Happy Valentine's Day 2014 - The Horror Couples Edition

Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! Yes, it's that time of the year where you show the one you love how you feel about them through boxes of chocolate, cheap flowers, and an endless supply of lube and/or condoms. Yes, I'm sure the smell of tacky sex mixed with candy and booze was exactly what Saint Valentine had in mine for his own commercial holiday.

Originally, this was going to be a post where I would be reviewing all five TWILIGHT films in order. But since I'm not feeling suicidal, I pretty much stopped mid-way through THE TWILIGHT SAGA: NEW MOON [the second film]. I can tolerate the first TWILIGHT, even if it isn't meant for my demographic. But that first sequel was so atrocious, I couldn't torture myself watching more than 45 minutes of it. So for those who are expecting me to ever discuss this series in full, you'll be waiting a really long time.

So instead of talking about TWILIGHT, I want to spotlight certain horror couples that have a "Better Love Story Than TWILIGHT". Where's the love? Right here at Full Moon Reviews.

You're welcome.

ANNIE WILKES and PAUL SHELDON

We all have our celebrity crushes. Pamela Anderson was mine for many years. A lot of women have named their vibrators Clooney or Pitt. And Nurse of the Year, Annie Wilkes, loves horror author Paul Sheldon. And his work too. But mainly just Paul.

What sweet MISERY it is to watch these two wacky lovebirds play the Mating Game. I mean, Guy gets into a car crash. Girl saves him from hypothermia. Guy wants outside help, but Girl refuses so she can keep him all to herself. Guy murders Girl's favorite character, making Girl angry. Girl breaks Guy's ankles. Guy decides to bring Girl's favorite character back. They both lie to each other while killing each other over an unpublished novel. It's true love!

Seriously, I was rooting for these two. Sure, Annie gets a bit carried away with her feelings for Paul. And Paul is a bit stubborn about his appreciation towards Annie. But with a bit of therapy and maybe a warmer climate, I'm sure these two would have made it for the long haul. Just keep that pig home, Annie. Just keep her home.

MEGAN HALSEY and DR. CARL HILL

Science is a funny thing. We can't make love potions, but we can have parts of body remain animated post-mortem. So strange.

Anyway, Megan's and Carl's story is derived by a bit of obsession on Carl's part. Not that I blame the guy. I mean, Megan is a stunning woman and I would go heads over heels if I had to share the same room with her too. Okay, maybe he went a bit overboard by murdering her father and wanting to hurt her fiancee, Dan, so he can get her alone. Some guys grab a girl's attention through poetry. Others do it through homicide. At least that's what I learned from watching the Investigation Discovery network.

And c'mon ladies, any man who is willing to go between the legs of a woman tongue first deserves to remain on any romance list! And he probably didn't even consider it could have been Megan's time of the month. Any man who is brave like that deserves to have a Valentine! The things us men have to do to get ahead in romance...

ARNOLD CUNNINGHAM and CHRISTINE

If there's ever a couple who have displayed such great devotion for the other, it would be Arnie and his 1958 Plymouth Fury, Christine. A man who takes care of his car is a man who will take care of his woman, ladies and gents. Arnie is completely in love with Christine. He restores her appearance. Christine plays him love songs from the 1950s. Christine gives Arnie a boost of confidence that turns him from a nerd to a bad ass. Christine is willing to murder anyone who is a threat to her love for Arnie. Why can't all women be like this damn car???

You see what a good polish does, ladies? Give us a good rub down, and we'll be devoted to you for the foreseeable future! And is Christine willing to take it from behind through her tail pipe? Man Arnie, you were one lucky man.

DAVE and EVELYN, and DAN and ALEX

Sometimes love can start from the wrong place. But it doesn't mean you should give up on it! So who cares if the women from PLAY MISTY FOR ME and FATAL ATTRACTION are a bit loopy and obsessive? Most of us would love at least 1/8 of that attention!

Seriously, how many radio DJs get this much attention from sexy women? If a woman wants you that bad, even knowing you have a face for radio, just let it happen! Dave, it's not Evelyn's fault that she fell for your smooth voice and rad tunes. Maybe you shouldn't have played Captain and Tennille's "Do That To Me One More Time" during the Midnight Hour each night while she masturbated to your voice! Once is never enough for a woman like Evelyn.

As for Dan, maybe he shouldn't have given Alex a penal offense every chance he had. And just because he withdrew his case at the last minute doesn't mean Alex wasn't madly in love with him. And Dan should have known better. He had a wife, a kid, a delicious looking bunny, and a mistress on the side - even though he played Liberace in a really successful HBO movie! AND HE STILL GOT LAID!! Dude, stop ignoring the broad and appreciate what you have!

Women just have a different way with showing their feelings, guys. Even if they are batshit crazy, the sex is gonna be hella good. We all want to die happy, right?

DAN CHALLIS and ELLIE GRIMBRIDGE

This love story has a special place in my heart. A man, who happens to be a terrible husband and father, gets it on with a girl probably half his age. No, it's not the Woody Allen biopic. It's HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH!

Yes, even with that annoying "Silver Shamrock" song, unlikeable characters, and Stonehenge, these two found each other - displayed by their quickies in their hotel room just hours after meeting each other. Dan doesn't need Craigslist to hook up, so why should you? And Ellie...well she needed sex to help her mourn over her father's passing. You have to fill that void in your heart somehow!

What makes this couple special is that Ellie may have not been human all along. Maybe she was an android who had specific orders to bang Dan any chance she got. If that's the case, where can I find one of these androids? Does Radio Shack sell these? Do I need snakes and bugs to come out of my head to have my wish granted? Someone annoy me with a jingle and let me know!

THE BEAR SUIT and GENTLEMAN at the Outlook Hotel

Um... moving on.

CHARLES and MARY BRADY

While all's fair in love and war, incest is a game the whole family can play. Hey, don't judge! If supermodel Stephanie Seymour can pose seductively next to her two sons, then Mary can bang her own child as well! Okay, maybe that wasn't the best example...

Seriously though, these shape-shifting SLEEPWALKERS are a strange duo. They need to feed off people to remain young. They can turn into cats - insert perverted joke here. And they enjoy pleasing each other sexually, to the point that Mary is jealous whenever Charles finds interest in another woman. Either she wants to keep it in the family, or Charles is an expert in licking her "stamp collection". I'm sending them a copy of Oedipus Rex, hoping it'll salvage their relationship.

STIRBA and her TWO FRIENDS

Werewolves are a funny bunch. They can only transform under a full moon each month. They can get killed by silver. They hate vampires. And they sure love furry threesomes where they slobber and growl at each other. In other words, werewolves have a HOWLING good time in life.

Stirba, who enjoys flashing her beautiful breasts like 20 times in this sequel, also doesn't mind getting a furball during sexual intercourse. I respect and admire this woman. Then again, I'm blinded about her banging her whether she's a werewolf or not. What does that say about me?

I'm a freak? No, that's HOWLING VI. I'm discussing HOWLING II. Pay attention.

Seriously, it's good to be a werewolf every once in a while.

STU and BILLY

These two guys sure get off on penetrating each other. Sure, they use knives, but c'mon! We all know what this stuff is really telling us...

Although they get off on torturing their friends to show their love for horror films they grew up with, they seem more into stabbing each other and causing each other pain. And as they say, love and pain go hand and hand. It's just too bad Sydney and Gail Weathers had to play all Michelle Bachmann on these two and destroy their love forever.

I'm still hoping these two made it to a pro-gay-marriage state and ended up happily after ever. Just cool it with the knives, guys...


Happy Valentine's Day, guys! Here's a heart from me to you...