The WTF? Worst Films Extravaganza Presents: The Nail Gun Massacre (1985)

DIRECTED BYTerry Lofton

STARRING
Rocky Patterson - Doc
Ron Queen - Sheriff
Beau Leland - Bubba
Michelle Meyer - Linda
Genre - Horror/Slasher

Running Time - 85 Minutes
Score - BOMB


There are a few reasons why I haven't stepped foot into the great state of Texas.

- Armadillos.

- Bad memories of The Alamo.

- The hot temperatures.

- Leatherface and his family.

- George W. Bush.

I can probably go on. But if I had any urge to go to Texas, it was completely destroyed by THE NAIL GUN MASSACRE - a slasher film that deserved to be slashed the moment the thought to produce, distribute, and exhibit this piece of shit appeared in some dumbass' head. It's been a while since I've watched a film with no redeeming quality whatsoever - a film that's disgusted me so much that the thought of bashing the hell out of it and making it my bitch put a smile to my furry face. Yes ladies and gentlemen - the WTF? Vault is back in bizness and he sure is hungry! Yee-haw!

PLOTSome dumb broad named Linda (Michelle Meyer) gets raped by a bunch of fat, disgusting construction workers who were probably too lazy to find a goat or a sibling to fuck. Time passes and these rapists deservingly become the targets of one of the worst horror killers in the history of the genre - a motorcycle helmet wearin', camouflage suited, Darth-Vader-on-crack voiced dude/dudette with a handy nail gun he/she uses to kill people. Not only does this killer realize that nails to ANY part of the body will bring upon death to these idiots, but decides to rub it in with horrible one-liners and jokes that make Dane Cook look and sound like the funniest motherfucker of all time. Riding a banana-colored hearse and using the SAME EXACT LOCATION to murder people, will the imbred sheriff (Ron Queen) and the don't-know-jack doctor (Rocky Patterson) solve the case? Is the killer Linda? Or is it someone avenging her rape? Will someone avenge the suffering I endured after being raped by 85 minutes of this piece of shit??

REVIEWI have three words for THE NAIL GUN MASSACRE:

WHAT THE FUCK!?

Seriously, this film has got to be one of the worst films in the history of all cinema. I heard from several people that this movie was really bad. Being the masochist that I am, I just had to see it for myself. Now after soaking my infected eyes with hydrogen peroxide and finally getting my ears to stop bleeding, I have lived to tell the tale of this miserable piece of work that no one should rush out to see [but I know you will just to see if I'm right, huh?].

The story - what fuckin' story? The film starts out okay - unfortunately with a rape [when that's the high point of your narrative, we have a major problem at our hands], which is a pretty fucked up beginning but at least it gives motive to the killer and sets up the rest of the film. The problem with this whole thing stems from one thing:

The rape happens RIGHT AWAY. There's no build up to it. Rape is horrible any way you put it and it's a disgusting act to even fathom. But when I have no idea who these people are and why they're in this situation, I just don't give a fuck. And the fact that this single act led up to the rest of this turd, it makes me care less. I kept wondering who the real victim of the film was: Linda or me for even watching this?

After this whole rape mess, we see the really lame killer start shooting people with a nail gun. Now while I think a nail gun is one of the stupidest weapons used to murder people, I wouldn't have had much of a problem if the killer just offed those responsible for the rape. But does the killer do that? Of course not because it would make TOO MUCH FUCKIN' SENSE! Nah, this person is an overachiever. The killer murders anyone he/she comes across, even if they had nothing to do with the past. So the revenge part of the deal is totally out of the window because the killer is taking the anger out on people who had no part with the crime right from the start. So what's the point and why should anyone care?

Don't get me started on the characters in this film. They're all annoying. They're all fuckin' stupid. And they have some of the most disturbing sex on film. Also, characters just come and go as they please without giving the viewer any clue of who they are and what the fuck they have to do with this shitty story! Slasher films should have cannon fodder for the killer, but at least make them a stereotype or something as a way to develop character. It's not much but shit...it's something! And I really wanted the Sherriff and the Doctor to die. I have never seen two protagonists as dumb as these two. I'm surprised crime isn't higher in Texas if these are the heroes of the state. And they don't even get killed. Fuck that!

And the killer is something else. Horrible one-liners, a voice that sounds like a porn star who sucked too much dick, has cottonmouth, and dry throat, and who can constantly change shape. At points, it looks like a chick. And then he grows a few inches and becomes manly. Was the killer two people? Or was he or she Chasity Bono? I was really confused.

The rest of the dialogue was just as bad, even though I couldn't help but laugh at some of it for all the wrong reasons. Lines from the killer like "You shouldn't fall to pieces over me" when he cuts someone's arm off and "You just pissed me off!" like when someone pees on him make Freddy Krueger want to stab himself in the eyes with his knived glove. And I just love the old lady from the shop, who's the best actress in the film for a single reason I'll get to shortly, who has fond memories of the times when she "could sit outside on the outporch and not [having] to worry about mosquitoes and the killers." And let's not forget the ending where the doctor stops the murderer's terror, commenting on the killings being over, to which the Sherriff replies - "Are they?"

You're fuckin' kidding me, right?

The music in this film is probably the funniest and worst soundtrack I have EVER heard in my life. Random sounds just pop up during the most inappropriate times. Most of them come from a paino soundtrack that sounds like a cat just pounced on top of the keys and just walked across them. We have chasing music played during two couples driving slowly [???]. And then there's a song about FOOSBALL! And it plays TWICE! I seriously wanted to find the DJ to that radio station and shoot him with a nail gun myself. What the fuck was the point of that song?

The special effects are absolutely terrible. Nails stick out of flesh and just wobble anytime the victim is moved. Especially during shots when the nail supposedly impaled someone's skull. Yeah because metal through a SOLID object would wobble if moved. And how do people die from a nail through the forearm in 30 seconds? Or the leg? Hell, even the breast? God, my head hurts just thinking about it.

The "direction" by Terry Lofton, his first and only try at it THANK GOD, is terrible. The pacing is horrendous. For an 85 minute film, it felt a lot longer and I couldn't wait for it to be over. The editing is choppy. The cinematography is ugly. Nothing about the visuals pop out in any way. No tension. No suspense. No intentional fun. Nothing. Keep serving up those burgers and fries at the Drive-Thru asshole because you have no future in filmmaking!

And I won't even discuss the acting. It's all terrible and exceedingly laughable. Some people recite lines as if they're reading from cue cards and have trouble reading the words. Others overact while others underact. And these people couldn't even die right, especially that stupid bitch who got screwed in the woods and fell on top of her equally dead boyfriend in the most unbelievable way possible. The best actress was the old lady from the shop, who actually had the script RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER in plain view of the shot! And even with that help, she still missed her cues, stumbled over her lines, and even had the nerve to look at the camera at times! Wow, give Grandma an award for outshining the rest of her miserable cast. Betty White better watch her wrinkled Golden Girls ass for this lady!

THINGS I DIDN'T WANT TO LEARN WHILE BEING AS HORNY AS A ROOSTER IN A CHINESE HEN CONTEST

- "The worst headaches are the ones between the eyes." No, the worst ones are from watching a piece of shit like THE NAIL GUN MASSACRE. The pain between the eyes from my pistol is the thing that's gonna ease the pain.

- Some horny broad likes to receive "organ" transplants from her "donor" boyfriend. Paris Hilton holds the World Record for receiving the most "organ" transplants in a single lifetime.

- The dumbass Sheriff called in for a stranded car he claimed has been there for days even though no sense of time has passed. Shit, I wish it was days later. Would have saved me 72 minutes.

- If you hitchhike, beware. You could get killed by a Nail Gun wearing maniac. Or star in THE NAIL GUN MASSACRE. I'll take getting killed by a nail gun, thanks.

- The outdoors turns some slut on. Funny because what will happen "indoors" will get her off.

- A couple having sex in the woods got murdered. Looks like they got nailed in more ways than one.

- The cops refused to locate missing persons at night because it was "too dark to see". Yet they can find any donut shop during any part of the day. That's how to use our tax dollars, police force!

- The killer leaped out of a swimming pool to kill some dude, not knowing how long the killer was submerged in the water to pull that off. I guess we now know what's next for Michael Phelps...

THE FINAL HOWL
The best part of THE NAIL GUN MASSACRE was watching the end credits because this film blows harder than Jenna Jameson back when she was doing porn. Yeah, there are moments that will make you laugh because of how bad this film is, but then the pain settles in and you're just left pissed off yourself for wasting time, money, and energy on such a piece of shit. If you really have the need to watch some really horrible filmmaking both behind and in front of the camera, this film is for you. Otherwise, don't bother with one of the most awful films I had the displeasure to watch and listen to. I'm nailing this bitch shut into the WTF? Vault.