Pocahauntus (2006)

DIRECTED BY
Veronica Craven

STARRING
Lisa Allen - Dr. Beth Anigav
Stephanie Basco - Pocahauntus
Julia Bindi - Ginger Sinclaire
Eliza Swenson - Destiny Moonbeam
Kate Melia - Alexis Finney
Cory Knauf - Jimmy Finch
Barry J. Ratcliffe - 'Bear' Teddy Ray Buford
Molly Celaschi - Angry Girlfriend

Genre - Horror/Slasher

Running Time - 88 Minutes

Score - 1.5 Howls Outta 4


PLOT - In POCAHAUNTUS, we learn that the legendary love story between Indian Princess Pocahontas (Stephanie Basco) and Englishman John Smith was made up by The MAN in order to sell the story for book and movie rights [cha-ching!]. We learn that in reality, Pocahontas was bitter at her marriage to Smith, vowing supernatural revenge on those who killed her tribe and took their land - proving to haunt some Virginia woods every 100 years or so to kill any of those settlers' descendants.

Recently, some greedy and perverted landowner (Barry J. Ratcliffe) has bought Pocahontas' former land and decided to open it for campers. These include a gynecologist (Lisa Allen), a porn star (Julia Bindi), some tree-hugging lesbian hippie (Eliza Swenson), a drunk celebutard (Kate Melia), and a pot-smoking surfer (Cory Knauf) with a bitchy girlfriend (Molly Celaschi). Two deputies keep appearing at the site to make sure nothing goes on but are persuaded not to discuss the legend of Pocahontas. Unfortunately, Pocahontas has returned and starts killing the campers off one by one in the least exciting ways possible. No wonder so many Native Americans drink.

REVIEW

STORY - What story? It's pretty much a FRIDAY THE 13TH ripoff with horny adults at camp instead of horny teenagers at camp. And replace Jason Voorhees with Pocahontas. Yeah, that'll ruffle anyone's feathers. I guess Ratcliffe and Craven were trying to go for some sort of sex horror-comedy or something. Yeah, I guess I didn't get the memo because nothing about this film was sexy, horrifying, or funny. Hell, there's like one nude chick in the whole film and she wasn't even anything to talk about. And the dialogue? Really awful to the point where I actually amazed myself by sitting through this film in one sitting. At least the characters are stereotypical idiots that deserve to die like in the old slasher days where this was commonplace. But when the best thing you can come up with is Dr. Beth Anigav [spell her last name backwards - oh, how fuckin' clever!] for the gynecologist character, there's a problem. I won't even mention Mangina. Ew. I did like the concept of the film though. I just wish the story actually did it justice. Sigh.

DIRECTION - Veronica Craven didn't do a great job I gotta say. She couldn't handle the actors since their lines seemed forced. The pacing was okay and the editing was decent. I wish there was more suspense or tension, but there's barely any here. The biggest crime for me was that Pocahontas was shown BEFORE she actually killed someone! Yeah, I know she's the killer but you could have at least kept her out of the frame before any action took place! I will say that the camera work was quite good and the film looked more expensive than it probably was. That's quite impressive for a low-budgeted film like this.

VIOLENCE/SEX/LANGUAGE [aka THE GOOD STUFF] - We get the standard slasher stuff: slit throats, darts to the neck, bashing in the head, eyes getting gouged out and stabbings galore. Nothing really gory here. Same with the sex, which is just one tattooed chick who's nude. That's it. We get some lesbianism and sexual innuendos [everyone is HORNY in this film] but we don't get to see much action going on. And we get the usual language in a horror film.

ACTING - The acting was pretty bad here. No one seemed convincing in their roles but at least they looked like they were having fun working on this film. Because of that, I found the actors sort of infectious. Yeah they sucked but you can never hate actors who love what they do. Besides, I never expect actors in low-budget horror flicks to be all that great anyway. So since it met my expectations, I can't complain too much here. The one who played the bitchy girlfriend was actually decent though. Too bad I don't remember her name...

MUSIC - Honestly? I can't remember a damn thing about the soundtrack here. That's not a good sign.

THE FINAL HOWL
POCAHAUNTUS doesn't really advertise what it's selling. But it didn't drive me to suicide, so it gets saved from the WTF? Vault [barely]. But I would never watch this again and I won't recommend people to watch it either. Unless you want to see Native Americans get revenge on the white people for taking their land in some of the lamest ways possible, then be my guest. POCAHAUNTUS sucks out the "Colors of the Wind" when it comes to the story of Pocahontas.