, especially during that scene where Clark talks to Rod's decapitated head to get information about Maya's whereabouts. Pretty cool scene there. I also liked the ending as well. It's neither happy or bleak in my opinion, but it gives the viewer enough hope that maybe things will be okay.

The acting was equally great. Anessa Ramsey had a presence about her that I liked. She was very intense and likeable, even though she played an adulteress. We never really learn why she cheats on Lewis but it doesn't really matter. A.J. Bowen was awesome as Lewis. He was a crazy motherfucker but he was still very likeable at the same time. He carried the role like a champ. He was the MVP of THE SIGNAL. Justin Welborn was very good as Ben. I definitely sympathized with him as he was very believable in his struggle to find Maya and stop Lewis from killing him or anyone else. Scott Poythress was funny as Clark. He looked like a goofball and played a great one as well.

THE FINAL HOWL
THE SIGNAL proves that the indie scene still knows what great horror is. Part horror, part comedy, part social commentary, THE SIGNAL hits most of the right spots. The pacing was a bit off, especially going straight into a comic feel right after a brutal and intense beginning, but THE SIGNAL is definitely worth your time. If you're tired of watching remakes and crappy sequels that mainstream audiences are forced to get shoved down their throats, THE SIGNAL is for you.

Never Back Down (2008)

DIRECTED BY
Jeff Wadlow

STARRING
Sean Faris - Jake Tyler
Djimon Hounsou - Jean Roqua
Cam Gigandet - Ryan McCarthy
Amber Heard - Baja Miller
Evan Peters - Max Cooperman
Leslie Hope - Margot Tyler
Wyatt Smith - Charlie Tyler

Genre - Action/Drama/Teen

Running Time - 106 Minutes

Score - 3 Howls Outta 4


NEVER BACK DOWN is pretty much a remake of THE KARATE KID with elements of BLOODSPORT and FIGHT CLUB added in. Jake Tyler (Sean Faris) is a great football star with a lot of pent up anger. This stems from surviving a car accident where his drunk dad crashed a car into a telephone pole, killing him. Feeling guilty over letting his father drive drunk, Jake takes it out by fighting and getting into trouble. Pretty much frustrated with Jake and seeing better opportunities for Jake's younger brother Charlie (Wyatt Smith), Margot Tyler (Leslie Hope) decides to move with Jake and Charlie to Orlando, Florida so Charlie can attend some big shot tennis school.

Once in Orlando, Jake enters his new school already a celebrity due to one of his fights being posted all over the web, including YouTube. Some MMA (Mixed Martial Arts) wannabe named Ryan McCarthy (Cam Gigandet) learns that Jake is now a student at his school, he manipulates his girlfriend Baja (Amber Heard) to befriend Jake to lure him to a party at Ryan's house. Ryan pretty much manipulates Jake into fight him by bringing up Jake's late father, but Jake gets the crap beaten out of him to boost Ryan's ego. Wanting revenge, Jake finds a trainer with amateur filmmaker and Jake's new best friend Max Cooperman (Evan Peters) help. Max introduces Jake to Jean Rocqua (Djimon Hounsou), who also has his own personal issues and uses MMA training to release his own anger. Forcing Jake to never fight outside of his gym, Jean decides to train Jake in MMA. But with Ryan constantly wanting to prove a point to Jake that he's better than him by hurting his friends, can Jake conquer his demons or will he have to break his promise and fight Ryan one more time?

NEVER BACK DOWN is a ridiculous, generic, extremely predictable, and pretty straight forward flick. Like I said, it pretty much takes the story of THE KARATE KID but modernizes it with the internet, a prettier cast, a black man instead of an Asian, and an MMA focus. This is the kind of film that sounds really pointless on paper and as a matter of fact, all of us could survive without seeing NEVER BACK DOWN. Surprisingly, I found myself rather taken by this stupid film because underneath the gloss, the MTV rock music, and the buff bodies - there was a cheesy 80s film peeking its head out and I love me some cheesy 80s flicks.

NEVER BACK DOWN was one entertaining flick from top to bottom, even when you know how it's all gonna go. The story is pretty simple: angry kid moves to new town, gets confronted by another angry kid with a big ego that bullies him, angry kid decides to train himself to stop the bullying, angry kid and the angry kid with a big ego fight at the end, and surprisingly (note: sarcasm) the angry kid wins the glory and the girl. Hell, I can hear Peter Cetera singing "Glory of Love" in my head as I just typed this. Sure, I'd love to see something remotely original, but if something unoriginal is done right and takes advantage of knowing exactly what it is, then I really don't have an issue. NEVER BACK DOWN uses every cliche and montage sequence and uses them well. Yeah, I pretty much called everything that happened in this film but I had fun doing so.

The MMA stuff was a nice touch. It's extremely popular right now, with the UFC and Pride being big sporting events and making celebrities out of the fighters. NEVER BACK DOWN isn't gonna substitute the UFC any time soon, but at least I got to see some training montages and some decently choregraphed fights. They could have been better and some of them, especially the final confrontation, was over the top and ridiculous. I mean, slamming people on concrete and into cars should have shattered some spinal discs or broken some necks. But they were fun to watch. Speaking of the final fight, it was remarkingly similar to how STEP UP 2: THE STREETS ended in structure and tone. I guess it comes to show that dancing and fighting are pretty much one and the same. I'm hoping Mike Tyson joins the new cast of Dancing With The Stars and knocks out Cheryl Burke or something.

I did have a big beef with the film and that was in the form of its message. Apparently NEVER BACK DOWN wanted to address its viewers on how fighting isn't the solution to our problems. Yet, how do the characters solve their problems?

BY KICKING ASS!!

Yeah, great way to stick with your message. Remember, give peace a chance...by crushing some skulls with your feet and fists.

I also disliked the ending too, which pretty much wrapped everything up in a nice little bow. Even our two rivals were chummy chummy after all the bullshit they did to each other throughout the film. A dude takes your girl and beats you in a fight that's seen by the entire school class, and you're gonna be friends with him all of a sudden? I call BULLSHIT. That dude would have to be wheeled in a chair while eating through a tube at the ten year High School reunion. Ridiculous.

I thought the direction by Jeff Wadlow was kind of cool. It was definitely made for MTV and The Hills generation, but I still dug it. The slow motion during the big hits during the fights and the editing was nicely done. Some shaky cam at work here, which fit well with the whole YouTube context that ran through this film. The fights were decently shot. The film looked absolutely beautiful. And I loved the cheesy montages over the rock music. Hell, even Kanye West's "Stronger" was in the film. If that doesn't spell "I'm desperately trying to present a hip film", I don't know what will.

The acting was also surprisingly good for this type of film. Sean Faris was very good as protagonist Jake Tyler. He looks like a young Tom Cruise (only taller and buffer), but doesn't really have his presence or half his charisma. But Faris is still a very good actor who gave a convincing performance. I'm not sure if this film will send the guy into the stratusphere or anything, but after starring in two failed shows (Life As We Know It and Reunion), it's a good start. I would like to see the guy in a better flick.

Djimon Honsou was the best actor here, unsurprisingly, as the Mr. Miyagi character of the film. I'm surprised he starred in this film after starring in way better films like AMISTAD and BLOOD DIAMOND, but I guess the film needed star power. Still, Honsou has great chemistry with Faris and does a good job playing his mentor. I do feel this film is beneath him though.

The rest of the cast was okay as well. Cam Gigandet likes to smile alot and act tough like he's playing the Brad Pitt character in FIGHT CLUB. I thought he was okay, but he's no different from the character he played on The O.C. He does have a look that makes me want to kick him in the balls though. So I guess the villain thing did work. Amber Heard was hot as the girlfriend, Baja. Nothing more, nothing less. And Evan Peters was good as the dorky Max. I'm surprised the cast convinced me as much as they did in this flick. They made a very mediocre film into a watchable one.

THE FINAL HOWL
I may get some flack for giving NEVER BACK DOWN the score I gave it. But I honestly was not expecting much out of this film and was surprised how much I ended up liking it. Yeah, it's a pretty bad flick but it's entertaining and the cast and the director try really hard into making this a serious film about teenage FIGHT CLUB. I say if you want to see metrosexual and shirtless muscular men bear hug each other (in a manly way of course) while reciting generic dialogue and performing every cliche in the book, NEVER BACK DOWN is for you. Hey, it may entertain you like it did for me. A bad film that's actually good - who knew they still make those these days?