The WTF? Worst Films Extravaganza Presents: Steel Trap (2008)

DIRECTED BY
Luis Camara

STARRING
Georgia Mackenzie - Kathy
Mark Wilson - Wade
Pascal Langdale - Robert
Julia Ballard - Nicole
Joanna Bobin - Pamela
Annabelle Wallis - Melanie
Adam Rayner - Adam

Genre - Horror/Slasher

Running Time - 93 Minutes

Score - 0.5 Howls Outta 4


Imagine being at a party in some abandoned building, hoping to score and be entertained by your surroundings. Unfortunately, you only find boredom instead until you receive a text message about a get together at a vecinity nearby. You figure what the hell and see what the big hoopla is about. You arrive at the location, realizing other people are already there, wondering what's the deal. The host of this party mysteriously leaves you hints in the form of riddles, reminding you of BATMAN FOREVER. Not a good sign. You follow these hints, to which leads you to a corpse dressed like a pig. This reminds you of Miss Piggy, which in turn reminds you of Kermit The Frog, which in turn again reminds you of that film FROGS. Not a good sign. Realizing that you may be next, you learn a killer is on your tail like in the last slasher flick you watched: GRADUATION DAY. Jesus Christ. Man, has this party gone to shit or what?

"Shit" is an appropriate description for Dimension EXTREME Films' recent release, STEEL TRAP. Now you must be asking yourself, "How does a film with a DVD cover of some hot chick stuck in a small area with buzzsaws around her ready to grind her into bits be so bad?" That's easy to answer because there's no such scene in the film. Hell, there's none even close to what the cover is promoting. It's called "false advertising", folks.

The Wolf HATES "false advertising".

And The Wolf dislikes STEEL TRAP more, which is nothing but a dull slasher flick passing itself off as a SAW II wannabe. STEEL TRAP, eh? STEEL CRAP is more like it!

PLOT
At some very elaborate and expensive New Year's party for rich people who are in the entertainment business, a group of unlikeable idiots who all deserve to suffer worse fates than they suffered in this very film are given mysterious text messages to what promises to be a better party than the one they are at. These nimrods find themselves in some abandoned floor of a really tall building, presented with food, decorations, and clues by a mysterious host that appears to be the beginning of a treasure hunt. Fun, huh?

Not really. My last treasure hunt led me to this piece of celluoid excrement. Fuck treasure hunts!

Anyway, they play along thinking it's a fun time until they encounter a decapitated pig's head that reveals the next clue. Since no one likes to see a dead pig unless it's processed into bacon or pork chops, these morons realize that this isn't the game of a sane person. Eventually, each person is killed - unknowing that they all have a connection with the killer - and the victims must leave the fun behind to work on their very survival. If my New Year's Resolution comes true, they won't survive. Bastards.

REVIEW
I have three words for STEEL TRAP:

WHAT THE FUCK!?

STEEL TRAP is nothing but a really lame version of a splatter film. Shot in Germany, the film looks polished but everything else still has that messy grime bringing it down. It's like taking what was good about SAW and adding the most generic cliches from 80s slasher flicks in its place. Dimension Studios claim that this is an EXTREME film. They're right. It's EXTREMELY boring. It's EXTREMELY time wasting. And it's EXTREMELY one of the worst horror films I've seen in 2008, let alone any film of 2008.

Where do I start with this excrement? Let's begin with the killer of the film.

He/she is silent.

He/she likes to walk alot.

He/she prefers a single weapon.

He/she wears a mask and a dark outfit to stalk his prey.

He/she has the ability to be everywhere at once.

He/she can't be reasoned with and doesn't know when to give up.

Wow, I've never seen a horror movie villain described in such a way before! Who said originality was dead? Seriously, this person is as intimidating as Perez Hilton in a fight. And the outfit this killer wears...wow, I thought the fencer in GRADUATION DAY looked ridiculous! But this serial killer has a look all its own. Imagine looking at the Silver Surfer wearing the ninja outfit the killer wore in the original PROM NIGHT, with sparkly gloves and a hook weapon that was stolen straight from Ben Willis of I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER fame. Oh man...I'm so afraid for my life...

The story is no better. Take what SAW II did with the victims inside the house and suck out everything that was watchable and entertaining from that film. Then add in your generic slasher film plot that leads to a twist ending that was taken from SCREAM but without an ounce of sense. The story was already weak at the beginning but it amazed me at how quickly it deteriorated within moments into the running time of the film. And the twist ending is just ridiculous because it was never built up nor was the killer's identity even a blip on the film's radar before the revelation occurs. I was like going, "You've got to be shittin' me," because it made no sense. It's all exposition and we're never shown as to how the ending could come to be. Who the fuck is gonna care about a resolution that has no foundation? I sure don't!

And whoever wrote the screenplay [I believe that was director Luis Camara himself] needs to go back to college and retake screenwriting courses. The format is all screwed up and the dialogue is just horrible. I know slasher flicks aren't known for their brilliant screenplays, but most of them are Oscar worthy over STEEL TRAP's script. The pacing is pretty off here, as the middle section of the film is mainly the surviving victims walking around looking for a place to escape without much dialogue, tension, or suspense occuring. BORING!!

The dialogue is just absurd. I honestly couldn't believe some of the things these characters said. Here's some examples of the brilliant words you can hear in STEEL TRAP:

(Robert and Nicole are trying to call 911 after finding a dead victim. But the two can't get a signal.)

Nicole: "Signal blocked? What does that mean?"
Robert: "It means someone blocked the signal."

Man, thanks for clearing that up! I would have never figured that out!

(Melanie and Robert are arguing with each other.)

Melanie: "You're a dick!"
Robert: "Sticks and stones. Sticks and stones."

Ooooh, Robert's the comeback king! Don't diss this dude!

There's also some dialogue where Nicole is pretty much accusing Robert of helping the killer take them out [since the killer had a knife to Robert's throat but surprisingly just let him go to warn the others]. Let's just say that she's pretty much saying he's an accomplice, to which Robert replies:

Robert: "What are you trying to say?"
Nicole: "I don't know what I'm saying."

YES YOU DO! YOU JUST TOLD YOUR FIANCE THAT HE'S A KILLER, YOU STUPID BITCH!!

And there's literally a 3-minute conversation about finding a teddy bear at the end of the treasure hunt, where the group argues whether it should be big, small, or none of the above, hoping for a doll instead. These are like thirty-somethings debating about teddy bears. Who the fuck talks about this shit?

And the characters are no better. I was expecting stereotypes that we see in most of these horror flicks. Instead, they're all one personality: asshole. They're all jerks. They're all idiots. They're all unlikeable to the point where you want them to die horrifically. And when they don't drop fast enough, you get frustrated because they start getting on your damn nerves.

We have Kathy, who is the Rachael Ray of the film as she hosts some kind of food show. Her menu is pretty bizarre by the end of the film, making me wonder what the hell is she really adding some E.V.O.O. on in the kitchen.

We have Wade, who I think is a musician but would rather have women playing his flute.

Robert is the lawyer of the group. He needs anger management and only cares about himself. His fiance is missing towards the end and would rather she die than bother saving her. Great guy.

Nicole is Robert's fiance. She's also a self-help columnist for some newspaper. That's pretty funny because she can't even help herself and let's EVERYONE know it. Groomed as the "final girl", she does nothing but whine and bitch to the point where you just want to pull out your dick and shove it in her mouth so she can shut up. She does display some intelligence though, but not enough when she hides from a killer, breathes really loud, and then walks away from the hiding spot with high heels just so the killer can find her and trap her. Yeah, I want this bimbo to live.

Pamela is some kind of TV executive who can't seem to stop talking and has no problem kissing ass to make money. Very annoying.

Melanie is the slut of the group. And she's very proud of it too. She's not into dating guys. She just wants to have sex with them. A walking STD epidemic if I ever saw one.

And Adam is the male slut of the group, kissing random women who have boyfriends and a total coke snorter. Hey man, Amy Winehouse is looking for her stash! Give it back!

None of these characters are remotely interesting or developed at all. They're adults and act like teenagers at a Hannah Montana concert. You'll want to see them dead by the end of this crap. I guess some people will enjoy that, but I'd prefer to root for the victims every once in a while.

STEEL TRAP is also probably the tamest of the Dimension EXTREME films. When I see the word EXTREME, I'm expecting a bucket of blood, gore, and guts flash on my TV screen, making me giddy. You don't get that here. There is blood splatter and you do get shots of an axe to the face and someone getting their throat cut, but everything else happens off screen. There's even a part where someone gets their beating heart sawed out from their chest, yet it's shot in a way where you don't see the action taking place. Pretty lame. Plus we get a CARRIE homage where Melanie gets "pig" blood dumped all over her. It just made me wish that Sissy Spacek would appear so she could burn them all for laughing at her. Now CARRIE...that's a great fuckin' movie.

The direction by Luis Camara is as dull as the film itself. It's your typical "point and shoot" filmmaking. There's no visual style here at all. No quick cuts. No shaky cam. It's really restrained and very unenergenic. This is the kind of film where you would want some visual flair since the script sucks. Having a bit of energy and style that makes situations pop out a bit more would have benefited the film a great deal. But it's like Camara didn't give a shit while filming this. He obviously didn't give a shit when he wrote the script. At least he's consistent. The film does look nice though, so it gets props for that.

The acting is atrocious. Nobody in this film stands out at all [well maybe Georgia Mackenzie towards the end], as none of the actors have the ability to recite lines of dialogue convincingly. They're very stiff in their line delivery and their moments of acting scared are laughingly bad. Hopefully these no-name actors remain no names because they don't deserve any more than that. Acting Workshop 101, anyone?

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE DECLINING INVITATIONS FOR THIS YEAR'S NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY

- Some bad rock band sang a "cool" version of "Auld Lang Syne". If this is how the new year starts, I expect suicide rates to increase. And copies of this DVD to be broken.

- Melanie told Wade that she thinks about falling from tall heights and imagining her body parts splattering all over the place. See what I mean about the above statement?

- If you offer a chick drugs, she'll automatically blow you. I'm not sure if this applies to all women or just coke whores. But I'm willing to take the risk for a quick B.J.!

- Nicole jumped up and down when the killer presented her with a treasure hunt. I hope the treasure is at the edge of a cliff and the killer is a bit pushy in getting the game going.

- Don't smoke inside an abandoned building. You can get hooked to it. Or get hooked by a killer. Whichever one comes first, I guess.

- Robert had a nursery rhyme for the killer: "Fuck off!" That really isn't acceptable for children to hear. Plus it doesn't rhyme. EPIC FAIL.

- Don't ever be called Two-Face. Either half your face will be burnt or you'll get a splitting headache courtesy of an axe. Neither one is pleasant.

- The killer likes to shoot arrows at his victims. If you're auditioning for the role of Hawkeye in the upcoming THE AVENGERS movie, bro...this isn't the film to do it in.

- The killer sawed out the beating heart out of one of his victims. Talk about a heartless motherfucker!

- Don't listen to anyone who tells you that inner beauty is most important. They're probably bullied kids from the past wanting revenge. Or unbelievably ugly. Either way, it's all a lie.

THE FINAL HOWL
STEEL CRAP, I mean STEEL TRAP, is a waste of time for anyone who's interested. Don't be fooled by the cool DVD cover. It's by far the best part of the film, as the actual film itself is as generic, dull, and disappointing as they come. Besides the cinematography and the decent amount of blood, the only other positive thing that comes out of this film is that it ends. A totally forgettable film that will no doubt be on my "Worst Horror Films of 2008" list by the end of the year. This STEEL TRAP is totally rusted.