Mega Piranha (2010)

DIRECTED BY
Eric Forsberg

STARRING
Paul Logan - Jason Fitch
Tiffany - Sarah Monroe
Barry Williams - Bob Grady
David Labiosa - Colonel Antonio Diaz
Jesse Daly - Gordon

Genre - Science Fiction/B-Movie

Running Time - 90 Minutes

Score - 3 Howls Outta 4



Last year, The Asylum brought us the cult classic MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS to our attention. Not because it's a great film, mind you, but because it starred a CGI shark fighting a CGI octopus while Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas [the best actors $100 can buy] tried to stop them. Even though the movie failed to live up to its title since the monsters barely battled each other at all, it was a huge success due to its cheese factor.

Now months later, The Asylum decides to celebrate the release of the upcoming remake, PIRANHA 3D, with their own version called [what else?] MEGA PIRANHA. If you thought casting Deborah Gibson and Lorenzo Lamas was a coup, imagine my surprise when I realized the same $100 could also pay for 80s pop star Tiffany and The Brady Bunch's Barry Williams to appear as major players in your B-movie. Add in The Asylum's favorite action hero Paul Logan and a bunch of CGI fish, and we have ourselves a disaster, right? Well, MEGA PIRANHA is a disaster on all accounts. Yet, I couldn't help but to be entertained by this piece of shit. Call me nuts, but I was bitten...I mean, smitten by MEGA PIRANHA.

PLOT
After an American diplomat and Venezuelean ambassador are mysteriously murdered on a South American river, the Secretary of State Bob Grady (Barry Williams) sends a Special Forces soldier named Jason Fitch (Paul Logan and his abs) to investigate. Although the local government is blaming the deaths on terrorism, Fitch figures out that it's really genetically-mutated piranha that has been taking over the river and eating anything in their path. Joined by the scientist who mutated these fish, Sarah Monroe (Tiffany... yes, THAT Tiffany), Fitch fights the local government while attempting to stop the piranha attack in some of the most ridiculous ways possible.

REVIEW
MEGA PIRANHA is the film MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS wanted to be but somehow failed in doing so. The cast is a novelty. The acting and scenerios are cheesy as all hell. And the best part of all - the Mega Piranhas actually do something!! They're not in the film for only 5 minutes, like in MSvGO. They actually are the stars of this film and actually steal the scene each time they appear. With horrible CGI and shitty acting, MEGA PIRANHA is a terrible piece of celluoid. Yet, it's awesome at the same time. When I watch an Asylum film, I'm not looking for Masterpiece Theatre.

The story for MEGA PIRANHA can be read in the plot. It's your generic military personnel must defeat the giant monster(s) in order to save the world and bang the lead chick once it's over. Nothing more, nothing less. The dialogue is absolutely hilarious and terrible, yet wonderful at the same time. I couldn't stop laughing at some of things that were said. This film is all style and no substance, which is a good thing. When I watch a film like MEGA PIRANHA, I don't need a bunch of character development or narrative depth. Fuck the legitimacy of eco-politics and factual scientific research! I just want to see stupid people get chewed up by flying killer fish in the most silliest of ways. And that's what drives MEGA PIRANHA from beginning to end.

The CGI is pretty ugly. The piranha look like Pixar characters that pop up randomly whenever someone needs to die. The last act, in particular, where the piranhas attack the Florida Keys is pretty terrible to watch due to the CGI. But it made me laugh so hard at many points. After all, this was shown on the SyFy Channel, so I'm not expecting grade-A special effects. At least the fish looked like piranhas for the most part and added to the cheesiness. Where can you see piranhas attacking a battleship, biting through the metal, and sinking it? Or watching giant piranhas flying into tall buildings and getting stuck there because they're idiots? And let's not forget the best moment: Paul Logan bicycle kicking random piranhas as they fly and attack him. So ridiculous, yet so entertaining.

The direction isn't all that great in MEGA PIRANHA. It's a point-and-shoot affair. The director's style of filmmaking involves random flashes of images for scene transitions and using green screen for some of the character deaths. It's just mindless filmmaking for a mindless film. Could have used more energy but whatever.

The acting, of course, is atrociously good. Paul Logan has to be one of the stiffest actors ever. He scowls with the best of them, has a great physique, and has the action skills of someone who would work for Acapulco H.E.A.T. or V.I.P. He was so uninteresting, yet very interesting, to watch at the same time. I can't really explain it. Tiffany, on the other hand, needs to get back to singing because her acting wasn't all that great. She performed as incompetently as her "scientist" character. Yet, she tried and her outbursts were hysterical. Plus I have a place in my heart for 80s teen queens, so any Tiffany appearance is good with me. Barry Williams didn't do much as Bob Grady, but was definitely the best actor of the bunch. And David Labiosa as Generial Diaz was the biggest ham I've seen on film in a while. Talk about taking the stereotypical villain role and going overboard with it. All he needed was a cigar and a mustache to twirl between his fingers, and it would have been complete. What a cast. The Asylum sure knows how to catch a guy's attention for 90 minutes.

THINGS I'VE LEARNED WHILE MAKING AS MANY TIFFANY JOKES AS POSSIBLE
- It's never good to be the first characters in a sci-fi/horror film if you're Latino. You'll probably be eaten by killer fish. Unless you're Ricky Martin. Then you wouldn't be interested in fish, or vice-versa.

- Barry Williams is ordering Paul Logan to investigate the murder of diplomats in Venezuela, believing its terrorism instead of a piranha attack. If Williams would just get rid of that damn Tiki Idol, shit like this wouldn't be happening!

- Tiffany plays Sarah Monroe, a Genetics Researcher. If she had skipped the singing career and actually studied to be a real genetics researcher, her life "Could've Been" so beautiful. It "Could've Been" so right...

- Colonel Diaz shot missiles towards the river to kill all the piranhas. I guess some things are like shooting fish in a barrel!

::drum beat::

- Sarah got arrested for her experiments. I don't think she'll be alone now when her butch cellmate wants to "see" her "piranha"...

- Fitch bicycle kicked all the fish as they flew and attacked him. And they said playing Mortal Kombat was going to damage people. Um... it just saved his life!

- Sarah went ballistic when her partner was devoured by piranhas. Unless you calm down, these "Feelings of Forever" will be your downfall, girl.

- The piranhas grow larger in size as the film rolls on. Apparently, the piranha is the Kirstie Alley of the fish world.

- The government wants to stop the piranha from attacking the Florida Keys. No, not because of the damage, but because of the smell. Ew... fish odor.

- Fitch and Sarah kissed at the end of the film. I don't know about you, but this "Radio Romance" is a bit cliche. Oh well.

THE FINAL HOWL
If you're looking for a directorial, acting, or narrative masterpiece, MEGA PIRANHA sure isn't it. But if you're willing to dumb yourself down with this ridiculous sci-fi B-flick, then you're definitely in luck. I look forward to the sequel, MEGA SHARK VERSUS GIANT OCTOPUS VERSUS MEGA PIRANHA, where Deborah Gibson and Tiffany finally come together and stop these sea monsters with their 80s hits. Don't let me down, The Asylum!