Bikini Bloodbath (2007)

DIRECTED BY
Jonathan Gorman
Thomas Edward Seymour

STARRING
Debbie Rochon - Miss Johnson
Thomas Edward Seymour - Phil
Russ Russo - Mike M.
Leah Ford - Jenny
Margaret Rose Champagne - Eve
Carmine Capobianco - Coach Smith
Robert Cosgrove Jr. - The Chef
Dana Fay Ensalata - Pam
Anna-Karin Eskilsson - Sharon
Olja Hrustic - Ginger

Genre - Horror/Slasher

Running Time - 72 Minutes

Score - 1.5 Howls Outta 4


PLOT - BIKINI BLOODBATH is about a girl named Jenny (Leah Ford) and her busty High School friends who decide to have a party at Jenny's house since her parents are away. After a game of volleyball, picking on some awkward girl, and clawing off their horny lesbian gym teacher, Miss Johnson (Debbie Rochon), the girls decide to head to Jenny's to talk about boys, play Twister, and flaunt their bazongas for us to drool over. The party gets more interesting as some football players [they have "FOOTBALL PLAYER" written on their white shirts - that's how I know they play football] decide to drop by. Things go okay until some serial killer named Chef Death (Robert Cosgrove Jr.) decides to invite himself and his cleaver to do some damage and kill some stupid teens. And I use the word "stupid" very loosely here. What will these boneheads do to stop Chef Death?

REVIEW

STORY - I guess BIKINI BLOODBATH is supposed to be a spoof or a satire on slasher flicks. It's extremely cheesy. The dialogue is badly written. The characters are just too mentally challenged for words [they made alcoholic drinks knowing the killer was in the house - HUH?]. I couldn't even root for anyone here. Not even the killer! The football players wear "FOOTBALL PLAYER" on their shirts, while the gym teacher and football coach had "GYM TEACHER" and "FOOTBALL COACH" on their shirts respectively. Chef Death is barely a presence. Hell, I had no idea who this dude was and why people just walked by him in this neighborhood when he was covered in blood and had a sharp weapon in his hand. I suppose BIKINI BLOODBATH is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek and be silly with the entire premise. But after the first twenty minutes, the cheesiness of the film just became totally mundane and extremely annoying to watch. Sure, I love looking at nice breasts any chance I get. But soon, all of them just start to look the same if there's nothing interesting behind the show. When jokes start to fall flat [that DAZED AND CONFUSED moment just made me roll my eyes but the CITIZEN KANE one was pretty funny], characters start to make you want to pull your hair out, and there's no horror at all in this film, there's not much here. Compensating a horrible script with a bunch of boobs only works in porn. When I watch a horror flick, I want to see characters that at least have a drop of personality and actually make me feel something towards them. At least I did laugh at some things and there seemed to be a sign of a beginning, a middle, and an end to BIKINI BLOODBATH [although that ending was seven minutes too long - geez!]. It's still a pretty weak script though, but I'm not sure if that was intentional. Is that even an excuse?

DIRECTION - Thomas Edward Seymour and Jonathan Gorman didn't really do much visually for me. It was your typical point and shoot fest here, with the POV of the killer intact and decent editing to compensate the lack of a budget the two had for this flick. At least the film looked nice. As a B-movie, I guess the two succeeded somewhat. But as a horror flick, they totally failed. No tension. No suspense. Just boobs and more boobs. My boner thanks you, but my brain is very sad right now.

VIOLENCE/SEX/LANGUAGE [aka THE GOOD STUFF] - We get some low budget horror violence here. That means we get the usual slit throat, stabbings, and death by a rake. Nothing too gory here at all. The language is also pretty usual for this type of film. Decent amount of cussing here and there so BIKINI BLOODBATH could look "cool". As for the sex, we get tons of T & A here. And I can't complain about it one bit. Very very nice. We also get a ton of homoeroticism amongst the football players, who like to caress each other, playing Twister, and do anything but take each other's clothes and molest each other. Plus some football player had a big boner in his boxers for like two minutes straight. So I guess there's something for everybody.

ACTING - Really bad here. But that was the point really. And the cast looked like they were having fun. And I rather see bad actors have fun on camera than great actors go through the motions for a paycheck. So while annoying, at least they were sort of charming to watch.

MUSIC - They are some cover versions of Kenny Loggins' "Footloose", Aerosmith's "Walk This Way", and some cross dressing band named White Liger. Yeah, it was alright for what it was.

THE FINAL HOWL
I knew BIKINI BLOODBATH wasn't gonna be good and that's exactly what I got here. I don't mind low-budget horror flicks that want to parody their big-budget counterparts. But when all you got is a ton of breasts and homosexual jokes and not much else, what is the point? Oh yeah - to promote the sequel, BIKINI BLOODBATH CARWASH. Apparently BIKINI BLOODBATH is the start of a new franchise. Boy, I can't wait...