The WTF? Worst Films Extravaganza Presents: Don't Go In The Woods...Alone! (1981)

DIRECTED BY
James Bryan

STARRING
Jack McClelland - Peter
Mary Gail Artz - Ingrid
James P. Hayden - Craig
Angie Brown - Joanie
Ken Carter - Sheriff
David Barth - Deputy Benson
Tom Drury - Maniac

Genre - Horror/Slasher/Comedy

Running Time - 82 Minutes

Score - BOMB


If there's one command that strikes fear in the hearts of horror fans, it's "Don't".

- DON'T ANSWER THE PHONE!

- DON'T GO NEAR THE PARK!

- DON'T TORTURE A DUCKLING!

- DON'T LOOK NOW!

- DON'T BE STICKING THAT FLESH-COLORED THING IN THERE WHEN YOU KNOW IT'S EXIT ONLY!

Okay, so the last one is totally fake. But when I do make that horror-porn classic, it'll be a whole lot better than the abysmal and potential excuse for suicide, DON'T GO IN THE WOODS...ALONE! Why anyone would want to go into these woods alone or with anyone else is beyond my comprehension. Hell, Smokey The Bear would understand if this patch of trees suffered by fire. So let's light a match and see why DON'T GO IN THE WOODS...ALONE! doesn't deserve anyone's time.

PLOT
Four hikers, including Zac Efron and Ron Howard, head into---

Wait, the two masculine hikers were actually women?? Are you sure?? ...Really? Wow...

Okay, let's start over. Four hikers (Jack McClelland, James P. Hayden, Angie "Not Zac Efron" Brown, and Mary Gail "Not Ron Howard" Artz) head into a patch of woods for absolutely no reason. And if there was a reason, I didn't give a shit. Apparently, one of the hikers tells the others to DON'T GO IN THE WOODS...ALONE! and no one understands why, including the hiker warning them. Talk about the blind leading the blind, deaf, and dumb!

Anyway, there's some mountain man dressed like Fred Flintstone in his Loyal Order of the Water Buffalo gear (Tom Drury) laughing and killing people. Apparently he was raised by Mother Nature, who did a lovely job in telling him that it's okay to murder random people for their food, clothes, and whatever they may be carrying into the region. While this guy is stabbing rollerbladers [?], painters, annoying wives, and a guy in a wheelchair [!?], the hikers try to survive from this madman.

Well, I think that is what happens. I wish I could tell you for sure, but I was watching porn on the computer for 80 minutes of its 82 minute running time. Oh Jenna...

REVIEW
I have three words for DON'T GO IN THE WOODS...ALONE!:

WHAT THE FUCK!?

Seriously, DON'T GO IN THE WOODS...ALONE! has got to be one of the worst slasher films I have EVER had the "pleasure" of sitting down and watching. I knew this was a shitty flick from many of my reviewer friends out there, but as a proud masochist for shit like this, I just had to watch it. And to be honest with you, I'm actually regretting that decision. It took me EIGHT sittings to watch this from beginning to end. I could only take about 10 minutes for sitting before I felt my brain cells cry out in pain before dying at the stupidity I put myself through for watching this piece of 80s crap!

I wish I could comment on the plot and story here, but it's impossible when you've given jack shit. Honestly, I'm at a loss for words here! Other than a doofy looking killer doing his thing - awfully I must add - what is there to say?

The characters? The four hikers aren't developed at all and are all annoying and/or dull in their own way. The killer just laughs and roams around. The police officers are a bunch of clowns. And then random characters just show up for like a minute or two, act weird, and then get killed. It's like, "Who are these people and what other function do they have in this film other than be lambs to the lame slaughter?" I will say that these characters are honestly the more entertaining ones, because they're just so bizarre in terms with the rest of the film.

Seriously, who in the fuck roller skates through the woods!? If you're not Tootie, Olivia Newton-John, or that one dude in Michael Jackson's "Bad" video, take off the skates and WALK!

What about that photographer dude and his annoying wife? They wanted to take a photo of a train. A train IN the woods! Am I missing something?

And the painter lady and her baby daughter, who leaves the baby hanging by a tree feet away so she can paint the landscape - oh wait...she wasn't painting the landscape. She was painting a house in the suburbs!! Look, art is subjective - but this bitch is just loopy. At least the killer made the painting better by adding more red to it.

And don't get me started on the wheelchair guy. I really wanted to feel bad for this guy. I really did. Rolling in his cheer all alone in the woods, trying to enjoy nature. Then he hits a bump on the road and falls out of his chair. But like a trooper, he gets back in that chair and rolls right into a machete blade that decapitates him. Like I said, I wanted to feel bad for him. But I don't have sympathy for any idiot who thinks it's safe to wheel their way through the woods...alone.

The dialogue is also atrocious in every way. There's no amount of depth here and the way they're recited is even worse. And it's obvious this film was dubbed with the weirdest voices with the weirdest accents, where words are accented in the wrong places. It's one of those things you have to see and hear to really "appreciate" how awful it all is.

The soundtrack to DON'T GO IN THE WOODS... sigh. This film would have greatly benefited in the Silent Era of Cinema because the "music" here is Godawful! The majority of the soundtrack seems to involve a two-year-old pressing the keys of a Casio keyboard out of tune. And then the killer's theme sounds like someone dribbling a basketball really badly. I just had to laugh everytime this theme appeared - and it appears quite a lot! And the end credits theme set to the tune of "The Teddy Bears Picnic" that has lyrics like "Don't go into the woods, you'll probably be killed," really end the film on an upbeat note.

(rolls eyes)

The gore in this film is pretty meh. We get blood here and there and the killer does impale people with his spear thing. But nothing too graphic here except for maybe a head getting cut off [wheelchair dude]. I will say that I will never go into killer woods ever again, because if I'm thrown off a cliff by a guy dressed like a wooly mammoth, my body will never be found by the frockling couple a foot away. Seriously...they didn't see a body fall from above or even hear the thud when that same body hit the rocks right next to them? Why am I even trying to make logic out of this stupid movie? My brain hurts...

The direction by James Bryan is horrible. No tension. No suspense. The editing is very choppy to the point where we don't even know some of the time how the victims even get killed. There is just no cohesion here at all. Bryan apparently intended this to be a comedy more than a horror film. Well it's comedic for all the wrong reasons and horrific because it's badly made. So if that was Bryan's goal, he gets a gold star.

The acting is horrible in every way. No one stands out at all. Jack McClelland had the weirdest accent I've ever heard. And his scene where he accidentally stabs some hiker, in which he proclaims, "I'M SO SORRY! I'M SO SORRY!" like a bitch did make me laugh at how bad it was. No one else is worth mentioning, except for some lady in a van who kept pleading for her boyfriend/husband not to go in such a way that she didn't die fast enough for me. I just can't believe I actually managed to watch this from beginning to end. I really can't.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE...WAIT, DID I ACTUALLY LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS?

- Some girl running through the woods tripped in a river, where the water turned red around her lower region. Either the killer stabbed her offscreen, or her Yaz pill supplements are working TOO well. Where's Amy Irving, PJ Soles, and Nancy Allen to help her "plug it up"?

- Don't ever walk in a region where trees begin to move on their own. It may cost you an arm and possibly a leg. Literally.

- Three rules to stay safe in a forest:
1. Don't panic.
2. Go up, not down.
3. Don't go into the woods...alone.

Yep, always wear a raincoat when entering a forest. You never know when it'll get wet and the unwanted seeds begin to grow.

- Dale's annoying wife kept whining to him over leaving her alone. The killer didn't Chip away at her useless carcass fast enough as far as I'm concerned.

- Dick and Cheri's conversation had subjects about "it not being perfect," to "her head not in the right place," to her exclamation of "oh my God!" and to "Dick, don't go! Don't go, Dick!" When your sex life is more funny than sexy, then maybe you SHOULD go to the woods...alone.

- Dick isn't afraid of anything with two legs. That explains why he couldn't get laid - a pussy has four.

- Some lady who was painting something in the woods had her kid hanging by a tree many feet away. As a painter, she was a Da Vinci. As a mom, she was clearly a Picasso.

- Never wear a gold star on your chest. You'll receive red marks, usually in blood, for your fashion supernova faux-pas.

- Don't ride a wheelchair through the woods. No, not because you could get killed by a mountain man or a chainsaw wielding maniac. It's because it's FUCKIN' STUPID!!!

THE FINAL HOWL
DON'T GO IN THE WOODS...ALONE! or with anyone else. This film is bad in every sense of the world. Yeah, you could get perverse entertainment from some of it, but is it worth the thoughts of suicide floating in your head because of it? Probably not. If you love bad movies, check this out. Otherwise, stay away from these woods. I don't want to be responsible for a massive spread of braindead people because of this piece of crap. WTF? indeed...

The WTF? Worst Films Extravaganza Presents: Cheerleader Camp (1987)

DIRECTED BY
John Quinn

STARRING
Betsy Russell - Alison Wentworth
Leif Garrett - Brent Hoover
Lucinda Dickey - Cory Foster
Lorrie Griffin - Bonnie Reed
George "Buck" Flower - Pop
Travis McKenna - Timmy Moser
Teri Weigel - Pam Bently
Rebecca Ferratti - Theresa Salazar
Vickie Benson - Miss Tipton

Genre - Horror/Slasher/Comedy/Cult

Running Time - 89 Minutes

Score - 1 Howl Outta 4


I think it's safe to say that most high school males wanted to date a cheerleader in High School. Was it the uniform? The high kicks and splits in their mini-skirts? The fact that they can spell with such enthusiasm? Or maybe it was because they were usually bitchy and so self-absorbed that you wanted to bang their bad attitude out of them?

Nah, it was the splits. I dig flexible ladies. Grrrrroooowwwllll...

Anyway, cheerleading may look easy but it's definitely a lot of work. The splits, the flips and cartwheels, and building those human pyramids must take a ton of practice to perfect. Some squads even go to special camps to make sure they're the best cheerleaders they can be. Just like in other sports, being a cheerleader can be a lot of pressure.

It doesn't help if there's some killer on the loose killing cheerleaders for whatever reason. It doesn't help CHEERLEADER CAMP either, as a cheesy premise just isn't cheesy or funny enough to cheer a whole hell about.

Give me a W!

Give me a T!

Give me an F!

Give me a VAULT! Because that's where CHEERLEADER CAMP is going! Yeah!!

PLOT
Alison (Betsy Russell) and her cheerleading gang [the boyfriend (Leif Garrett), the jealous bitch (Teri Weigel), her best friend (Rebecca Ferratti), the mascot (Lucinda Dickey) and some fat dude (Travis McKenna)] head to a cheerleading camp for some sort of competition, although I didn't see Kirsten Dunst, Gabrielle Union, or Eliza Dushku anywhere here. Anyway, Alison has issues - MAJOR issues. Her boyfriend flirts with other girls in front of her, members of her squad want to take her spot, and she has these nightmares of her killing people and seeing her boyfriend screw other girls. It doesn't help that the camp's headmistress (Vicki Benson) has a stick [or the sheriff's penis] up her ass and thwarts any positivity Alison's group seems to hold on to. All this pressure - what's a hot, crazy girl to do?

Before she can answer that, people end up dead at the camp. Strangely enough, they all seem to be adversaries of Alison. Are Alison's dreams fantasy or reality? Did Leif Garrett actually rap with a straight face? Why am I watching this again? Oh yeah. I'm a masochist with a bloody pom pom. Hooray.

REVIEW
I have three words for CHEERLEADER CAMP:

WHAT THE FUCK!?

CHEERLEADER CAMP has all the ingredients to be a good B-horror movie. It has hot girls. It has nudity. The acting isn't all that great. And the murder scenes are pretty cheesy. Unfortunately, CHEERLEADER CAMP doesn't do enough with what it has. It pretty much meanders incoherently until its "twist" ending. This film isn't all that funny. It's not even campy [pun intended]. It takes itself too seriously at times. CHEERLEADER CAMP is truly a disappointment.

The story for CHEERLEADER CAMP is pretty non-existent. Yeah, 80s horror films aren't usually known for their strong narratives, but at least you understand how the sub-plots connect together to make a fluid movie. CHEERLEADER CAMP doesn't even manage to do that. We have Alison's nightmares, which are supposed to make her look like the killer. She blacks out, has mood swings, and gives people dirty looks as red herrings to the real killer. And the film doesn't even hide this fact because she's with the other characters when the murders take place. What's the point then? Also, she takes pills for these nightmares. Are we ever told why? Nope! I had no idea if she was schizo or bipolar or just a fuckin' pill-popping jealous twit! I don't need to know the full extent of her mental and medical history, but a simple answer would have been nice!

Another sub-plot that made no sense was the headmistress acting like a bitch to Alison and her friends. What exactly did she have against them from the start? How in the hell should I know! It's never explained once. Sure, she could have been just a major bitch. But she was actually pleasant to the other squads. I guess the 'tude had to give the killer a motive, but it seemed like it came out of nowhere.

It doesn't help that the characters are either annoying or unsympathetic. Alison is a mental case for the most of the film and I could care less what she was going through because I had NO IDEA what she was going through. Her dreams did make me chuckle a few times though. Her boyfriend, Brent, is a cheating prick who looks too old to be part of some high school cheerleading squad. This dude flirted with girls in front Alison, made out with the bitchy Pam in front of Alison, and then wanted to have like a gangbang with the surviving girls after thinking the killer was dead. I normally would applaud that type of behavior. But since it wasn't me, he's a dick! And Timmy, who decides to film himself PEEING while the killer is after him just made me scratch my head. He was supposed to be the comic relief, but he brought neither comedy or relief. What a waste of paper and ink.

And then everyone else was either stupid, clingy, perverted over the borderline, and bitchy. The only character I liked was Corey, the mascot, because she actually seemed normal even when she was the outcast of the group. She did show up at the most convenient and coincidental times though with her hidden teleportation powers. But the only people who can teleport like in horror movies are... Nah, I won't even go there. But when characters act one way and then start acting another for no visible reason, it just makes me want to stop watching.

I will say that the killer in the film is highly predictable. Hell, the narrative tries to "fool" you but the lack of cohesion makes the culprit very obvious. I wasn't surprised by the twist, even though I did get the motive wrong. I guess my loins were thinking louder than my brain at that point, but it's not like the filmmakers were trying to sway away from this unintentional sub-plot.

The nudity in the film was disappointing. For a film obviously inspired by MEATBALLS and PORKY'S mixed with FRIDAY THE 13TH, there just wasn't enough sex humor or nudity to compensate for the lackluster filmmaking. Sure there are girls in bras, panties, lingerie, bikinis, and the occasional boob and ass shots. But when the fat guy's ass gets more screen time than any of the female nudity, we have a problem here. If you're gonna be gratuitous, be gratuitous! Don't show it and quickly take it away. It's called being a tease and no one likes a tease. Boo to you, CHEERLEADER CAMP!

I did, however, enjoy the gore FX here. They're pretty graphic and actually pretty cool for the most part. The garden shears one through the cheerleader's head and out of her mouth was probably my favorite. And it didn't even look amateurish, which impressed me. I also liked the scythe kill as well. And the van kill and the meat cleaver kill were cool too. CHEERLEADER CAMP's strength were in the murder sequences. If the rest of the film was as good as this department, it would be a decent watch.

The direction by John Quinn was meh. I thought the editing was pretty bad, especially with the Corey character. She was like everywhere at once in such a short amount of time. And it just ruined certain scenes because there wasn't enough time given to build tension and suspense [which by the way this film does not have]. The dream sequences and the murder scenes are shot well though, so it's not all bad. But it's pretty much a "point and shoot" affair with some drops of style mixed in. Nothing to write home about here.

The acting is horrible, but I was expecting that from a film like this. Betsy Russell is a nice looking woman, but her acting here was worse than bad - it was lazy, uninspired, and boring. She just looked tired and didn't even seem she wanted to be in this movie. I probably would have given the film a higher score if she was having fun with the part. But Russell just goes through the motions here. Kind of sad actually. Leif Garrett, washed up teen idol, at least has fun here. He's not actually a bad actor either, playing a sex-crazed dickhead perfectly. I actually liked him here. George "Buck" Flower, who's been in a lot of cult films, does well as the perverted crazy old guy trying to protect the cheerleaders while looking up their dresses. Lucinda Dickey was very good as the mascot, Corey. She had the most believable performance in my opinion. Teri Weigel, who later became a porn star after this, does okay as the bitchy Pam. She has a great rack, I gotta say.

I also gotta mention the rap by Leif Garrett and Travis McKenna. It's either really bad or really brilliant. I'm not sure which, to be honest with you. And there's a rock band during the middle of the film that doesn't even lip synch to the song playing, mouthing different lyrics visibly. I couldn't help but laugh. Wow...

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WISHING I COULD HAVE LIVED WITHOUT SEEING LEIF GARRETT STUFF HIS TIGHTY WHITIES...UGH...

- Alison's cheer went like this: "Lean to the left, lean to the right, stand up, sit down...that's not right." Is this supposed to liven up the team and crowd? Or give me naughty thoughts? Whatever the case, she can sit on top of my pyramid anytime!

- Timmy took his pants off in front of the cheerleaders to show them his butt. He proved that the moon is indeed made of cheese...and cellulite.

- "There's something eating at everyone." Isn't that the first rule in the porn industry?

- The local sheriff was gawking at the cheerleaders from afar, claiming he was on duty. Obviously since his "stake" was "out".

- Alison saw her face covered in blood while looking in the mirror. Either she had a really bad facial cut, or she ran out of tampons and used her hands during her time of the month before touching her face. For my sake, I hope it's the first...

- Miss Tipton and the Sheriff roleplayed as cheerleader and football player, leading to a very quick game where he scored a touchdown. I guess he didn't have enough stamina to go for the extra point.

- Pam got impaled in the back of the head with shears, which happened to come out of her mouth. It's just like what she does to impress boys, but in reverse.

- Alison had an episode when she saw a chicken mascot dancing. Well a giant cock will do that to some girls.

- Theresa, running away from a van, stopped in front of a tree and screamed hoping that would save her. While women find giant pieces of wood pleasurable, anything that pistons into a forest is gonna make the forest bleed.

- While there's a killer on the loose, Timmy films himself taking a playful leak. Obesity not only causes heart disease and diabetes, but massive stupidity as well.

- The Sheriff was murdered by a booby trap. I had no idea pigs could die in bear traps.

THE FINAL HOWL
I knew CHEERLEADER CAMP wouldn't be a masterpiece, but how can one refuse to watch a film with a cool cover like that? That's a work of art right there! Unfortunately the actual film itself can't match up to the cover's standards. CHEERLEADER CAMP isn't good enough for slasher standards and it's not bad enough to be good fun. Decent kills, decent boobs, and a nice twist ending can't save this mess. I usually love movies like this, but CHEERLEADER CAMP doesn't raise my film morale at all. I'm sending it and its pom poms to the WTF? Vault where it can C-H-E-E-R to its heart's content.

Dead By Dawn (2008) - Fatally-Yours.com X-Clusive

Believing in the supernatural and the law of karma, I know not to do really bad things to others. I'll be damned if what I did to someone in the past will catch up to me when, God forbid, this person is in the afterlife. Being possessed by this person? Getting murdered by this person? Having to suffer through annoying visions and dreams? Screw that! Ain't gonna happen! After 75 minutes of DEAD BY DAWN, my mind has been made up. A low budget supernatural thriller, DEAD BY DAWN kept my interest by telling an interesting story. Unfortunately, it could have been told better and the rest of the film isn't all that original. But it doesn't make DEAD BY DAWN a bad film at all.

DEAD BY DAWN begins with some dude named Christopher Schrieder (played by director Nigel Hartwell) being accused of rape by former girlfriend, Tiffany Beach (Tiffany Edwardsen). Although claiming innocence, Christopher kills himself realizing he'll be sentenced for rape anyway. His father (Norman McIssac) finds his body, but doesn't see that Christopher's eyes are completely white. Also strange - Tiffany herself appears to be missing, even presumed dead.

Some time after, a group of High Schoolers [who look like they've been leftback a decade or two] head off to the lake house for a weekend where Christopher murdered himself. One of these "teenagers" is Christopher's younger brother, Jordan (Anthony Cortese), who is shocked when his girlfriend invites Tiffany's twin sister, Tanya (also played by Tiffany Edwardsen). What's ironic is that Tanya is oblivious to Jordan's identity, while Jordan knows exactly who she is. While this mystery unravels and sins of the past begin to surface, an evil spirit roams the woods murdering these "teenagers" in an act of revenge. Who survives? Who bites it hard? Does it even matter?


DEAD BY DAWN: Movie Trailer

Click Here To Continue Reading The Review @ Fatally Yours

Final Destination (2000)

DIRECTED BY
James Wong

STARRING
Devon Sawa - Alex Browning
Ali Larter - Clear Rivers
Kerr Smith - Carter Horton
Seann William Scott - Billy Hitchcock
Chad E. Donella - Tod Waggner
Kristen Cloke - Valerie Lewton
Amanda Detmer - Terry Chaney
Tony Todd - Bludworth

Genre - Horror/Slasher/Supernatural

Running Time - 98 Minutes

Score - 4 Howls Outta 4



If one takes a survey on what frightens people the most, I'm sure Death would be in the top five somewhere. Thinking about it, it's quite a funny and ironic answer. After all, aren't we born to die? Sure, we never know when it'll happen and even scarier - how. But it's not like we can escape death.

Or can we?

In one of the best horror films [and franchises for that matter] of the past decade, FINAL DESTINATION, a small group of characters attempt it after they manage to flee an airplane before it explodes. But remember - you can't cheat Death and He won't take kindly to it if one does. But hell, I hope more people try and fool the Grim Reaper. There's no doubt the consequences will be as entertaining as FINAL DESTINATION itself.

PLOT
Alex Browning (Devon Sawa) and his senior class get on Flight 180 at JFK Airport in New York City [thanks, I'm never flying again now] as they plan on travelling to Paris, France [not Texas]. Suddenly having a premonition where everyone on the plane will die due to a horrible explosion, Alex freaks out and is escorted off the plane along with other rowdy/scared classmates (Ali Larter, Kerr Smith, Seann William Scott, Amanda Detmer, and Chad E. Donella) and a teacher (Kristen Cloke). While the ones off the plane believe at first that Alex just had a bad dream due to a fear of flying, they're traumatized when they watch Flight 180 explode in front of their eyes.

Believing they have a new chance at life, the teens and the rest of the community mourn the loss of the senior class. However Alex is treated like a lepur due to his premonition being on the money, while some of the others have trouble dealing with the fact that they survived while a lot more didn't. Unfortunately, things get worse when Death decides that his plan for Flight 180 was incomplete. Using the things around the survivors that anyone would take advantage of in every day life, Death begins to murder the survivors of Flight 180 in the exact order they were supposed to die on the plane.

Death, however, doesn't realize that Alex can sense and see what his design is. Becoming obsessed with cheating Death again, Alex begins researching and figuring out ways to keep the members of Flight 180 that survived alive. However, playing cat and mouse with Death is never easy. In fact, it can be quite deadly.

REVIEW
I remember when FINAL DESTINATION was released back in 2000. This was during a time where the horror genre had grown quickly stale after the reinvigoration of the genre by Wes Craven's SCREAM in 1996. Everyone loved SCREAM. Then came I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER, which alot of people liked. But then we got URBAN LEGENDS, and SCREAM 2 and 3, and I STILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER - films that just seemed to get worse and worse as they capitalized on the teen slasher craze. But then FINAL DESTINATION came along and it was a refreshing take on the teen slasher. The teens were intelligent without being self-aware of horror films, the cliches and motifs were used in new creative and inventive ways, and the villain wasn't some person in a mask or after revenge but something none of us can escape. It was a semi-rebirth of the genre, which is desperately needed at the time.

FINAL DESTINATION is written by James Wong and Glen Morgan, two men who worked on X-Files and Millennium. That pedigree is enough for any person to realize that the story will not only be creepy, but well-written and logical enough for us to remain entertained. Wong and Morgan know exactly how to craft a chilling horror film, making us question how Death works. Does Death have a design? Can we control our fate and destiny? Or is fate and destiny already controlled for us since birth? The fact is that we never really know for sure. Using FINAL DESTINATION as a vessel to get those life questions across in a way that people will eat it up was very clever and very smart.

Wong and Morgan do something that many other horror filmmakers sometimes fail to do: make their villain truly scary and a force of nature [literally in this case]. Death isn't a man, or a monster, or some tangible being that has a weakness. It's a force that nobody can escape no matter how hard they may try. And the fact that this force can use ANYTHING to kill you in horrific ways raises the situation's stakes. All you can do is hope that Death never catches up to you because when he does, you're fucked! I would rather deal with Leatherface, Michael Myers, Jason Voorhees, and Freddy Krueger combined than deal with Death in FINAL DESTINATION. At least I have hope I could survived the first four. I know I have no chance when it comes to something I can't see, hear, touch, smell, or taste. That's truly scary and that's why FINAL DESTINATION works so well - we don't fear dying - we fear not knowing how or when we will die.

Where the story also excels is the characters. Sure we get the usual stereotypes like the nerdish guy [Alex], the quiet one [Clear], the asshole jock [Carter] and his popular girlfriend [Terry], and the goof [Billy]. But they're fleshed out here and actually act intelligently instead of acting so stupid that you start hitting yourself with the remote. You actually like the characters and kind of root for some them to survive. Some, I think, are still a bit overboard that they get close to annoy you [Carter's foul-mouthed angry character comes to mind]. But for the most part, the teens act like teens and think like teens. That's another reason why FINAL DESTINATION stands out from the rest.

FINAL DESTINATION is mainly known for its ridiculous and over-the-top death sequences. While I like the more elborate deaths in the sequels, I think FINAL DESTINATION has some cool ones too. I think the premonition of the plane exploding is still a pretty incredible sequence after almost 10 years, really creeping me out because that's just a bad way to go. Being pulled out of an open plane while in the air and then being burnt by fire is just messed up. I also like Tod's death scene, with the clothesline in the bathroom strangling him to death. And the decapitation and rammed by moving bus ones are okay too. But hands down, the best one involves Ms. Lewton's demise. It's like a beautiful, operatic domino effect of a death. First she gets a shard to the throat. Then she gets things exploding in her face. Then she slips on the floor. Then she gets impaled by a knife while trying to reach a cloth above her. And then something lands on the knife to impale it deeper. Then a fire breaks out, exploding her house. I mean, it's just an incredible sequence and if I had to make a Top Ten list for Best Kills in the horror genre, that may have to be on it. Just a great job by the production team and FX on this one.

James Wong does a great job behind the camera. He knows how to set up the mood and atmosphere to give the film a very creepy feeling. There's also a lot of tension built due to the fact that we know who is gonna die and it's just a matter of waiting for when the terror will strike. I also liked the subtle things as well, from the names of the characters [based on people who are or have been involved in horror] to the hints in the mise-en-scene that imply what will happen to these characters. I also liked the use of John Denver during every murder scene [nice to exploit the man's death in a plane crash]. The murder sequences are also edited perfectly and are quite suspenseful to watch. Wong knows what he's doing and does it well.

The acting in FINAL DESTINATION is very good. Devon Sawa is great as Alex, conveying a believable emotional evolution as he attempts to cheat death for himself and his friends. Alex goes from calm to scared to paranoid to impulsive to nuts in 98 minutes running time and Sawa definitely brings them all to the plate with conviction. I really liked his performance here. I'm surprised his career didn't build from here. Ali Larter is also very good as Clear, giving a very vulnerable and strong performance. It's interesting seeing her play against type as she's usually the sexpot in films and on television. But she does real good here and has nice chemistry with Sawa. Kerr Smith is a good actor, but I'm not a total fan of the character he plays. I mean, Smith just plays an angry son of a bitch who says the "F" word every other sentence. Not much of a part. I have a feeling he picked this role because it countered his gay role on Dawson's Creek at the time. Sean William Scott played the goofy role well, although I can't see him being picked on by Kerr Smith. He's fuckin' Stifler! Kristen Cloke did nervous really well as Ms. Lewton. I think she was almost in tears in every scene. That must have been tiring. And Tony Todd has a cameo as the undertaker, Bludworth. All he does really is explain what Death is and how it has a design. But I dig his monologue and he's always a pleasant sight in any film he's in. So a great cast for a great horror flick.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE DELETING JOHN DENVER SONGS FROM MY PLAYLIST

- Feel afraid when someone tells you that you have your whole life ahead of you. You'll probably be close to the brink of death soon after. Hey, they never said which life they were referring to.

- Always believe someone and their premonitions. They could save your life. Or your sanity. I should have listened to the Cinema Snob about THE NAIL GUN MASSACRE. But did I listen? Noooooo...

- Ms. Lewton is afraid of Alex whenever he's near. The film leads you to believe it's because of his premonitions. But I have a feeling she had a sexy encounter with his IDLE HANDS. Hubba hubba...

- Don't hang things above the bathtub. The next person who comes in to use the tub will end up accidentally choking him/herself on the clothesline. Or maybe it'll be intentional for making them do more work than they had to. Either way, it's your fault.

- "Death has a design". I see who's gonna win Project Runway this season! Auf wiedersehen!

- Ms. Lewton got a computer monitor shard lodged in her throat, vodka and other materials blew up in her face, and then she got impaled by a butcher knife in a span of 3 minutes. For an Irish lady, she sure didn't have a lot of luck or fight in her!

- Billy's head got chopped off by something sharp attached to a moving train. With a heave...and a ho...Billy's head just had to go...go...go...

- Death tried to kill Clear with electricity. How fitting since she acquired the power to manipulate herself into water and ice since then. Well played, Reaper. Well played.

THE FINAL HOWL
A teen horror movie that plays it straight and serious - what a rarity. But FINAL DESTINATION does it and does it really well. It's near the top of the horror pack [especially in the modern era] with its inventive kills, fleshed out characters, and a villain who is unstoppable. Heading into this FINAL DESTINATION is quite a fun ride and definitely a film worth owning if you're a horror fan. We'll see how the return trips [FINAL DESTINATION 2, FINAL DESTINATION 3, and THE FINAL DESTINATION] stack up in the next few weeks.

Laid To Rest (2009)

DIRECTED BY
Robert Hall

STARRING
Bobbi Sue Luther - The Girl
Kevin Gage - Tucker
Lena Headey - Cindy
Sean Whalen - Steven
Thomas Dekker - Tommy
Johnathon Schaech - Johnny
Nick Principe - Chrome Skull

Genre - Horror/Slasher

Running Time - 90 Minutes

Score - 3.5 Howls Outta 4



Serial killers in horror films have really evolved since the days of Norman Bates dressed like his mother and butchered Janet Leigh in that hotel shower in PSYCHO. From chainsaw wielding maniacs, to guys who wear blank Captain Kirk masks every Halloween, to a deformed man-child who enjoys hockey by a lake, and to a guy who invades your dreams with his razor-glove, we've come to an era where killers put you in traps to see how much you appreciate life or butcher you just because it's a business.

Now in the direct-to-DVD feature, LAID TO REST, we have a dude who is a mix of Patrick Bateman and Steve Jobs, being technologically advanced in his killing skills while looking spiffy and cool doing it with his tailor made black duds and shiny metal skull mask. When they said technology would lead to the fall of man, they were not kidding with this guy. Thankfully, the killer is just as cool and modern as the actual film itself, taking slasher motifs and bringing them to a new generation in a very effective way.

A horror film that's not a remake?

A horror film that doesn't involve a semblence of shaky cam?

A horror film that isn't torture porn?

And it's awesome?

Wow, I didn't know those kind of horror movies existed anymore...

PLOT
Some girl (Bobbi Sue Luther) happens to wake up in a closed casket. She escapes believably frightened and traumatized, not knowing who she is or how she even got inside the casket. While she attempts to get away, she encounters some chrome skull mask wearing nutjob named...um, Chrome Skull (Nick Principe), who is stalking her directly and killing anyone in the way of getting his hands on her. With no idea who this guy is or why he is even doing this to her, the girl hitchhikes away from danger. She meets up with gruff Tucker (Kevin Gage) and his wife Cindy (Lena Headey), who take her in. Things get bloody messy quick because of Chrome Skull, leading her to meet up with Steven (Sean Whalen), a mama's boy/computer whiz whose mother just passed away and wants no part of this girl's mess. As the answers and memories come back to this mystery girl, the revelations appear to be more disturbing than she could have ever dreamed.

REVIEW
LAID TO REST surprised the hell out of me. I normally don't go into Direct-to-DVD horror films with an optimistic frame of mind, since more of them turn out to be very disappointing. But LAID TO REST is a huge exception to the rule, giving slasher fans everything they would want in a slasher film. From massive amounts of blood and gore, a barebones story with strong characters, and enough tension and mystery to keep you captivated, LAID TO REST is a huge success!

LAID TO REST isn't known for its highly structured plotline. As a matter of fact, what slasher film really is besides the classics? But LAID TO REST does have a great story behind it, especially when it has an actual mystery leading it along. The true identity of The Girl is what drives this film, making the viewer wonder why Chrome Skull targeted this girl and why he's messing with her so much instead of just killing her. He keeps putting her in caskets anytime he catches up to her, forces her to go into a convenience store to buy a Mini DV tape by calling her a bitch, and kills her friends in front of her. Yet he doesn't do anything to her. What gives? The fact is, even when we do find out who this girl is [and I didn't even guess it right], we still don't really know what makes her so special. From all we know, she's just a girl from Miami he wanted to add to his collection. The killer had no true motive other than to kill a certain girl from a certain city. I think that's actually an awesome plot point because I like a good mystery and I especially like a serial killer who doesn't have any visible motive other than to kill. That's why The Shape was such an awesome character until the whole brother-sister twist with Laurie Strode was revealed. It made him and the situation his victims were in scarier. Same goes to LAID TO REST, as it made The Girl and Chrome Skull both interesting characters as polar opposites of each other.

I also appreciated that the characters weren't totally stereotypical. Sure you have the Final Girl, the killer, the teens, the grown ups, the hero, the nerd/smart guy, etc. But they're actually developed and they have personality, making them all exceptionally likable. In most slasher films, these characters would be nothing but one-dimensional cannon fodder for the much charismatic killer. But LAID TO REST actually fleshes these characters out and you give a damn whether they live or die. The Girl, heroic Tucker, and cowardly Steven are all good people and help each other out even when they don't want to, knowing it could get them killed. I was actually invested in these people and that helped build a greater sense of tension that most slashers don't have. Hell, even Chrome Skull has character just by filming his killing sprees, cleaning himself whenever things get messy, and just being damn unstoppable by murdering people in awesome ways with his sweet knife. Seriously, this dude was a fuckin' badass on legs. No way would I ever want to encounter this motherfucker. And the guy doesn't even talk!! He fuckin' text messages you into peeing your pants! If that's not great character development, I don't know what is.

I also dug that the film played every thing straight and let the natural dialogue in context of the situation build character, tension, and intentional laughs. It wasn't self-aware of itself. It wasn't trying to be a horror-comedy by having the victims crack jokes at a desperate attempt to keep viewers entertained. The Steven character, in particular, was the wisecracker only because he didn't want to be involved to begin with. His humor came from the fact that we could all understand how he felt if we were ever in his shoes. Would the jokes work on a second viewing? Probably not. But at least they worked, right?

I did have a few issues with the story and the characters. Like why every damn car in this town had trouble whenever the killer was around. I mean one or two cars, maybe. But all of them? Kind of stretching it a bit too much. Also, why in the hell would you waste bullets by shooting the killer - AT HIS CHROME SKULL MASK? The shit will just bounce right off! Not like shooting him in the body did anything anyway since he just pulled bullets out of his wounds and self-stitched them. But at least it's better than shooting his METAL mask! Idiots! I was actually rooting for Chromey and his sweet blade at that point.

Out of anything, LAID TO REST will undoubtedly be known for its gore. And by God...this film was a gorgeous gorefest that made me say "Holy shit!" more than on one occasion. I mean, a knife straight into the skull? Another knife shot that started at the jaw and led to a face getting sliced off the hard way? Intestines vomiting out of someone's stomach? A shotgun blowing a head into a million pieces? A face melting? I mean, this film did not hold back the violence! For a limited budget, Almost Human did a phenomenal job with the FX in this film. It just made what Chrome Skull did that much more effective and deadlier. Gorehounds will salivate over the kills in this movie. I know I did. Also have to give credit to the look of Chrome Skull. Just an intimidating look for a villain. I really liked it.

Robert Hall, who's known for his FX work on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, does a fantastic job behind the camera. You can tell this guy is a true horror fan. He takes what he knows and uses them not only in the way they should be used, but also in new creative ways that we've haven't seen in quite a while. The murder sequences are shot beautifully without quick cuts or anything distracting to make it less effective. He feeds you the gore right in front of your face. The editing is top notch and the pacing is fantastic. The tension is there and the suspense creeps up on you. And the cinematography has just the right look for a modern slasher like this, as the film takes place in one dark night in the South. Just a great directorial job here by Hall. I was very impressed by the visuals and how they were handled here.

The acting was actually quite good here as well. Bobbie Sue Luther, who happens to be Robert Hall's hot wife, does herself well as The Girl in her first lead role. She was convincing in her fear, confusion, frustration, and sadness when the truth was revealed. She handled herself well with the more credible actors in the film. I liked her alot and would like to see her in more films. Kevin Gage as Tucker was probably the strongest in the entire film. Usually known for his work as a villain, Gage is the total opposite in creating a hero you can root for. He is very engaging and I always thought he was pretty underrated as an actor. He does a nice job here. Sean Whalen is pretty funny as Steven, being the comic relief of the film. I think his character may be the one most viewers will relate to. We also get cameos by Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles stars Lena Headey and Thomas Dekker, who do well in their limited roles. And Nick Principe as Chrome Skull was excellent. Great cast all around.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE WAKING UP WITH AMNESIA FROM MY COFFIN

- The Girl complained about waking up in a box. I woke up in a box once. I may pay for it 9 months later. (bites nails)

- Lena Headey had her suspicions about The Girl. Well after dealing with misogynistic Spartans and fighting off Terminators, I don't really blame her.

- Johnathon Schaech got his face sliced off. I guess that's part of the half Christina Applegate won in their divorce!

- Some stupid chick got her abdomen sliced open while running away from Chrome Skull. Whew! I guess I won't have to worry about the next 9 months after all!

- Chrome Skull got poked in both eyes until they bled out, yet he was still able to see perfectly fine. He must go to the same eye doctor that Michael Myers goes to. I should be a horror movie villain. They get the best medical coverage.

THE FINAL HOWL
LAID TO REST is definitely an awesome time. I was not expecting this film to be this good but it slapped me in the face and showed me that American horror is still alive and kicking. It didn't have to remake a much better film. It didn't have to use cheap gimmicks to grab and keep your attention. It offered a more than competent slasher template but with a twist that was both original and refreshing. Every horror fan [and non-horror fan for that matter] should check this sucker out. Hell, I may even buy this one and add it to my collection. LAID TO REST is a keeper!

Rogue (2007)

DIRECTED BY
Greg McLean

STARRING
Michael Vartan - Pete McKell
Radha Mitchell - Kate Ryan
Sam Worthington - Neil Kelly
John Jarratt - Russell
Caroline Brazier - Mary Ellen
Heather Mitchell - Elizabeth

Genre - Horror/Science Fiction/Deadly Animals

Running Time - 95 Minutes

Score - 3 Howls Outta 4



PLOT - ROGUE is another one of those "Animals Run Amok" flicks. Travel writer Pete McKell (Michael Vartan) decides to hop on a tour boat before leaving Australia. Lead by Kate Ryan (Radha Mitchell), the tour boat sails well through the Outback in crocodile country. Nothing bad could happen, right? Anyway, Pete and his fellow passengers seem to be enjoying the view and tour until they notice a distress flare a short distance away. Kate, kind of upsetting the tourists, decides to head into that direction to see what's up. Unfortunately, the group ends up in crocodile territory - or in this case, GIANT crocodile territory. Yeah this huge crocodile seems to be addicted to human flesh and blood, attacking the group any chance they make themselves vulnerable. With dawn slowly approaching and no help in sight, can these people come together and stop this crocodile from eating them? Are you hoping they kind of fail?


REVIEW


STORY - Greg McLean wrote a pretty decent flick here in ROGUE. This could have been a very cheesy killer animal film, but McLean actually plays this one seriously - and it works. He builds up the story, giving us time to recognize the characters and developing them more than they probably should have been for a film like this. The crocodile is barely seen really until the end [besides the quick cuts during the middle of the film] and I liked how he wasn't totally shown right away. McLean didn't write a complex script and does just enough to make you care about what's going on.

There's a lot of tension here and the story benefited from that. I loved the middle section with Sam Worthington trying to save the tourists by creating an alternative route that didn't require swimming into the river. I especially loved the ending, where the tension just built up to the point where I was totally caught up in what I was watching. I'm kinda tiffed that McLean teased me with the deaths of both the dog and Kate herself, only deciding at the last minute to play nice and do the happy ending sort of thing. I think the situation would be have been more effective for the Pete character. But I can't complain all too much about ROGUE. It's a realistic take on a B-movie formula and it was refreshing.

DIRECTION - Greg McLean, who also directed WOLF CREEK, did an excellent job behind the camera. The pace was perfect and the tension was incredible. I was really caught up in the suspense. I also loved the build up shots of the giant crocodile, which by the way was done with really cool CGI [looked pretty realistic to me]. I think the cinematography and framing were absolutely beautiful. The Outback looked very inviting. I can't complain about anything with the visuals. A very mature effort here.

VIOLENCE/SEX/LANGUAGE [aka THE GOOD STUFF] - No sex at all here. And the language was pretty tame. So was the violence, unfortunately. While we do get Vartan's fingers getting chewed off and some people getting munched on by the crocodile, there's not much in terms of gore and blood. Pretty disappointing in this aspect.

ACTING - Fantastic acting I thought. Michael Vartan did his thing, playing the serious hero and looking good doing it. Rahda Mitchell finally got to use her real Australian accent and she played the role of Kate with bravery, toughness, vulnerability, and sass. I enjoyed her here. Sam Worthington was very charismatic and played his short role well. A very nice cast for ROGUE.

MUSIC - We get a jungle soundtrack going with chants and stuff. I dug it and it fit the film well.

THE FINAL HOWL
ROGUE surprised me really. I was expecting a pretty cheesy or pretty lame crocodile flick here. But what I got was a competent, serious, mature killer animal film and I appreciated that. Lots of tension and suspense mixed with great acting and wonderful directing - sounds like a good time to me. I wish McLean didn't tease me with the bleaker ending deal by saving the lives of certain people. I also wish more victims were crocodile food because some of these characters deserved to be dinner. But what can you do?

Martyrs (2008)

DIRECTED BY
Pascal Laugier

STARRING
Morjana Alaoui - Anna
Mylene Jampanoi - Lucie
Catherine Begin - Mademoiselle

Genre - Horror/Psychological

Running Time - 100 Minutes

Score - 4 Howls Outta 4



PLOT - MARTYRS is a French horror film that is not for the weak of heart. Young Lucie has been battered and bloody after being tormented in some warehouse for whatever reason. She escapes and is place into an orphanage/foster-home situation when found by authorities. There, Lucie meets Anna and the two become inseparable. But Lucie seems to believe that there's something, or someone, haunting her.

Fifteen years pass and Lucie (Mylene Jampanoi) hunts down the people who tormented her - some normal looking family that look like they wouldn't harm a fly. Lucie, with a shotgun, kills the entire family [even the innocent children her age], to appease a disfigured figure that doesn't stop at attacking her and cutting her skin. But it doesn't seem to work and Anna (Morjana Alaoui) comes to her rescue. Not sure if Lucie is hallucinating or what she sees is actually there, Anna is forcefully put in a position to find out what Lucie went through in her past, why she was put through it, and the results of this torment.

REVIEW


STORY - MARTYRS is an extremely disturbing film. I saw it weeks ago and it took me until recently to finally put words about it together for a review. It hits you hard right from the start and never lets up, the story never giving you a moment's breath to take it all in. The story is strong, as we're caught in the mystery of why anyone would want to torture a little girl, especially when the ramifications become more disturbing than the actual act itself. The concept for MARTYRS could have really been made to appear over-the-top and really silly, but while it looks and sounds absurd, it never really is. The characters are developed just enough for us to feel bad for them and the things they go through hits the emotions hard. Especially the second half of the film, which actually details what these girls go through and the reasons for it - they're forced to find martyrdom for whatever reason. It's disturbing to watch and I found myself feeling numb because of it.

I do think the film's two separate acts feel a bit disjointed in terms of narrative as we go from Lucie's story to Anna's story. But I think they both work on an individual level. Lucie's is more of a slasher/thriller fare, where we see her shooting people and fighting some sort of demonic figure from her past who cuts her every chance she gets. Or is Lucie actually cutting herself? We're never really sure. But it's the more violent, gory, and loud portion of the film because it's full on action. Then once we switch to Anna's story, the film becomes silent almost with lots of staring and quiet moments of reflection. The slasher becomes a psychological piece all of a sudden, giving us the villains' explanations of martyrdom, sin, the afterlife, pain, and how much a person is willing to be tortured in order to see what's on the other side of the life spectrum. I personally thought the quiet moments were harder to watch than the violent ones. It just very uncomfortable watching these people actually explain why they tortured others. I did think the ending was interesting though and how it made you think about the questions this film brings forth to the surface. The sad part is that there are people out there who probably believe in this. Who knew a non-plot about philosophy could be so unsettling?

DIRECTION - Pascal Laugier really uses the visuals to make the disturbing narrative more disturbing than it has any right to be. Laugier keeps the film very focused even while twisting and turning everything, as even though it should be disjointed, it feels very cohesive on different levels. I think the first half of the film is the better directed portion, as there's more going on at a narrative level. The editing is strong and the shots of action and gore are very effective. I also like how we're never really sure if Lucie is just crazy after what was done to her or if this scary figure is really haunting her. I believe she was just traumatized, but the editing is done in a way that it makes us question ourselves. I thought the torture stuff in the last half was directed well also, even though I was kind of hoping he would have shortened some of it because it was really slow, quiet, and just not pleasant to sit through. But then again, that was probably the point so it works. But the pacing is well done and the cinematography is beautiful.

VIOLENCE/SEX/LANGUAGE [aka THE GOOD STUFF] - This film is all about the violence and nothing else. People get shot, especially one who gets their brains blown to pieces. People are cutting themselves. Blood is splattering everywhere. Someone gets skinned alive and we see this for more minutes than I want to. And just the fact that torture is prominent here is enough violence in any movie. There is some nudity and some language, but it's completely overshadowed by the gore and torture. Enter at your own risk.

ACTING - I'm not really sure how to judge this one. Morjana Alaoui and Mylene Jampanoi were very effective as Anna and Lucie. But I was so disturbed by this film that sometimes I wondered if these ladies were even acting. All they pretty much did was cry and scream. Is that acting? I dunno! Catherine Begin was good as the Mademoiselle behind the torture stuff.

MUSIC - A very subtle score. It fit the film well.

THE FINAL HOWL
While INSIDE is a better film, MARTYRS is effective for its own reasons. This film is NOT for everybody. This is either a love it or hate it sort of film. I can't say this entertained me in any way, but as a piece of cinema, it's well-made and lingers with you after it's done. If that's not a success, I dunno what is. If you are interested, watch this before the American remake is released [yes, there's one coming]. I'm glad to have watched this once but I think that's enough for me. My psyche probably couldn't take another second of MARTYRS.

The Unborn (2009)

DIRECTED BY
David S. Goyer

STARRING
Odette Yustman - Casey Beldon
Gary Oldman - Rabbi Josef Sendak
Meagan Good - Romey
Cam Gigandet - Mark Hardigan
Idris Elba - Arthur Wyndham
James Remar - Gordon Beldon
Jane Alexander - Sofi Kozma
Ethan Cutkosky - Barto/Jumby
Carla Gugino - Janet Beldon

Genre - Horror/Supernatural

Running Time - 88 Minutes

Score - 2 Howls Outta 4


Twins have creeped out movie audiences for many years now. From those two girls standing in the hallway in THE SHINING, to Margot Kidder's incredible performance in SISTERS, to Danny Devito and Arnold Schwarzenegger in TWINS, and to Mary-Kate and Ashley in any horrible film they're in - seeing two identical beings with very different characteristics from each other yet being able to switch identities on you at any time give many of us the willies. But why? Is it because the thought of having a double takes away our self-identity? Does it awaken fears of our own mortality and how someone else could just take our place if something happens? Or is it because it'll lead to a mediocre horror film like THE UNBORN?

Nah, it's definitely Devito and Schwarzenegger as twins. Knowing that The Penguin and Mr. Freeze are related gives me nightmares...

PLOT
Casey Beldon (Odette Yustman, who has a GREAT ASS) lives with her father (James Remar) and goes to college. Even though her life seems normal and content on the surface, Casey is dealing with years of knowing that her mentally institutionalized mother (Carla Gugino) killed herself over reasons Casey is unable to really understand. Not only that, but Casey starts having dreams and visions of a really creepy kid (Ethan Cutkosky) who apparently wants to be born. Through her visions, seeing this kid in every mirror she encounters, and noticing that her eyes are developing a discoloration of some sort, Casey learns that she was really born a twin but he died in the womb. Casey suspects this creepy kid to be the demonic spirit of her dead twin brother, who's haunting her as a way to enter the living realm. Getting help from a skeptical Rabbi named Josef Sendak (Gary Oldman) and her boyfriend, Mark (Cam Gigandet), Casey starts unraveling the secrets of this kid and plan an exorcism in order to get rid of him.


REVIEW
THE UNBORN is another in the line of films that holds really interesting concepts and ideas, yet doesn't seem to figure out how to really execute them in a manner that will hold up interest. There's just too much going on and not enough is explained fully for us to really care about. It's pretty sad since writer David S. Goyer is a very good screenwriter and could have really created a very good supernatural film that would be talked for years to come. Instead, THE UNBORN falls flat and ends up straddling that line of mediocrity.

The story by David S. Goyer is generic, even though it shouldn't have been. Instead of really going for something original and out of the box that could make it stand out from other horror films, Goyer instead tries to create an original story based on the flawed Americanized Asian horror remakes. For example, the Barto/Jumby [the creepy boy] could have been a really scary character. Instead, he pops in and out like any of those creepy kids in THE RING, THE GRUDGE, ONE MISSED CALL, etc. It's a missed opportunity. Also, his character really isn't explained enough for us to care about his motives. Yes, he was a victim of Nazi experimentation on genetics and that's a horrible situation. But other than that, what else is there to him? Suddenly after his death, some evil possessed him and he's been trying to be born through his family's descendants. Why? I understand the explanation of the whole Dybbuk thing, but this sub-plot needed more layering. Hell, I was never even sure if this kid was really Casey's dead twin or her grandma's murdered twin. Were they one and the same?

I also appreciated the use of Jewish mysticism, as it gave THE UNBORN a fresh perspective that wasn't totally Christian/Catholic. There were some interesting things about how their exorcisms are different from a Christian one. Plus the main text used to get rid of Barto/Jumby had some cool information as well. But they're not used in their full potential. What makes THE EXORCIST so damn scary is that we see the practice of exorcism and we see the consequences of this practice without it being dumbed down so we could understand it. It builds and builds and we're fascinated by what's going on. In THE UNBORN, it's just a tool to make us jump whenever something freaky would happen. It's never really explained and it seems tacked on just so there could be a really thrilling conclusion. I understand the film isn't about exorcisms, but since it ended up being an important tool to stop this demon, it should have been explored a bit more.

The characters should have been more developed as well. Casey, Rabbi Sendak, and even Sofi Kozma are fleshed out a bit through their various actions and flashbacks, but everyone else is pretty much cardboard. Hell, the Nazis had more character development than Romey, Casey's best friend who appeared to be interested in mysticism, and Mark, Casey's hunky boyfriend. Hell, Romey didn't even know if she was a skeptic or not most of the time. Did she believe or not? Make up your damn mind! And Mark was pretty much the token supportive boyfriend. These two characters could have added something to the narrative but Goyer didn't bother to. This isn't like a slasher flick. All the characters here should have been developed, even if they had to be victims. Would have made us care more.

I also gotta say - the PG-13 rating ruined THE UNBORN. Where were the kills? Where was the blood? Hell, for a "disturbing" concept, I wasn't at all disturbed by anything. Well maybe by the shoddy dialogue at times, but C'MON!! Give me something here. All these off-screen kills just made me frown. And I watched the UNRATED version of the film. Very disappointed.

I will say THE UNBORN was a beautiful film visually. David S. Goyer isn't much of a director at times but I think this was his best directorial work. While he didn't bring anything new to the table, at least there was a lot of style and atmosphere used for the film. From seeing dogs with upside-down heads, to an old dude crawling like a spider and spinning his head, to bugs in bathrooms, to the whole exorcism sequence, I thought Goyer did a nice job. Plus the cinematography was gorgeous and clear. And I liked the aerial shots and the use of really eerie exterior shots. Goyer brings us a film that's easy on the eyes. I just wish he had focused more on the written portion of the film and given it as much care as he did the visuals.

The acting was more than decent here. Odette Yustman with the GREAT ASS, who is probably best known for CLOVERFIELD and her younger days in KINDERGARTEN COP, did her thing and looked hot doing it. I bought her emotional scenes and her desperation to stop Barto/Jumby from possessing her in order to be born. The dialogue didn't help reach her full potential but she made the most of it. Gary Oldman cashed his check well, performing above what he should have in a film that is obviously beneath his talents. He's a great actor in whatever he's in and THE UNBORN is no exception. Meagan Good played the token best friend again and she did it well. I never want to hear her say the word "dude" anymore though. She tired me out with that shit. Idris Elba, James Remar, and Jane Alexander did what they could in their limited roles. Cam Gigandet, from NEVER BACK DOWN and TWILIGHT, didn't have much of a part but he did what he could with it. And Carla Gugino needs a new agent. What is up with this talented woman picking really meaningless roles?

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE NEVER WANTING JUMBY TO BE BORN...NOW OR EVER

- The creepy little boy on the road turned into a dog wearing an upside down mask. I don't know what this means but I suspect that this son of a bitch is hiding something...

- Dogs are messengers of the dead. So I guess if one humps my leg, like Crispin Glover, I'm a dead fuck. Great...

- Casey keeps seeing a creepy kid inside and behind her mirror. I don't get why she freaked. She should be asking him to change his ways....

- Don't go to a social event with Odette Yustman. She'll poop on your fun time with her visions of her dead twin and disgusting bugs. Or you'll end up dead trying to save her during a huge monster attack in New York City. Neither one is worth it, even if she does have a GREAT ASS.

- Casey had to destroy all mirrors in order to keep the evil spirit away. So even if she does eliminate this evil, she'll still have more years of bad luck that she wouldn't have had before. Great freakin' idea!!

- Another creepy little kid stabbed Romey in the gut. No only is this kid related to the Myers family, but Meagan sure wasn't Good enough to survive another horror flick. After that ONE MISSED CALL, she should've SAW that coming!

- Beware of performing exorcisms. You'll bend yourself backwards to participate. Literally.

- The possessed priest beat up Cam Gigandet. For a vampire who trained in MMA fighting while living in The O.C., I expected better from him.

THE FINAL HOWL
THE UNBORN could have been a great film with its really cool premise and slick look and direction. But it held back on the violence it needed to be effective and the story was stale and confusing. Still, it's not a bad time waster and THE UNBORN is a decent rental. No more. No less. Stick with THE EXORCIST or even THE EXORCISM OF EMILY ROSE for your demon possession fix.

As for Odette Yustman, Mr. Pacino will back me up on this:

The WTF? Worst Films Extravaganza Presents: Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li (2009)

DIRECTED BY
Andrzej Bartkowiak

STARRING
Kristin Kreuk - Chun-Li
Neal McDonough - M. Bison
Chris Klein - Charlie Nash
Michael Clarke Duncan - Balrog
Taboo - Vega
Robin Shou - Gen
Moon Bloodgood - Detective Maya Sunee
Edmund Chen - Xiang Huang
Josie Ho - Cantana
Elizaveta Kiryukhina - Rose

Genre - Action/Video Games

Running Time - 96 Minutes

Score - BOMB


Dear Hollywood,
Hi. How are you doing? It's Fred again. I'm not sure if you received any of my previous letters, but I've made it quite known that you and I have not been seeing things eye-to-eye lately. You already know how displeased I am with the remake trend. You know that the whole "let's extend a tired franchise with another sequel" has been getting on my nerves. And now I have another concern: the continuation of video games-into-films adaptations. Let me give you some advice:

Just stop. JUST. STOP. PLEASE.

It's been, how long, and you guys still can't create an adaptation that will please both fanboys and casual film goers? From DOOM, to RESIDENT EVIL, to BLOODRAYNE, to SUPER MARIO BROS., you guys are really yanking my chain with really poor adaptations. Sure, you've hit a few triples - MORTAL KOMBAT and SILENT HILL ring to mind - but the success rate compared to the failure rate is more miss than hit.

Let's add STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI to the failure list. I understand the need to erase the bad taste of the original 1994 STREET FIGHTER: THE MOVIE by rebooting the franchise. But doing a film based on Chun-Li instead of Ryu and Ken was a really bad move. You know what else is bad? Making me want to see STREET FIGHTER: THE MOVIE over this piece of garbage! When the original film seems like a more fun experience to watch than the update, we have a serious problem.

PLOT
Chun-Li (Kristin Kreuk) is a young girl who dreams of a simple life as a concert pianist. Her dreams are almost shattered when her father (Edmund Chen), a martial artist who is also a businessman with connections, has a run-in with evil businessman/crime lord/leader of Shadaloo M. Bison (Neal McDonough) and his henchman Balrog (Michael Clarke Duncan). Chun-Li witnesses the two men kidnap her father, leaving her full of vengeance until she's much older. Coincidentally, a mysterious scroll leads her to Bangkok to find some guy named Gen (Robin Shou), who happens to be a former member of Shadaloo and an enemy of M. Bison. Meeting up, Gen decides to take Chun-Li under his wing, teaching her ways to fight against Bison and the rest of his organization.

While this goes on, some Interpol agent named Charlie Nash (Chris Klein) arrives in Bangkok to take down Bison. With the help of a local detective named Maya Sunee (Moon Bloodgood), their paths intertwine with Chun-Li's - leading to more destruction and boredom.

REVIEW
I have three words for STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI:

WHAT THE FUCK!?

Say what you will about STREET FIGHTER: THE MOVIE. Yes, it's a horrible film. Yes, it had nothing to do with the video game itself. Yes, it stars Jean-Claude Van Damme as an AMERICAN with a BELGIAN accent. But at least it was bad to the point where you could sort of make fun of thing for its psuedo-camp factor. Unfortunately, THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI is not campy or bad enough to really make fun of it. It's just a boring, confusing mess of an origin story for a character in a franchise that doesn't really deserve one.

Written by inexperienced screenwriter Justin Marks, he thought it would be a great idea to focus on a Street Fighter character that people loved. While Chun-Li is my personal favorite character in the franchise to use in the video game series, I never really wanted to have a 90 minute backstory about her. But Marks sure did, only for the sexy Kristin Kreuk to show her flexibility and for her hotness to overcompensate over how bad the script is. I wouldn't have minded if the story was simple and straight-forward enough for me to invest in the characters and actually enjoy seeing the plots flow together and make sense. But nothing here is logical and there's just too much going on for what's supposed to be a reboot/origin story. We have Chun-Li's revenge arc. We have Bison's shady business deals that are so weak and don't amount to much that I'm left wondering what the point was. We have supernatural things where consciences are being implanted in and out of souls. We have the stereotypical training montages that lead to a horrible fight sequence at the end. We also have the whole sub-plot with the cops who may or may not shag. I mean, how do all these things mesh together? It's like Marks vomited his ideas on paper and decided to attempt putting them together like a jigsaw puzzle, not realizing that the pieces don't go together at all. It actually made the film seem longer than it should have been because story arcs would continuously appear without resolving the others. Instead, he wrote a freakin' psuedo-lesbian dance sequence in between Chun-Li and Cantana that just left me scratching my head. IT WASN'T EVEN SEXY!! How do you fuck up a lesbian dance sequence between two hot chicks? This guy should not write another screenplay again. BANNED, I DECLARE THEE! BEGONE!

Speaking of character development, there's not much here. Sure, we see Chun-Li's evolution from innocent little girl to revenge-filled ninja wannabe. But it doesn't progress as well as it should. We constantly get voice-over narration by Chun-Li about what she's been doing or what she will do. But we never see these things. So it's all telling and not enough showing, which hurts the narrative greatly. Same goes to Bison's backstory, which is given maybe five minutes and it's just him mainly killing his wife to send his conscience into his baby daughter's soul. Why he does this is never even explained. I guess he couldn't just be an evil bastard who wanted to hurt people to display his great power. He had to send his good side to someone else to explain his villainy. Uh huh. And don't get me started on the two cop characters. There was supposed to be sexual tension between them, but we know NOTHING about these two or why they would even want to bang each other to begin with. I guess Marks figured there had to be a love story in the flick and he inserted these two idiot characters to do that. And adding Vega just to have his ass kicked within 2 minutes like some pussy? Like I said...BEGONE!

I won't even mention the dialogue. It makes the original STREET FIGHTER read like Shakespeare. So cliched. So ridiculous. And even the actors seem ashamed to recite them. They sure weren't ashamed of that nice paycheck though. Greed...gotta love it.

The fight choregraphy and the SFX to THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI are pretty lame. The SFX pretty much consists of Gen teaching Chun-Li her fireball move, the Kikouken. And it looks really REALLY bad. The fact that the fireballs in both DRAGONBALL and MORTAL KOMBAT looked better is pretty sad. The fight choregraphy was also pretty bland. Lots of wire work used here, but the fights are very disjointed and too damn short. I think the longest one was probably 8 minutes and that was the final battle between Chun-Li and Bison. EIGHT FUCKIN' MINUTES. This is a movie for a FIGHTING game and we barely get FIGHTING.

FUCK YOU, FOX AND CAPCOM.

Not only that, but no one uses their special moves! Okay, Chun-Li uses that damn fireball and at one point does her Spinning Bird Kick [which knocks everyone down and out even though she makes no contact with them], but where's the Lightning Kick? Where's Bison's Psycho Crusher? Or Vega's Wall Jump moves? Hell, where was Balrog's...um, what does he do again? Yeah, STREET FIGHTER: THE MOVIE did more special moves than this one. Sad, I know.

I don't blame the fighting technicians or stunt actors for the crappy fight scenes. I blame the director of the film, Andrezj Bartkowiak, for that. For a guy who directed CRADLE 2 THE GRAVE, EXIT WOUNDS, and DOOM, I would think he would know how to capture action on film. Nope, he makes it seem fairly dull and an afterthought. The fight scenes are edited poorly, clearly showing the actors not making contact with each other. They're also edited in a way where tension is lost and you're not excited to watch what's going on at all. At least that feeling is consistent with the rest of the film, which just seems to meander as it continues, destroying all signs of good pacing and making the film feel like an eternity to finish. I will say the cinematography is very nice but that's really the only GOOD thing I can say about this film. A director should be able to make multiple sub-plots visually seem as if they all relate to each other. Not this guy. A director should make a fighting movie feel like a fighting movie. Not this guy. A director should make a sexy dance scene between two very attractive women seem titlating. Not this guy. I have one word for this guy:

HACK!!!

The acting was just as abysmal. Kristin Kreuk, best known as Lana Lang on Smallville, does her best with the material as Chun-Li. I'll give her credit for doing her own stunt work and trying to deepen the shallow script and characterization, but it's in vain. She doesn't have the range to really carry a film like this. And her voice-over narrations were really painful to hear. It sounded like she was bored reading her character's thoughts. And I was bored hearing them. Neal McDonough, from a whole bunch of shit typecast as the villain for pretty much all of them, is totally miscast as Bison. He's supposed to be Irish but has an accent that switches between that, British, and American. It's actually pretty funny to hear. And while he does make a cool villain in some other films, he just feels like a joke here. Michael Clarke Duncan does nothing of note as Balrog but laugh, smile, and flex his muscles. Must have been a nice paycheck. Robin Shou will be torched by all MORTAL KOMBAT fans for committing treason by going over to STREET FIGHTER and playing Gen - and playing him horribly as well. Wooden and cold is the best way to describe his performance. Moon Bloodgood, from TERMINATOR: SALVATION and recently Burn Notice, is actually decent but isn't given anything to do but show some cleavage [which was very nice by the way, thanks]. But the worst actor has to be, hands down, Chris Klein as Charlie Nash. I have no idea how this douche is still getting acting jobs. He can't act. He has this smirk on his face that makes me want to knee him in the junk. He's a wannabe playing a wannabe ladies' man, growing a five o'clock shadow to look cool and sporting hair that's about to be sued by Nicholas Cage for copyright infringement. Klein either overacts or underacts throughout the entire film, becoming the stereotype of a badass cop but looking just like an ass instead. And what was up with the voice he used here? He was trying to be Clint Eastwood and shit. Sounded more like David Caruso to me.

THINGS I REFUSED TO LEARN WHILE WONDERING WHERE THE FUCK WERE RYU AND KEN [a.k.a. THE REAL STARS OF THE STREET FIGHTER FRANCHISE]
- Chun-Li had a Caucasian mother. Nice to see some women who don't believe in the "Size Matters" theory. Oooh BURN!!

- Michael Clarke Duncan, an Academy-Award nominated actor, plays the American boxer, Balrog. I guess walking down THE GREEN MILE makes you DAREDEVIL enough to star in really shitty films.

- "Show a prisoner the world and all he sees are the bars on the window." He also sees the soap on the wet shower floor. No one talks about that but it's a pain in the ass to bring up anyway.

- Some scroll reader told Chun-Li to "Go to Bangkok... Find Gen to find out what you are missing." I heard that's how Asia Carrera got into porn.

- Robin Shou, who played Liu Kang in the MORTAL KOMBAT films, plays Gen. Wait a minute...a MORTAL KOMBAT actor in a STREET FIGHTER film!? Not only is that fanboy treason, but I think Shou just performed a Hara-Kiri on his career. FATALITY!

- In order to get closer to the enemy, Chun-Li had to initiate with a lesbian dance with one of Shadaloo's female heads. It was like an episode of The L Word, except the L stood for Lame. How sad...

- Bison beat up Cantana, literally using her as a punching bag, after she got her ass kicked by Chun-Li. If he wanted to torture her this badly, he should have just sent her to Detroit.

- Bison had to transfer the good part of his soul to his unborn child... by ripping the belly of his pregnant wife open in order to do it. He could have just used a Ouija Board or a bouncing bed like everyone else. Sheesh.

- While trying to kill Chun-Li, Balrog got distracted when a watermelon was thrown at his head. Since the stereotype is deliciously obvious, I'll keep my mouth shut on this one.

- Nash wanted everyone to run away from the scene when he noticed a bomb waiting to explode. If that's the case, shouldn't they have refused to sign on for this project?

Oh...wrong bomb. My bad.

THE FINAL HOWL
When will I watch a good film for once? Not that I was expecting STREET FIGHTER: THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI to be any good. I wasn't expecting it to be this horrible either. From a horrible script, lame action and lesbian sequences, and terrible acting led by Chris Klein, THE LEGEND OF CHUN-LI cements that 2009 is one of the worst years in terms of cinematic quality. How this ever get released to theaters is beyond me! Just stop the video game adaptations. It's never gonna work. For the sake of my sanity, just end it. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid. I'm sending this bitch into the WTF? Vault with a big Hadoken!

The WTF? Worst Films Extravaganza Presents: 12 Rounds (2009)

DIRECTED BY
Renny Harlin

STARRING
John Cena - Det. Danny Fisher
Aidan Gillen - Miles Jackson
Ashley Scott - Molly Porter
Steve Harris - Special Agent George Aiken
Brian J. White - Det. Hank Carver
Gonzalo Menendez - Special Agent Ray Santiago

Genre - Action

Running Time - 108 Minutes

Score - 1 Howl Outta 4


Movies like 12 ROUNDS make me glad most of the time that I'm a single guy. I wouldn't want to deal with some person who I made angry in the past, who has kidnapped my girlfriend and is now putting me through twelve trials just to prove my love and get her back alive. Unless he kidnapped my ex-girlfriend. That bitch doesn't deserve my blood, sweat, and tears.

My ex also deserves a film like 12 ROUNDS, which is extremely dumb for even "dumb action movies" standards. While it's an improvement over WWE Films' first John Cena vehicle, the nauseating THE MARINE, 12 ROUNDS is about nine rounds away from being a action film worth watching. Let's see why Vince McMahon should rethink about this whole movie business...

PLOT
Danny Fisher (John Cena) is a New Orleans Police Detective with apparent superabilities and a string of bad luck. During an FBI sting operation the year before, Danny and his partner Hank Carver (Brian J. White) chase down some international arms dealer and terrorist named Miles Jackson (Aidan Gillen) and his accomplice girlfriend, Ericka (Taylor Cole). Hank gets shot, but Danny manages to reach the two criminals. Unfortunately, Ericka is murdered by being hit by a van during her escape, managing to stun Miles long enough to be arrested - and to wish revenge on Danny for "murdering" the love of his life.

Present day, Miles somehow escapes prison and kidnaps Danny's girlfriend, Molly (Ashley Scott), as a way to pay Danny back for Ericka's death. Unlike a real villain, who would have murdered the girlfriend of his enemy right away, Miles decides to be a douche and play a game with Danny. This game involves putting Danny through 12 rounds of dangerous situations. If Danny completes all 12, he gets Molly back. If not, both of them are dead. But as Hank and FBI Agents George Aiken (Steve Harris) and Ray Santiago (Gonzalo Menendez) join the case, Miles true intentions start to reveal themselves. Is it just a case of simple revenge? Or is there something much more in play here?

REVIEW
I have three words for 12 ROUNDS:

WHAT THE FUCK!?

12 ROUNDS is a film with an interesting concept but executed really poorly like most Hollywood film ideas these days. It should be a fun film. It should be an exciting film. But it's boring, more predictable than any action film should be, and not all that memorable once it's over. When I'm wishing the hero to FAIL at his goal in an action movie, we have a major problem.

The story, written by Daniel Kunka [who never wrote a screenplay before this one], was obviously inspired by DIE HARD, SPEED, and probably THE FRENCH CONNECTION. The screenplay is so inspiring that I was wishing that I was watching those films instead of this one. The story is pretty bad for action standards. The 12 rounds gimmick is a pretty cool one - if it was done right. But the way they're used here just drags 12 ROUNDS down. Why 12 rounds? Why not 6 or something? Would it have made a difference? And they were mainly about receiving phone calls and demolishing city property. Ooh, exciting. Most of the rounds require some sort of deadline, I assume, to increase the tension and suspense. What's laughable is that for those that don't have a deadline, the characters just decide to make one on their own just for fuck's sakes. How in the hell does Danny know he has to reach a certain destination in a minute if Miles never told him? I guess that's why he's a fake Police Detective and I'm not. At least the rounds keep the film from going completely stale, even if they are pretty lame rounds.

The character development in the film is pretty non-existent. While I like stereotypes as much as anyone [i.e. the Hero, the token kidnapped girlfriend, the James Bond-ian villain, the best friend who's gonna bite it], it doesn't increase a viewer's interest in the weak narrative. With the main sub-plot being Danny's mission to save Molly from Miles, it would have helped if we knew what kind of relationship Danny and Molly have to make us care. They barely have two minutes on-screen time together before Molly gets kidnapped, to which Danny overreacts about and risks his own life to save her. For me to understand the driving force behind Danny's motive, I need to understand the complexity of his relationship to his girlfriend. Instead, Danny is given a girlfriend because it's an action cliche and it has to be in the script. There's no other reason for it to exist otherwise. The whole thing feels forced and uninteresting. I thought Miles relationship with Ericka was more developed, and Ericka was barely in the film. That's pretty sad. And I gotta say - why is Vince McMahon putting John Cena in movies where he has to save his wife or his girlfriend? What's next? John Cena having to save his fiancee or boyfriend or something? It's getting old and stupid.

And even though this film is supposed to be about Danny chasing after Miles, I found the smaller sub-plot with Steve Harris' character to be more interesting. George Aiken had a grudge with Miles over something from the past, constantly playing with a Hot Wheels car as a reminder. It made me wonder why he had this toy and why he kept opening and closing the hood. Also, what did Miles do to Aiken that turned the guy into such a prick? He was the most interesting character in the film because he actually made me want to know MORE about the guy. Wow, what a novel concept. I wish 12 ROUNDS had more moments that caught my interest. Aiken should have been the main character, not Superman Danny Fisher.

The action sequences, just like in THE MARINE, are pretty implausible and just overall ridiculous. Watching John Cena fly with his limbs extended when he's near an explosion just make me chuckle for all the wrong reasons. We get a bus scene that's a lamer version of SPEED. We get a long sequence with a trolley that can't brake, so Danny and Ray Santiago stop it - by driving their car into the New Orleans power supply in the middle of some street.

Are you fuckin' serious?

We also get Danny sliding down something outside of a tall building because it's QUICKER to kill himself doing that than running down 10 flights of stairs.

Rrrrriiiiiggghhhtttttt...

And let's not forget the helicopter battle at the end. And Danny barely got a bruise or a scratch on him. But he sure was really sore!

Puh-LEEZE!

Renny Harlin [director of DIE HARD 2, A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4: THE DREAM MASTER, the awesome CLIFFHANGER, the not-so-awesome THE COVENANT, and countless others] does a barely mediocre job behind the camera. While the film looks visually more appealing than anything in THE MARINE, there were still problems on the technical front. For a 108 minute film, it felt twice as long. Also, we could have had some cool action sequences in the film. Unfortunately, Harlin decided that using annoying quick cuts and an unnecessary amount of shaky cam would be friggin' cool!

No, it's not!

I also felt that Harlin used too many sequences where cars were exploding and property was getting destroyed. I understand it's an action film, Renny. You don't have to force it! I appreciate that Harlin tried to make 12 ROUNDS feel like an 80s and 90s over-the-top action film. But those films [the good ones anyway] had a heart and soul behind the destruction. 12 ROUNDS is just heartless and soulless, no matter how much Harlin was trying to put life into it.

The acting was a mixed bag here. John Cena actually does a better job acting-wise than he did in THE MARINE. He plays Danny in a simple, determined, and sort of likeable way. He can also handle the action stuff decently - running, jumping, and climbing all over the place. I just wish the role was fleshed out more and it allowed Cena to emote a bit because the man does have charisma and presence. But given the quality of the script, that wasn't gonna happen.

Wait...do you hear that Cena? I think Dwayne Johnson is laughing at you. Hmmm.

Aidan Gillen was probably the best actor as the villainous Miles Jackson. While a complete dumbass story-wise, Gillen makes the character sort of funny in a suave and sophisticated way. I kind of wished he were in a better action film because I could totally buy him in the role if better material was involved. Ashley Scott is just the eye candy as Molly. She looks bored and acts like she's sleepwalking through the role. I don't blame her. What fun is it to just act kidnapped? At least make her show a boob or something! She's hot AND can act!!! Steve Harris was good as George Aiken. He convinced me with his prick attitude. Brian J. White was also decent as the best friend. He definitely was more fun to watch than Cena and Scott. Why were these two the main focus again?

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE GIVING UP AFTER THE FOURTH ROUND

- Danny said that "you get two things when you're a cop: a gun and a badge." Apparently the steroids led to the loss of his nightstick. Ooh...BURN!!

- Molly told Danny that even though he had 10 minutes until he started his shift, it would only take him 2 minutes to finish his romantic "duties". Looks like someone was given an "Attitude Adjustment"!

- Miles shot Hank in the ass. Save that kind of shit for your social life. You're on duty, Officer!

- Miles kidnapped Molly fairly easy. For someone who is the daughter of both Batman and Catwoman, I expected more out of her.

- Danny had to toss an explosive in the river after the round was over. Lucky there were no ducks around because some days you just can't get rid of a bomb.

- Round 6 involved an elevator free falling to the ground that held Danny and the pleasantly plumb, Willy [insert your killer whale jokes here], the hotel manager. Even though Willy didn't live to be on the show, he's obviously The Biggest Loser.

- When FBI agents are put on hold, Barry Manilow plays in the background. I don't see the problem. Music and passion were always in fashion at the Copa...

- Only Danny's thumbprint on some detonator can save Molly's life. I don't know how Miles got Danny's thumbprint, but any thumb is better than a five knuckle shuffle.

- Fellow WWE Wrestler, Mark Henry's, "Sexual Chocolate" theme song played at the end of the film. Unless this is a sign that Mark Henry is in the next WWE film and he's not playing Fat Albert or Predator, then it's time for Vince McMahon to just quit the whole film thing. It's bad enough I'm getting THE MARINE 2. [-shivers-]

THE FINAL HOWL
What could have been a fun film turns out to be a flop called 12 ROUNDS, which happened to be 8 rounds too many for me. It's not the worst WWE Films project but it's far from the best, which still happens to be THE CONDEMNED. If Renny Harlin had played the film as a silly sort of thing like THE TRANSPORTER and CRANK films take pride in, 12 ROUNDS would had worked exceptionally. But since it was taken seriously, it fails. If you're a John Cena or Renny Harlin fan, wait for it on cable or something. Otherwise, don't bother.